But this is it. This is my one chance to tell her I love her.
‘Carys, I love you,’ I say, making my voice steady. ‘I’ve loved you since that day in the middle of traffic. I’ve loved you this whole time, even when you’re being a little bitch. Especially then, in fact.’ I can’t help but laugh. ‘I think you might be the most interesting person I’ve ever met, maybe also the weirdest, and together I think we have some bizarre kind of magic that makes me run across stately homes to get you.’
Her mouth falls open but no words come out.
There’s a crash, and we both look across the gardens to see the camera crew pouring out of the front door, and several of the production team try to grab hold of Warren, but he’s so massive and lithe he nimbly gets away.
I look back to her. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to pressure you. And you don’t need to come out. You don’t need to do anything. We can pretend we’re just best friends, old school style, if that’s what you want.’
Her scared eyes look back to me.
‘But I think you are the future I need. I’ve thought this whole time that I knew what I wanted, needed, what my mum needed. But I never stopped to think about whether that was true. And that’s why I kept getting so annoyed about you coming in and screwing up all my plans. You made me stop andthink.’
‘How rude of me,’ she laughs breathily.
‘I’m sorry it took me so long, but I’m here now. You’re my world, Carys. What do you think?’ I say, wanting to ask her a million more questions but I know that she just needs the one.
The cameras are approaching, I can tell. We are running out of time, and I worry that this small window that Peony and I forced through is closing.
‘Dolly,’ she begins. ‘You’ve made me realise so much about myself. And now it’s time for me to be honest.’
Her words are a little stilted, and I see with horror that she’s still wearing the show microphone. They can hear everything she says.
The stable door is open and the horse has bolted because no matter what happens, my speech to Carys has been recorded by the show. There’ll be no backup of Warren and me marrying later, if this all goes truly tits up. It’ll be out there, that this happened. Everyone will know when this airs. There’s no way they’ll leave it out.
It’s a weird kind of peace that comes over me. I guess the relief of letting go of a lie you were imprisoning yourself with. Yes, I’m a lesbian and now the world knows.
But that doesn’t have to happen to her.
‘Carys, you don’t have to say anything,’ I insist, cutting her off. ‘You don’t have to say anything. Not for me. Chooseyourself. This doesn’t have to be your moment.’
I look behind us, and I see a cameraman approaching us. The wedding party is running across the grass to us too – Warren, Patrick, Peony, their families, and for some reason the officiant who is absolutely having the worst day of her life. Reb stands in the middle of the lawn by the lake watching us, silent.
‘Carys—’
I want her to run away. I want to free her from this moment, even if it means she won’t pick me. The last thing I want is for her to be forced into this.
‘Please—’
‘I am choosing myself,’ she says. And there, I see the small smile growing on her lips. ‘It’s time. I want to be honest about who I am.’
‘Are you sure?’ I whisper, even though I know it’s quite possible she might be about to be honest about what’s happened between us and still say she doesn’t want to be with me.
‘I’m bisexual. And I’m autistic,’ she says, and I hear some surprised murmuring from the team behind us. ‘I’m both, and I’ve always been both and I’m done hiding all the more complicated parts of me just for everyone else’s comfort. I’m done being palatable.’
I’m so proud of her. She’s lit with the golden sunlight that streams down from above, like she’s on fire. An angel on earth.
I am so fucking proud to know her.
There’s movement behind me and Carys raises a hand. ‘I’m not done.’
She turns back to me, and I can’t help the thrill of hope in my chest.
‘I choose myself,’ she repeats. ‘But also I want to choose you. Dolly, you’ve shown me exactly who I can be. You’ve seen thereal me, the worst parts, the scary parts, and you’ve not been afraid. Well, perhaps a little.’
I laugh and it’s a happy, sobbing sound. ‘Just a bit. I never knew how fast you were. You made me do cardio; terrifying.’
I step forward, one moment at a time on painful feet that I barely notice because I’m radiating with joy.
