Chapter Twenty-Nine
Jess
When Lily opens the door, Jess almost falls into her arms as if she were the love interest in an old-fashioned romantic film. Truth is, she’s desperate for a hug. Hugs steady her, and she needs steadying. The thing with Alex, it’s starting to feel like a roller coaster. The unspokenness of what it is they are to each other, and then his questions about her dad – questions she’s never cracked open before with anyone, let alone any quasi-boyfriends. She’s always loved roller coasters, but the thing is, if you stay on them long enough, you end up feeling a bit sick. Not to mention dizzy and disorientated. And like the ground is shaking under you.
Jess knows she isn’t making up her chemistry with Alex. You can’t make up what they had in Godalming, and there’s something soft in his voice when he talks to her that tells her how he feels about her. But this reluctance to commit, to call a spade a spade – it’s odd, and she doesn’t like it.
‘Are you sure he’s not just being, you know, male?’ Lily asks her when she’s got to the bottom of why Jess is hugging her a little longer and more desperately thanusual. ‘They can be like that. Non-committal. They think playing hard to get is going to make us work harder for their affection, somehow.’
‘Did Gareth do that with you?’
Lily looks at the ground. ‘No.’ She’s always been aware of how easy her love story with Gareth has looked from the outside, though when Jess hints at this, she gets defensive, says things like,All relationships take workandNobody’s perfect, not even Gareth.She moves off the subject now, back to Jess and Alex. ‘Honestly, Jess. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s got a killer dimple. Don’t give up on this one.’
‘Who said anything about giving up?’
‘Just – I know what you’re like. You get all excited about a guy, and then things get tough, or he wants to talk about stuff that isn’t as fun, and you move on to another crush.’
Now it’s Jess’s turn to feel defensive. But the truth is, she knows Lily’s right. This is the great thing and also the worst thing about having been best friends for years. There’s no hiding; there’s no convincing Lily that she is anyone other than who she is. And in Jess’s case, that’s flighty, pain avoidant, easily distracted. Except when it comes to books – the passion she’s stuck with the longest. But maybe that’s because each book is different, its own journey with its own setting and story and characters, each one lasting a comparatively short amount of time. Reading is, in many ways, the perfect hobby – the perfect career – for people always looking for adventures.
‘It feels like this isn’t like the other times,’ Jess says, and this isn’t a lie.
‘That sounds familiar.’ Lily is smiling. They both know this is always what Jess says.
‘No, but I really do mean it.’
‘That sounds familiar, too.’
Lily isn’t wrong. Maybe Alex isn’t any different from the many crushes she’s dabbled in her entire adult life. She broke up with her first boyfriend at school for no specific reason – just because she stopped being excited about him. The poor guy was crushed, and Jess felt terrible, but less terrible once she’d moved on to another boyfriend. The pattern had pretty much repeated itself all the way through her uni years, until the most recent drought, which had lasted a while. She was sick of the merry-go-round. She wanted to find someone she could commit to, someone who would keep her on her toes. Someone with whom life would feel like an adventure, so she wouldn’t feel she was giving up on adventure when she settled down with them.
Jess was pretty sure she’d found that person this time. Alex’s brain, his creativity – they are a source of endless fascination to her. She knows that when two or more bookworms are gathered, they are never short of conversation: whether it’s a spirited disagreement on the personal ranking of Emily Henry novels, or a passionate defence of their favourite independent bookshop, or discussions on the relative merits of prologues and epilogues – there’s always something to talk about. And the problem with a lot of Jess’s previous boyfriends was that they just hadn’t been that interested in all of that.When she met Alex, she’d thought his strong views on romance as a genre were the biggest imaginable turn-off, but actually, the biggest imaginable turn-off is having no strong views at all, especially on matters having to do with books. Convincing him to love the genre will be a challenge – the kind of challenge she loves – although, thanks to Nathan’s choice of reading recommendations, perhaps an easier challenge than she’d anticipated.
‘Just …’ Lily says, brow wrinkled in concern. ‘I say this with love. But I’m concerned you won’t give this one enough of a chance.’
‘There’s nothing I’d like more than to give him a chance. But it feels like he’s not giving me a chance to givehima chance, you know?’
Lily grabs the gin from the cupboard. She doesn’t ask if Jess would like any; she knows the answer. Besides, this is an emergency situation; the gin is medicinal.
‘Speaking of shots,’ she says, putting a glass in front of Jess. ‘You’re sure he’s not just leaving things on hold till the book is done?’
‘No,’ Jess says. ‘I’m not sure he isn’t. But I’m also not sure that heis. It feels like there’s something he’s not telling me.’ She hadn’t even realised this till the words were out of her mouth – but yes, that’s exactly what it feels like.
‘Like a wife in the attic?’
‘He doesn’t have an attic.’
‘But if he did, and there was a wife in there, do you think you would know about it?’
Jess pauses, thinking. Alex has definitely been vulnerable and transparent in some ways, for sure. But maybe those ways are a cover. Maybe he’s told her just enough so that he doesn’t have to tell her everything?
‘It’s possible that I wouldn’t,’ she concedes.
‘Well, then. Maybe you could start there. Push on some conversational doors. See where they lead.’
The idea of making Alex uncomfortable – of, frankly, making things uncomfortable for them both – while they are in this forced-proximity situation, while the book is still being worked on, being worked out, seems extremely questionable. Jess squirms and grimaces.
‘I’m telling you, Jess,’ Lily says. ‘I’ve got a good feeling about this one. This relationship is worth fighting for.’
The wordfightingdoesn’t exactly make Jess feel any less squirmy. Relationships should be about joy and fun, especially at the beginning. Surely?
