‘Good, good. Don’t let me bother you now.’ I take my pyjamas and go to the bathroom for my wind down in the hot shower. I try not to stay in there too long, just in case Carys needs to call someone on the porcelain phone again.
I wish I could say that there’s nothing like seeing your crush post-vom to dispel the feelings. I feel the urge to fuss over her, but I remind myself I don’t know her that well, and she hasn’t asked for it. Just because I’m a carer for Mum and used to doing everything for her doesn’t mean I can just slide into that role for Carys. That feels like overstepping a boundary I’ve laid down for myself too, if I’m honest.
When I go back into the bedroom, the light is off and Carys is breathing softly, so I slip into my bed ready for my scheduled twenty minutes of wishing I could use my phone.
Her calm doesn’t last very long, and soon she’s tossing and turning. ‘Dolly?’ Carys’s voice sounds in the dark.
‘Yeah, Carys?’
‘Oh God, sorry. I’m disturbing you, aren’t I?’ she splutters, and I’m suddenly confused as to why she even spoke my name. There’s a rustle that must be her blankets being thrown back. ‘I’ll go lie on the couch instead. Sorry!’
She starts to get up, and I’m so confused about what’sgoing on, that I say quickly, ‘I was already awake. It’s fine. Are you okay?’
Carys stills, possibly lying back down. There’s a long beat that makes me worry she’s about to say no. ‘Just worried about tomorrow.’
‘About seeing him in person?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What’s worrying you?’ I regret giving in to my own curiosity when I add, ‘Worried you won’t fancy him?’
I can hear the blankets rustle again as she fidgets. ‘No, it’s more like…’ She sighs deeply. ‘I… I’m not sure I want to talk about it. But my mind is whirring. I can’t shut it off even though I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘We can talk about something else if it would help distract you?’ I offer.
Another long beat of silence, followed by a low whisper. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Of course.’
‘I know we said we wouldn’t, but I want to ask you about… the day we met.’
Well. That wasn’t what I was expecting.
Even though the room is pitch black, I instinctively glance round for cameras. I’ve not found any in here, and trust me, I’ve looked hard. There still could be microphones. Just because I’ve not seen them use security footage from the contestants’ bedrooms in the US series, doesn’t mean the UK series won’t.
‘I… I’m not sure that’s a good idea,’ I say firmly. ‘Not when you’re feeling so ill,’ I add, just in case we are being watched.
I half want to climb onto her bed so we can talk, but that’s the kind of thing an incognito lesbian on a dating show absolutely should not do if she wants toremainincognito.
‘Well,’ she begins, ‘I was just wondering what your experience is with conflict, between two parties such as those that you were novel to.’
It’s so formal, like she’s on a legal drama, that I have to stifle a laugh.
It’s true I didn’t know them, but I swear I have seen Sara somewhere before. There must be some kind of old saying about the queer community being all your exes and their exes because sometimes it really does feel that way. A geography-less village within a country.
‘Well, it’s quite easy to resolve conflict when both parties are clear about what… said conflict is,’ I say, trying to adopt her strange legal tone. ‘I recall an instance of conflict between two people in particular that was resolved.’
God, I’m not smart enough to fake legal jargon. I’m not even positive what I’ve said makes any fucking sense.
‘Are you familiar with parties such as theirs?’ I can feel Carys’s eyes on me through the darkness.
‘You’re losing me,’ I lie.
‘You know.’
‘I’m not sure I do.’
She’s suddenly hovering over my bed.
