It makes me laugh, despite everything.
‘Wedding jitters?’ she asks, perching on the stool. ‘It’s very normal. It’s a big decision.’
‘Not just that,’ I say, feeling my tongue loosen. Hell, if there’s anyone I can tell, who might be able to help me out in this situation, it’s Reb. Maybe she can find out what Patrick’s been saying to his handler? Maybe she can help me find out about Peony?
Maybe she could help me call it off.
‘Patrick’s been texting his ex-girlfriend,’ I tell her, and her eyes widen just a little.
‘Ah. Shit.’
‘Yeah.’
Reb sucks her teeth. ‘And she’s still around? Is he actively in a relationship with her? Have you seen her around the apartments?’
I frown slightly because none of these are things I’d even considered possible. Why does she think he’s capable of that? ‘No, he’s not,’ I insist.
‘Okay, don’t get freaked out,’ she says, apparently seeing how freaked out I am. ‘Just protocol. I have to ask you that in case it’s, you know, a security issue.’
‘I’m justupset.’
‘Of course you are. Do you want to talk to the therapist about it? I can get you an appointment for later today, before we film the drinks tonight.’
‘What—’ My mouth goes dry. ‘What if I didn’t want to do it anymore?’
Her eyebrows meet. ‘You mean, get married?’
I don’t answer.
‘That’s what the altar is for,’ she says, her voice taking on a firmer tone. ‘If either of you decide that you don’t want to take it any further, you can just stop at the vows and leave the relationship there. That’s built into the show for you.’
Her words are straight out of theWedded Blisshandbook.
‘And if I didn’t want to even go through with the wedding?’ It comes out as a whisper.
Reb presses her lips together. ‘Carys, there’s a contract. The agreement is that you’d stay until the end, once you’re engaged, unless the show decides to let you go. I… I think it would be wise to stick things through,’ she says slowly. ‘For Patrick,’ she adds hastily, though I have no idea how humiliating him at the altar would be in his best interests.
Something sinks in my stomach. It’s clear that if I struggle now, the show is not here for me. They want that. That’s what makes good television. I can’t help but wonder if Lina has tried to have similar conversations with her handler.
I’m sad that it means Reb and I aren’t real friends. I’m always misjudging that.
Still, we’ve got the rest of the day to film so I plaster on a brave smile. ‘Sorry, I really don’t want to leave. I just… wanted…’ I shrug and can see the slightly silly face I’m pulling in the mirror, like oh gosh I’m sorandomaren’t I. ‘I guess I got carried away. And no, thank you for the offer, but I don’t need to speak to a therapist. The good cry helped.’
‘Sure,’ Reb says, not meeting my eyes as she leaves.
I smooth out the fuzzed edges of my makeup with my little finger, and remember to slip my mask back on as I follow after her.
When I walk back into the dressing room, Dolly steps up onto the dais in a figure-hugging, off-the-shoulder cream dress in draped satin. She takes my breath away. Her slicked-back hair gives it a harder look, and I can imagine a vintage leather jacket draped over her shoulders. I imagine a different world where she stands waiting for me, clutching a bouquet in her hands. Her scarlet lips breaking into a smile as she sees me walking towards her.
I take the first seat I find, which happens to be right behind Whit’s mum, a woman wrapped in a beautiful silk scarf and a cloud of heavenly perfume. ‘God, she looks incredible,’ Whit’s mum says to her daughter, and she’s right. She tilts her head closer to Whit. ‘Where’s her mum, though? Did she not want to be filmed?’
Whit says, ‘Oh, Dolly’s mum’s disabled. She’s very sick, and can’t easily leave the house, so she’s saving her energy for the proper wedding instead. They’re very close, so I think she’s missing her.’ I feel my world crack in half.
‘Poor girl. It’s hard to be without your mother on a day like this.’
‘Yeah. She’s her main carer too, so I know she’s been worrying the whole time. I think meeting Warren went well, at least. It’s just hard.’
‘I understand. Could they not Zoom her in?’
