‘I just needed to talk to you,’ I insist.
‘Okay, so talk.’
I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve come to accept,’ I begin, my voice shaky, ‘that I like women.’
‘Was it all the fucking that gave it away?’ she laughs awkwardly. ‘Sorry, it’s the lift. I make jokes when I’m nervous.’
I almost feel bad about how much she’s stressing out.
‘Can I finish my coming out speech, please?’ I say firmly. ‘And then you can leave.’
She blows out a long breath. ‘Go on. Talk to me, Cherry.’
My heart twists. ‘I’m starting to accept that I like women and that’s a lot for me,’ I continue, conscious that I’m sliding into monotone monologue mode, but I’m too tired tomodulate my speech. ‘When I was a teenager, I kind of knew but I had to shove it away. I just didn’t have space to think about it, because so much else was happening – finding out I was autistic right at the end of high school after years of struggling through, trying to understand all the complicated hierarchical rules of friendship groups and then uni too.’
‘That sounds like a lot,’ she says softly.
‘It was. And being into women, whatever that meant, felt like bottom of the list in some respects, but also one of the most painful ones to look at straight on… excuse the pun. Plus I knew I liked men so, you know, it didn’t seem that relevant.’
I feel a little embarrassed admitting the last part to her specifically.
‘That makes sense. Even when it’s joyful there’s the…’ She pauses as she searches for the words. ‘Recognising how much is going to change for you. That separation from compulsory heterosexuality is hard, really hard. Of course you locked that away.’
‘Yeah, Lina suggested that to me but I didn’t really understand everything about it. I’ve been too scared to look it up.’
‘Not to be your preachy gay elder,’ Dolly says. ‘But it’s the idea our society just assumes every woman likes men and only men. And we can internalise that as our own truth, even if it’s just something that the patriarchy is trying to sell us.’
I feel like my world is cracking open, for perhaps the twelfth time this week. There’s a power in naming the Thing that you’ve been battling against. The silent malevolent force is less terrifying when you name it.
‘Yes, that feels right,’ I say, filing that away in my mind to look up online, and then process, later. I suppose it really did feel like that. ‘I think it makes it more complicated that I do still like Patrick.’
‘I bet. The community can rag on bisexuals, calling themstraight or just gay or cheaters or greedy, but youse don’t have it easy.’
‘I’m hardly beating the cheating allegations,’ I sigh, and we both laugh. ‘Anyway, I wanted to say thank you.’
‘Thank me? Carys—’
‘If it wasn’t for you,’ I steamroll ahead or I’ll chicken out of what I want to say. ‘If it wasn’t for whatever this is… was, between us, I wouldn’t have worked it out. Not for a long time, anyway. I’m still not really sure what to do with the information given the circumstances but I guess I accepted something about myself, even if it feels… I don’t know, not relevant.’
‘It can be relevant even if you’re with Patrick. It’s whatever you want it to be.’
‘Yeah, so, despite everything, I think you deserve a thank you.’
She takes this in, watching me. God, I’m going to miss her just watching me.
‘Carys, you don’t need to thank me. I just—’ She stops herself, glancing up at the ceiling. I wait, giving her the space. I hate it when people rush me, after all, but, more than that, the sooner we finish speaking, the sooner this is over. ‘I see you, Carys. You’ve got a lot going on in that head of yours, so I’m glad that you worked it out and it has been… well, an experience to have been a part of that.’
I can’t help but laugh at that. ‘The Carys is a Bit Gay Experience.’
Dolly laughs and shakes her head. ‘But that’s the thing I can’t help but admire about you.’
‘What, that I’m repressed?’
‘Shut up, I’m trying to be serious.’ Dolly takes a breath. ‘Since we met, I see how hard you’re always working to be present or the “right” kind of person.’ She adds the air quotes. ‘I’m not sure it’s even who you want to be, and no one elseseems to notice the effort you’re putting in all the time, or the dissonance. It’s maddening to me, so I don’t know how you manage.’
I feel seen in a way I never have before.
‘I spend my life trying to make it unnoticeable,’ I say, understanding how sad it might sound if someone else said it. ‘You’re the only one who foiled me.’
