I’m not quite sure why I’m now picturing animals performing surgery, but I think it’s the tension making my head spin.
‘I agree. He’s a good ’un,’ whispers Dolly, and this gives me a different kind of spinny feeling. I guess I’m just glad she sees what I do.
‘And Warren is lovely too,’ I whisper back.
‘Much nicer than the alpha male creep I dated yesterday,’ she mutters under her breath.
I know who she means. He was my ninth date today, and immediately gave me odd vibes. I feel awful saying that, because I’m sure I don’t make the best first impression, but he kept talking about traditional gender roles. I was so tired by that point that I just let him talk on and on, and he barely noticed I hadn’t said anything.
Maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s what he wants.
Luckily, the others seem not to have heard our back and forth, because Bridget is needling Lina about her dates.
‘I have no idea who I like or don’t like, if I’m honest with you. I think I need to give them a few more dates.’ Lina throwsher hands up in the air, slopping a little of her drink. ‘It’s just so hard! And weird!’
‘Thatisthe show, Lina,’ says Bridget rather sharply.
This seems to land badly for Niamh. ‘Come on now, being here is different. It’s intense. That’s what Lina means, yeah?’
‘I just don’t have a sense of their heart,’ Lina says. ‘It’s not like you can see an aura through a screen.’
There’s an awkward quiet that I feel the urge to fill with enthusiastic support.
‘That’s very true. Hopefully, spending more time with them will help us all.’ It makes Lina smile, at least.
‘God, don’t you think it would just be easier to date a girl?’ groans Hannah C., flopping back on the couch.
That doesn’t seem right. Why would it beeasierjust because we’re the same gender? I think of Miri and Sara in the street on the way here. That didn’t seemeasy. I can’t work out how to say this out loud without citing them as an example, but I can’t do that without giving away that Dolly and I met already, which is a strict no-no.
Dolly, however, snorts so loudly that she startles half the group.
‘What’s so funny?’ Hannah C. has what Ang would describe as astink face.
‘It’s the line my lesbian friends hear all the time from straight girls,’ Dolly says casually, but I can feel the warning underneath it. Protective. Maybe she’s like that with all her friends. ‘People are people, no gender is easier than another.’
I wonder… I wonder if having lesbian friends and being part of the LGBTQ+ culture means Dolly has, I don’t know, kissed a girl, like the Katy Perry song. I don’t know why I’m thinking of that.
‘Hannah C., that’s kind of homophobic,’ Bridget says in a serious tone. Beside her, the other two Hannahs nod.
‘Well, I’m sorry,’ Hannah C. says, sounding not remotely sorry. ‘I just thought it would be nice.’
Hannah S. starts talking about her experience as a wrestler and everyone mistaking her for being into women because of her job, and I wish I could listen but I’m having a small crisis because oh God, amIbeing homophobic by assuming that Dolly might be into women just because of who her friends are?
Crap, am I just thinking about this because we’re sharing a room? Is this the school changing room all over again, where anyone caught looking at each other too long was called ‘a gay’? That happened to me a few times, and I don’t think I was even looking, but so much of my own behaviour reported back is baffling to me, like another person did it.
It’s just a thought. Thoughts are neutral, right? It’s the act that’s bad. God, I don’t even know.
I have to close the door firmly on those thoughts to pay attention, while studiously not looking in Dolly’s direction, which is quite hard because she’s sitting next to me.
‘Have you ever gone girl?’ asks Bridget like it’s something scandalous. Maybe it is when we’re on a dating show about men. The way she said it makes me feel a bit strange either way, especially after she told Hannah C. off.
Hannah S. frowns. ‘What, like the movie? What’s that got to do with lesbians? I haven’t faked my own death if that’s what you mean?’
‘Urgh, spoilers!’ groans Whit. ‘I never get time to watch films.’
Priya taps her fingernails against the bronze cup. ‘It was a book first.’
‘Orread. Though maybe I should put audiobooks on when I’m cutting. Might be better for me than listening to Taylor Swift all day long.’ She spots me perking up. ‘Bit weird to say,but there’s nothing like slicing someone open to “Look What You Made Me Do”.’
