I did, of course—I made the rounds anyway, grabbing a drink and going through the space chatting to people I hadn’t gotten a lot of opportunities to talk to properly over the pastmonth, and I made promises to catch up and hang out with people another time soon here and there and everywhere, and one of them of course was Abby, who I still felt awkward and embarrassed around but who acted as carefree as if nothing ever happened. She was unsurprised to learn I was also waiting for Cat and Daniela to happen, offered to add me to the group chat, which was how I learned there was a group chat and that yes,everybodyknew about Cat and Daniela except for Cat and Daniela.
I was already tired by the time I got out to the back terrace, where we had slices of narrow views through the trees out to the valley below, and I leaned against the railing with my barely-touched drink in hand just trying to get a second with it before Charlie joined me, sliding the door shut as she stepped out with me.
“I hope you don’t mind if I crowd your space for a minute, dear,” she said, and I smiled exhaustedly at her.
“You’re welcome to, just don’t expect the most intelligent conversation from me. My brain is fried. I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep together with the event preparations while working as much as you do too.”
“Simple, I have control issues, and if I’m not doing that, then I go mad. Micromanaging people is my therapy.” She leaned against the railing, fingers curling over the coarse wood as she looked out over the view behind the place. “I haven’t smoked in almost ten years, but it’s times like this I really miss having a cigarette in my lips. Not even the act of smoking, just having it there, like I’m missing something without it.”
“I didn’t know you ever did smoke.”
“Kicked the habit when I moved to Vermont.” She shook her head, laughing dryly. “I lived in New York before that. Worked in Manhattan, representing billion-dollar real estate conglomerates. Very high-powered job. Very bad for my health.I had a breakdown and left… classic midlife crisis, I suppose. I don’t talk about it much. I’m not fond of the life I had before then. Drinking, smoking, drugs and long nights at the office, being vaguely aware my wife was having an affair and choosing not to notice. Life sneaks up on you. Before you know it, you’ve wandered so far off the path you want to be on. Quitting smoking is hard, you know?”
“I mean, I’ve heard, yeah. Pretty famously.”
“People talk about how you’ve got to have your reason. Your why. Something to focus on in dark days. Lots of people in these quitting-smoking groups have just had kids and want to live healthier for them, or their partners have given them an ultimatum, or they just lost a parent and it gave them a wakeup call to not go the same path. Noble reasons. Mine was anger.”
“Anger?”
“Every time I picked up a cigarette, I thought about how stupid I looked, and it pissed me off. I got so angry at myself every time, and I can’t recommend it as an approach, but I guess it worked.” She shook her head. “Didn’t realize I was doing that thing where you replace one addiction with another. Lots of people do it with alcohol—they quit smoking and turn into alcoholics instead. Some with sex. The worst is when people replace it with gambling. But I replaced it with getting righteously indignant. Forcing people to go along with my will.”
I couldn’t find anything to say, really, but luckily she wasn’t waiting for it. A smile ghosted over her features, and she looked up at the starry night sky.
“And now I’m trying to kick that habit, and what do you know? I get the urge to smoke. I need to find a less annoying bad habit to pick up instead, because clearlysomethingis going to fill the void. Candy Crush, maybe.”
“I… heard you and Linda have been having some heavy conversations lately.”
She closed her eyes. “We had a bit of a fight a week ago. Kept escalating until she yelled that I was treating her like a dress-up doll. I yelled back, we slept in different rooms, and I woke up the next day knowing she was right. Still spent most of the next day hiding from it, though. But I eventually put on my big girl panties, apologized to her, and we’ve been… figuring things out. I don’t think we’re going to be seeing each other anymore. Apparently I treat people like dress-up dolls.”
“I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong,” I said softly. “You just want different things. There are plenty of people who want what you want. I mean, what are the odds you’d be the only one?”
She laughed lightly, looking up again. “I suppose they’re slim.”
“Someone out there is waiting for her lawyer in a power suit to come along and whisk her off to balls in fancy dresses, spoil her and make her feel like a princess.”
She was quiet for a long time before she pushed off from the railing. “Part of me wants to say that’s silly,” she said. “But even if it were, what’s the harm in believing? You know… I’m glad you came here, Alyssa. And that you stayed. You and Jade are good for each other.”
“Ah.” I ducked my head, blushing a little. “She’s really wonderful… every day I’m still amazed this is happening.”
“She feels the exact same way about you, dear. Don’t ever question that.” She smiled warmly at me. “Or else we’ll all have to track you down and kidnap you back to Paxton Ridge again. And we can’t have that. Have you seen how expensive gas is these days?”
“Oh, tell me about it. Fair point. Can’t be putting that on all of us.”
She laughed. “Enjoy your break, Alyssa. I’ll see you at the market on Sunday?”
“Absolutely! I’ll be there as Jade’s little helper, obviously.” I beamed at her. “See you then.”
I let myself let go for the rest of the party, relaxing and having a good time, together with my friends, my people. Sat next to Jade in the gatherings, my head on her shoulder, and everyone addressed everything to the two of us, a little unit squished up together in the corner of the big blue couch at the back of the room. And Cat—who sobered back up and returned to her normal levels of weirdness instead—fit in like she’d never left the place, laughing along with everybody, leaning and craning her neck to catch people’s lips or their signs.
She also spent the whole evening about six inches at most from Daniela. They made snarky comments at one another and playful pushes, and I kept my mouth shut along with everyone else there.
It was while I was closing out my tab at the end of the night that I got to bring it up, because Daniela sidled up next to me while Cat and Jade were finishing up the game they were playing—Jade always put up such a valiant effort even though Cat always won in the end, and Daniela and I had been wiped out long ago now. She gave me a playful push on the shoulder, her eyes sparkling.
“Told you Pride was unmissable here.”
“You did! And I almost missed it by running away.”
She laughed, shaking her head as she held up her card for Kevin, signaling to close her tab too once he was done with mine. “You ever hear back from her again? Your mom, I mean.”
