This part feels the hardest to explain. How once I probably did like the tea dresses, but I liked knowing I attracted men more. For once in my life, I’d gotten something about being a woman right. Vintage twee was a style that worked for me, and a mask of its own. It feels shameful to admit that it was all kind of fake.
‘Have you considered whether you want to be… or are even a girl?’ Del offers gently.
‘No,’ I say quickly, but not because I’m brushing it away. ‘Woman feels right. I just don’t know who she is. I don’t know what type of woman I want to be.’
‘Well, femme isn’t for everyone, babe,’ Ang says. ‘Maybe just for the really hardcore among us.’
Del picks up an eyelash curler. ‘Like look at this fucking thing.’
‘But designing my wardrobe to appeal to men? That feels unfeminist! I feel like I’ve failed somehow.’
‘You need to quit it with this “failed” nonsense,’ Del says. ‘And look, I’m a feminist and am unfortunately exclusively attracted to men and I get it, it’s complicated and weird, and it sounds even more complicated for you with all this on top.’
‘We couldn’t prise that baseball cap off your head when you were ten,’ Ang observes. ‘You yearn for the sportswear.’
I dab my eyes. ‘I think maybe I just want to wear clothes that don’t make my skin itch all the time. Maybe some shorts once in a while.’
Del pats my thigh. ‘You can wear shorts, baby. If you want to take this bisexual awakening and live your best butch life as part of it, we will help you.’
Ang nods ferociously. ‘You know we love a makey-makeover.’
I wonder if all straight people start to talk like they’re judgingDrag Racewhen someone comes out to them.
‘I guess you can take my old clothes,’ I say with a sniff.
‘Oh no, baby, we don’t want them at all,’ Ang says with such a sweet smile.
‘I don’t know how Patrick will feel about it. He’s only known feminine Carys,’ I sigh, and I see my sisters pass one of those unknowing psychic twin glances they hate me mentioning but definitely is a real thing.
‘So youdostill like Patrick?’ Ang says slowly.
‘I do. I adore him.’
‘You don’t have to marry him, though,’ Del says, ‘if you’re still working all this out.’
‘It’s on camera, Del. I would humiliate him if I said no up there. I don’t want to end our relationship, so I’ll just say yes so we can keep going.’
Another twin glance.
‘Stop thinking things together,’ I groan. ‘I thought twins aren’t supposed to be psychic.’
Ang shakes her head. ‘Sorry. It’s a habit.’
‘Thanks for being so nice about all this,’ I say quietly. ‘I didn’t know who to tell.’
‘Have you spoken to Mum and Dad?’ Ang asks, and the force of my reaction makes her add, ‘Okay, that’s a no.’
‘Mum will just say I’ve got Carys’d away again.’
‘Oh, I hate it when she says that. It’s so fucking rude,’ Del spits. ‘I’ve told her off about it so many times.’
‘You have?’
‘Yes! It’s infantalising.’
‘And ableist,’ Ang says, looking very uncomfortable. ‘She doesn’t like to think about that part, but I think they’d love to act like you’re a girl who can’t look after yourself half the time.’
‘I’ve not done the best job,’ I say. ‘I was just crying about tights.’
