‘As we’re stuck here, why don’t you tell me about this show you’re going on?’ Victor’s voice is a beacon, calling me back to safety.
I’m so grateful for the distraction. I know most people think autistic people hate small talk, but I live for it. I think that’s why I’ve done so well on the farm, where I’m constantly meeting new people, reeling out animal facts and pleasantries so we share a tiny moment of joy before they go back to their lives. Those kinds of fleeting moments are much easier than building something bigger. There’s no pressure.
‘It’s a dating show.Wedded Bliss, have you heard of it?’ I say, hearing the rasp in my throat.
He shakes his head. ‘No, I haven’t. Is it likeLove Island? Are they going to jet you off to a nice hotel?’ Victor glances again at the SatNav. ‘Poplar isn’t their usual sunny destination.’
I can’t help but laugh at that. ‘Basically, I’m going to find my husband.’
I’ve practised this conversation plenty of times, long before I told my family or my colleagues, who up until my last day at work thought I was off backpacking and had gifted me more DEET and factor 50 than I might ever need. Luckily, the global success of the US seasons meant that most of them knew where I was going.
Turns out my sisters, Del and Ang, are big fans, deep in the gossip. I told them I didn’t want to know much; I want to go in without any preconceptions. The only thing theytold me is that before the UK, Sunset Motions did a season in Australia that was a total disaster with only one wedding, and that couple broke up at the altar. Awful.
Despite their requests, obviously I didn’t ask any of the production team interviewing me for behind-the-scenes info. I don’t want to be a bother.
Anyway, I must say enough that something clicks for Victor. ‘Oh! Is that the one with the screens that go down every few dates so you end up seeing them and kissing before you get engaged? I think my Shreya watches that.’
‘That’s the one,’ I say, my knee bouncing with nerves. At first, I’d thought falling in love through voice alone was romantic, and now I’m just worried about everything hinging on me not saying the wrong thing.
‘Best thing I ever did was get married.’ He raises his hand from the steering wheel to show off a burnished gold band on his ring finger. ‘Forty years, four kids, a few grandkids on the way. Luckiest man alive, I am.’
Wow. That’s the kind of life I dream of. A family of your own built together. A whole life oflives.
‘Any advice for me?’
‘On life in general or marriage in particular?’
‘I don’t think we have enough time for you to fix my life,’ I laugh.
What do I want to know? You’d think I’d have talked to my parents about this. They met as teenagers and are about to hit their fortieth wedding anniversary, but when I told them I was going on the show, we got distracted with Del and Ang explaining what it was. Plus, the extent of their interest in my dating life is asking how the revolving door of men I see once is going.
‘What should I be looking for in someone that might mean they make a good partner?’
Victor nods slowly as he ponders my question. ‘Some peoplethink it’s about liking the same things, that kind of hobby matching, but I don’t agree.’
This throws me. ‘Really?’ Wasn’t compatibility partly about liking the same things?
‘Oh yeah. Shreya has her Pilates and brunches with her friends and I like going to watch the cricket. We’ve done those things together before, but she hates sitting around in the stands and I am more of a jogging in the morning man. It’s not that we don’t like spending time together, but we have our own things separate from our relationship.’
I’m not sure I’m entirely following him, but I nod along eagerly so he doesn’t stop.
‘We have our separate lives as individuals, but we’vemadea life together. And to do that, you need someone you can collaborate with. That’s what a relationship is: a collaboration,’ he explains, and that part makes sense to me. A shared life is like a group project you’re both invested in, I think. ‘For some people that’s a partner who challenges them or complements their own personality, but at the end of the day, they’ve got to be someone who always has your back and isn’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong.’
All this sounds right and very smart in terms of the big picture stuff, but if you don’t like the same things, that seems like a day-to-day problem. You can’t have one without the other, surely? What would you even do for dates? Maybe Shreya and Victor are just obscenely lucky people who don’t worry about things like this. Couldn’t be me.
‘Thank you, Victor. I’ll keep that in mind,’ I say, deciding to politely disregard the hobbies part. After all, you still have to talk about what you like in your daily life. I could end up with a fish bothererandhave to hear about it.
‘Carys,’ Victor says, catching my eyes in the mirror. I know he means it nicely, because some people love eye contact, butI feel like he’s peering into my soul when he says, ‘I hope you find a nice man.’
I’m about to sayme toowhen both my thoughts and mouth are interrupted by a very loud, long beep of a car horn that jolts my body like an electric shock.
Victor winds down his window, and leans out. ‘There’s some commotion up ahead. Maybe there’s been an accident?’
I crane my neck but can’t see any blue lights, or hear sirens. ‘I hope they’re okay,’ I offer, because that’s the sort of thing you’re supposed to say rather than wonder how much longer it’ll take.
I try to ignore the hot fizzing in my hands. I hate being late. My phone’s clock confirms it. It might just be by a few minutes, but still. I don’t want to get in trouble or let anyone down. Is it premature to call someone yet?
It’s going to be weird without my phone. I’m not massively one for social media, but having an audiobook on the go while I’m mucking out or fixing fences keeps my brain happy. Today I’ll hand in my phone, and I’ll get it back when I’m engaged or leaving matchless.
