Oh no, Patrick.
A pit opens in my stomach as I realise I’ve basically cheated on him. I mean, we’re not official yet, but I’m pretty sure the social contract of dating multiple people inWedded Blissdoesn’t extend to sleeping with your roommate.
I feel so embarrassed; I’ve never cheated on anyone before and, if I’m honest, I’d held that as a badge of honour. Proof that I was potentially a good partner for someone, despite everything else.
Not that I’ve told Patrick that I’m autistic yet. No wonder I glommed onto Dolly for getting it without being told whatitwas. I haven’t given Patrick that same chance yet, to be kind and understanding. To listen to me, and to not be afraid if I’m a little strange.
If I do, will I fall even deeper for him? I feel like yes, I could. I will.
I will definitely tell him I’m autistic before we’re married. Probably.
Should I tell him about last night? I’m not sure I can. I don’t want to start off a relationship on a lie, but maybe this is one of those occasions where it’s okay to omit the truth to save everyone’s feelings. If I tell Patrick, he’ll be upset and confused. And today is supposed to be our date where we get to touch, even kiss, if we want to. I want us to focus on building the foundation to our marriage, not destroy it.
No, I can’t tell him. If I can chalk this up to some kind of madness, maybe it’s okay not to tell him.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been in here but it hurts that Dolly doesn’t knock or try to speak to me. I know she’s still in the bedroom, so I’m going to have to face her.
So, what am I going to do?
I replay our conversation over and over, and I keep snagging on something. The mysterious responsibilities she’s never mentioned. I mean, no, I didn’t tell her I was autistic but that’s my business.
I mean, she’s an influencer. Isn’t that a job with money? Brand deals, isn’t that something? Surely more money than my hand-to-mouth salary combined with living in London in a house with three to four other strangers. I’m pretty sure she still lives at home too, so that’s rent free. Meanwhile, I regularly see the bottom of my overdraft. But I’ve seen some of the labels in her clothes. I know they’re expensive. And that accent – I don’t think she could bethatdesperate for money.
If she’s a lesbian and came on the show to find a husband, there can’t be pure reasons for that. Does ‘responsibilities’ just mean she’s after money? For what? She must already have money.
I don’t think anyone owes anyone else the inner workings of their sexuality, but also, this is a heterosexual dating show. Not only is Dolly denying someone their fair chance at finding love, but she’s lying to herself and the world too.
What if Warren could have found someone to fall in love with, but instead he’s with Dolly? There’s no way he knows for sure. That’s not the sort of arrangement you can agree on camera, surely? The show is about love! She can’t be sure of his feelings.
I don’t understand it. I don’t understandher.
If she came on this show for money and fame or whatever but has been telling me and all the others she’s here for love, then she’s been lying the whole time.
No wonder I would foolishly leap to the idea of us leaving together or recoupling if I thought she was here for honest reasons. Would I have even kissed her if I’d known?
In fact, has she said anything truthful this whole time?
It’s pretty rich for her to get angry with me this morning when I was just upset and confused, especially if all that is because she’s been talking a big game about her priorities and Warren and love. She didn’t have to be so fuckingmeanto me.
That’s when I realise: it’s all her fault.
Yes. That’s it. It’s Dolly’s fault I’m in this mess, crying in the bathroom, feeling guilty about cheating on Patrick.
Sure, I can take responsibility for getting confused and carried away, but I was working off faulty evidence, wasn’t I?
None of this would have happened, none of it, if Dolly had been honest with me.
And now, what? She wants to win the show. I guess that stability she is after is taking home the nest egg grand prize money.
There are real couples in here, falling in love and wanting to start a life together. Bridget and Whit and Lina are all here for love; don’t they deserve a true shot at happiness and the money too?
I’m sure they deserve the hundred thousand pounds more than Dolly and Warren do. Patrick and I certainly do.
Does she even believe in love?
She’s making a mockery of it all. Of all of us.
The sanctity of this experiment matters to me. I came here to find love, and I think I’m going to find it with Patrick.
