‘I’ll be back in a moment,’ Patrick tells me, as he leaves.
I dig my fingernails into the creases on the inside of my fingers, where the skin is thin. It hurts but helps, like the cold water in the shower that morning. Pain is clarity. If I can focus on that feeling, it dulls all the rest – the hurry and panic. I close my eyes and succumb to it.
Time warps and slows, but I hear heels clop over the pathway towards me. When I open my eyes slowly, I see Karina crouched down by the table next to me. ‘Hey,’ she whispers. ‘You doing alright?’
I swallow, because no, but I’m not ready to sayKarina Nguyen, I think I’m on the edge of having some kind of menty b.
‘Don’t worry about it. It’s just a couple of drinks. You should see how many things I’ve broken on sets over the years. This is my second pair of heels today.’ She makes a big oopsie face and I can’t help but giggle.
She has something hidden under her shirt, and when she pulls it out, I see David. Karina squeezes him onto my lap, under the table, and covers him with a napkin. ‘There, now the cameras won’t see him either.’
‘How—’ I begin, my words slack with confusion. My heart fills because, wow, Patrick must have got him for me. He’s so kind, so thoughtful.
Lovely Karina gives me the sweetest smile. ‘I hope you don’t mind but when Dolly told me how helpful he is to you, I sent her to get him out of your case.’
Oh.
When I look up, I see Dolly watching me from across the restaurant garden.
I deflate. I’m sour. I’mangry. I’m… grateful, even if I don’t want to admit it. I hate how Dolly can pull so many feelings out of me at once.
Was she just doing this to show she’s better than me? Or to get a rise out of me? This is a perfect way to get herself in good standing with Karina too. God, she’ssucha pretender.
I bet Dolly Doherty has never cared about anyone in her life.
But then, is that true? She is always there when chaos tries to swallow me. And she talked about her responsibilities, whatever the hell those are.
Dolly gives me a small smile and turns away, and I suddenly feel cold.
She didn’t have to go in my suitcase without asking, even if it was for a good reason. I mean, I would have been fine without David. Probably.
I’m glad he’s here – rubbing his ears always makes me feel so much calmer. But now I’ve got a giant capybara toy hidden in my lap, and I hope to God that the producers don’t notice and film him. The general public aren’t kind about adults carrying soft toys.
I feel the mask clamp down over my face as I smile demurely, straighten my posture, and forget the fact I was almost about to scream-cry in the middle of this restaurant.
It’s under control. I’m in control.
‘Thank you, Karina,’ I croak out.
She blows me a kiss and totters away on her gigantic heels.
Patrick returns, freshly dressed in another white linen shirt – perhaps he has a cartoon character-style wardrobe built of the same few pieces in multiple colours.
‘I hope I didn’t ruin your shirt,’ I say.
‘Don’t worry, pet,’ he says, his eyes crinkling as he smiles. ‘It’ll all come out in the wash, won’t it?’
Well. No, not necessarily. If that cola stain settles in, it’ll be a pig to get out. Some things have a habit of getting their claws into you.
I know what he means, though. Even if his phrasing was a little off, I hope that Patrick’s easy-going nature will rub off on me. He was so calm even though I fucked up.
‘Are we ready to go?’ calls Lucas across the garden.
They count down for the cameras to come back on.
‘So, you were telling us we can’t sleep together?’ Bridget gasps. ‘What about kissing? You’ve got to let us kiss.’
‘Like I said, keep it PG. Kissing is fine, but any and all sexual acts will be considered fineable,’ Lucas explains.
