But she checks, just in case, and when she seesMumflashing up on her screen, it’s a no-brainer. It’s so rare that she calls. Poking her head around the kitchen door, she checks that Lily and Alex aren’t sitting in awkward silence. In fact, Lily is throwing her head back, laughing. That is probably worrying in a different way, but at least Jess can assume that the two of them won’t just stare at each other in awkward silence for as long as this call lasts, which, knowing Jess’s mum, won’t be very long at all.
‘Hi, Mum,’ she says, flicking the kettle on.
‘How are you, love?’
Howisshe? That is an excellent question. Two of her favourite people are hanging out in the living room, their laughter filling the small flat. She’s recently had the best sex of her life. And she has, basically, a book deal. Things are, in the main, looking great. It feels good to be able to say that – especially to her mum, who, much like her grandparents, has always been somewhat baffled by her chosen career, albeit ever-encouraging.
‘Actually, things are going well at the moment,’ she says, preparing to take a breath to say more, while at the same time wondering how much of it she should share. Her instinct is to talk about all of it, but so much of it feels precarious, and she feels protective of her new relationship-or-whatever-it-is with a hot, famousauthor. She feels, too, oddly protective of what she now thinks of as their book. She hadn’t expected to have to decide how much to share just yet, so she stalls for time while her brain processes it. ‘How are you?’
‘Oh, good, good.’ In the background, waves roll over pebbles. What sounds like a football is kicked. ‘I’m having fun,’ her mum says, which Jess has always assumed was code for,I’ve got a new man. But she’s never asked further questions. She’s always felt it’s up to her mum to offer up the information, rather than have it dragged out of her. ‘Off to Gibraltar tomorrow.’
‘That sounds fun,’ Jess says.
‘I can’t talk long,’ her mum says, and why does Jess’s stomach always sink when she says this? It’s not as if a part of her doesn’t expect it, every single time. ‘I just wanted to see if you wanted anything brought back from Spain?’
The single Spanish thing Jess can think of in this moment is chorizo. But you can get some pretty good stuff round the corner these days, and there’s only so much chorizo she can eat.
‘I think I’m good,’ she says. Lily’s laughter rings out, and a thought occurs to Jess. ‘Lily always likes a Spanish magazine, to keep up her skills.’
If Jess had met a man at Spanish evening class, she would have assumed that had been the whole purpose behind her going, that the gods of romance had sent her there not to learn a language but to meet a man. She would have immediately stopped going, relieved not to have to keep testing herself on obscure verb conjugations and on vocab she would, let’s be real, never use. But Lilyreallyhadwanted to learn Spanish – so much so, that Jess has sometimes worried she would one day move to Andalusia or the Costa Blanca. She took a GCSE last summer and is considering an A Level. Gareth has lost interest, but that doesn’t stop her soldiering on. Jess applauds her for that. Aside from all things books, Jess has dabbled in a million hobbies, never really sticking at them. She’s been to a pottery class; she’s tried wine tasting a couple of times; somewhere she’s still got an Italian textbook. Every Christmas she proudly digs out the one decoration she taught herself to crochet – a snowman, copies of which she made for all of her friends that year – and wishes she’d kept at it, though she isn’t sure how many lovingly home-made blankets the world really needs.
‘No problemo,’ her mum says on the other end of the phone. ‘I’ll pick a couple up at the airport for her. Must whizz, darling. Lots of love.’
And just like that, she’s gone, leaving Jess with the usual mix of post-maternal-check-in, pit-in-her-stomach feelings. She’s glad her mum calls regularly and seems to think of her often. But she also wishes she’d slow down long enough to really hear what’s going on in Jess’s life. There have been times when the subtext has been so obvious – when Jess needed a shoulder to cry on after a bad breakup, or in the aftermath of Lily moving out and the lonely silence that followed – but her mum has never taken the time to really hear it. Jess suspects, or maybe likes to think, that she’d be mortified if she knew that Jess needed her and she hadn’t been there. She can hear her protests now, covering up her guilt:But yousaid you were fine!And, true, Jess hadn’t decided if she was ready to tell her mum about Alex yet. Maybe she’s glad she hasn’t, in case it turns out to be nothing, though even just considering that possibility makes her feel sick. But it would have been nice to have the choice, that’s all.
She sighs, then shakes her head to rid herself of these frustrating feelings. She wants to stay here, in her bubble of joy: a bubble where Alex and Lily are laughing together in her flat, probably about to mercilessly tease her over her lovingly made tea. A bubble where she and Alex are creating his next bestseller together and she is learning enough from him to write her own one day. It’s a good place to be. Better, probably, than sun-drenched Gibraltar, no matter how plentiful the chorizo.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Alex
Jess seems to have lost some of her sparkle when she comes back from the kitchen, tea in hand. Alex is instantly concerned – about her, and then about himself, about how quickly he is becoming attuned to the tiniest shift in her moods. He likes to think he is good at reading people, and the more he cares about them, the more effort he puts into it. This is precisely what is worrying him. He cares too much, probably. Too much, and too soon.
But also, it is kind of nice. To care like this about someone outside his family. To be getting to know Jess – her bright, electric, enthusiastic self. To be let in on her wider world – chatting to Lily has felt a little like reading a prequel to a favourite novel, the kind that zooms in on the backstory of a beloved character, so you can understand them better, be even more invested in what happens to them. Jess talks of Lily the way he does of his family; he knows she is important to her. He suspects, too, that Lily’s approval of him could potentially make or break whatever this is between them. So he turned on his most charming,most witty self – the self that, to be fair, seems to naturally come out when he is with Jess. And it seems to be working. He’d kill to see the report card Lily will give him later on.
‘What’s new with you, anyway?’ Jess asks Lily, handing over the tea when she comes back into the room.
Lily swats the question away with a hand wave. ‘Oh, let’s not talk about me,’ she says brightly. A bit too brightly, maybe, Alex thinks, and by the looks of Jess’s quizzically raised eyebrows, it seems he is right. But then Lily reaches into her handbag and pulls out a book. ‘Although, I just finished this book on the way here, and let me tell you, it blew me away.’
Alex lets a gasp escape. It’s the same book he was reading on the train to Godalming. He didn’t think Jess had noticed, but the way her eyes are boring into the side of his face now suggests otherwise.
‘So good, right?’ Jess says, a sigh in her voice. ‘I need to reread it. But, you know, so many books—’
‘So little time,’ Lily finishes for her.
This time, Jess turns to face him. Like him, she’s no doubt relieved that they’re on safe ground now – books.
‘I think Alex has read that one,’ she says. ‘He was trying to hide it from me on the train, for some reason.’ She nudges his foot with hers. ‘Probably too proud to admit he was readingromance.’
‘I was absorbed,’ he lies. The book was making a valiant attempt at holding his attention, but with Jess that close, smelling that good, not evenInfinite Jestwould have stood a chance.
Lily swivels towards him. ‘First romance novel?’ she asks.
Damn her. He’s going to have to watch out for this one. ‘Maybe,’ he says.
‘Welcome to the party,’ Lily says, throwing up her arms. ‘Better to turn up late than not at all. Was it Jess’s influence?’
Yes, it was, and also no, it wasn’t. Eventually, he is sure that Jess would have pressed a book into his hands, and he would have been too weak-kneed and addled to say no to her about anything. Not to mention that he would have welcomed the opportunity to explore her world, to find out what makes her tick, what it is exactly that she loves and why. But this was Nathan’s doing – his attempt to open Alex’s mind, help him draw from other genres to lighten his own writing. Then again, working with Jess was part of that, too.
