Dolly closes her eyes for just a second, and I watch in slow motion as she kneels on the floor next to the bed to take my hand.
I wish I had put my clothes on too. With my free hand, I clutch the sheets up against me, as though they might protect me from the emotional barrage that is coming for me.
‘Carys,’ she says, very slowly like she’s talking to a frightened animal. ‘I really enjoyed what we had together last night, and I’m really glad that you seem to have got some clarity on some things. I am so happy we had that moment last night, and I’m sorry if there’s been some confusion about the boundaries going forward.’
It feels stupid to hope that she’s going to say she wants to be with me.
And yet I do.
Right up until she says, ‘But Carys, I’m not leaving the experiment. I’m staying, and I’m going to marry Warren.’
I didn’t realise you could feel your heart break in two.
‘Why?’ The words are barely more than a whisper.
‘My reasons haven’t changed.’
‘And they are?’
I feel the frustration radiating off her. ‘I have responsibilities, Carys.’
Responsibilities? What is she even talking about? She’s never mentioned having responsibilities. Does this just mean she doesn’t want me?
I can’t do this naked, so I pull on my pyjamas as she stands up and moves away from me. The distance feels like a wound.
‘So you’re going to marry a man you don’t love,’ I say, and I hate that I can hear the desperation in my voice.
‘Yes.’ She says it so flatly, like this is a totally normal thing to say. Wait? She doesn’t love him?
‘A man youcan’tlove,’ I murmur as I realise what’s going on.
Now she looks pissed off. ‘That’s right. I’m a lesbian.’ She slow claps. ‘You worked it out.’
‘And last night didn’t changeanything?’ I’m hot and angry and I know I should be pleading or supplicant, but I am just so fucking furious. ‘You’re alesbian, Dolly.’
‘Keep your voice down,’ she growls, her eyes dancing to the door. ‘A little note from me to you: I’m almost certain that we’ve both had plenty of people throwing that word at us pejoratively, but I’ve reclaimed it for myself and I’d rather you didn’t weaponise it either.’
I feel scolded.
‘Fine.’ That stings and I feel dizzy, because she is right. But that doesn’t override the shaking, horrible bad feeling coursing through my body.
I swing back to desperation as the spinning, spirally feeling of rejection claws at me. There must be some way we can salvage this.
‘What if we recouple? Together?’ I suggest hurriedly. ‘That way you don’t have to leave the show, if that’s important to you? Would we be their first same-gender couple? That must be a big deal.’
The look she gives me now is harder to read, sadder. ‘You know that’s not what this show is, Carys.’
I don’t really, because I barely watched it beforehand, which continues to be one of my most pointlessly self-sabotaging decisions. Apparently it was a lucky guess that there’s not been an LGBTQ+ couple yet.
‘Do you know how little airtime queerness gets on reality TV?’ Dolly continues. ‘That’s why we’re always relegated to our own spinoffs –The Queer UltimatumnotThe Ultimatum. That one season ofAre You the One?where everyone was bisexual for a gimmick. TheI Kissed Afranchise that has only queer people dating the same gender. Perhaps, if we’re lucky, one couple a season onMarried at First Sight.’
Obviously I have no idea what any of these shows are, which means I can’t argue back. I can feel the tears welling up because everything she’s saying is so fucking sensible and all I want is to hear her tell me that she wants to be with me. Is that stupid? I feel stupid.
She looks quite sad when she says, ‘Wedded Blissis not ready for lesbians. Nor are, in my opinion, half the brands out there waiting to work with a nice heterosexual couple from the show. The exact brands I’m banking on giving Warren and me some financial stability.’
This makes me angrier, this time on Warren’s behalf. ‘So you’re just going to lie to him?’
Dolly’s hand goes to her forehead like I’m giving her a headache. ‘He and I have an understanding.’
