But last night, despite the speed of it all, everything just felt right. I wanted her, and she wanted me right back. It was complicated and yet, that part, that wanting, was totally uncomplicated.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been wanted like that.
And I’ve obviously never been with a woman that way before, and it was just… incredible. I’ve enjoyed sex with men, but with Dolly, I experienced something so astronomically different from before.
Even though no one is listening in, I’m finding it hard even to bring the thoughts forward, like I’m still wrapped up in how I’msupposedto speak about being attracted to her, never mind think about her. Compulsory heterosexuality apparently has a lot to answer for.
It’s still such a tangle.
I think she’s worth untangling that for.
I wriggle round in her arms, ever so slowly, so that I can look at her. Luckily, she doesn’t stir, so I can look all I want. Not in a creepy way – I’m not a teen vampire in the corner of her bedroom, I’m fairly sure this is allowed.
I decide to practise that untangling, so that when she does wake, I can tell her exactly what it all means to me. What she means.
Even deep asleep, Dolly takes my breath away. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I thought that the day I saw her step out into traffic, but it’s different now. I’ve seen her beauty in ways I couldn’t imagine appreciating before – how she looks naked, how she looks when she orgasms, and the way her eyes soften when she tells me I’m beautiful.
Tangled up in the sheets, she’s a model in a Renaissance painting. All curves and dips and softness. She’s so deliciously soft. The dimples on her arms. The flowing wave of herthighs – the same ones that gripped around my hips and waist last night as she cried out in pleasure.
It’s all of her. The long dark eyelashes flutter in her sleep. Dolly’s plump lips still bear the ghostly stain of her red lipstick; how many more kisses will it withstand? Her hair is all mussed, and fuzzed with old hair product. I must admit, I feel a little proud that that’s partly my doing.
I have to resist the temptation to stroke back her hair or kiss her, because I don’t want this quiet moment to end. Plus, it’s more nerve-wracking staring at someone when they’re wide awake. I’m not done drinking her in.
Still, I’m giddy on it all. Not just last night, but my feelings for her. The certainty of working out what was going on, the relief, the joy of it all.
I don’t know what this means in terms of a wider identity for me. I know some people like labels, but am I allowed to take my time? I’ll have to ask her that when she wakes up. There must be rules about it. I just don’t want to take up any space that isn’t mine.
At least, maybe I don’t need to carry the shame around it all any longer. That will take some time too.
I guess I can leave heterosexuality behind.
‘You’re watching me.’ Her voice is low and croaky, and it takes everything in me not to kiss her straight away.
I feel heat rush to my cheeks. ‘Only a little.’
She opens one eye. ‘Morning?’
‘It might be. I woke up a little while ago, and I can’t hear anyone else up yet. Did you sleep okay?’
‘Evidently.’ She turns her head and squints, not fully committing to the movement yet. ‘I think my bare ass might be hanging out the bed.’
We wriggle closer together, and I pull the blankets around us, distributing them more equally.
‘How are you feeling?’ I venture, a little nervously.
‘Sleepy.’ Dolly is not a morning person, even after sex it turns out.
‘Come on, give me a proper answer,’ I whisper, trying not to feel bruised by her diminished enthusiasm.
She looks at me under heavy lids. ‘Sore.’
For another monosyllabic answer, it really jolts my nervous system awake. I did that. Me.
‘Sorry,’ I say, not sorry at all.
‘Don’t be. It was incredibly fun and absolutely worth it.’
Fun. Well, yes, it was fun, but it was more than that for me. It’s not a bad word by any stretch of the imagination, so why does my heart ache a little?
