It isn’t charming to phrase an email like a character in a Dickens novel would. Get with it. This is 2026.
My suggested scenes had clearly written all over them ‘obviously, you can write these much better, this is just a broad-brush suggestion’.
Also, saying ‘no offence’ after something offensive doesn’t make it any less offensive.
Also, also, your constant use of Latin is not endearing or impressive. It’s irritating and pompous. It so happens that I have an A Level in Latin, but I don’t feel the need to constantly brandish it around like some kind of blunt weapon.
Also, also, also, I know what anaphora and epistrophe are, and I understand the Rule of Three. I just don’t necessarily think a novel is best served by making constant use of the same figures of speech over and over again. Yours certainly isn’t.
Your name, by the way, is an anagram of Relax, Edna. I wish you’d take that advice. Maybe you’d be happier. Maybe we all would.
Yours disrespectfully, because frankly that’s all you deserve,
Jess
From: Jess Martin
To: Alex Maxwell
Subject: Jess Martin has attempted to recall an email
From: Alex Maxwell
To: Jess Martin
Subject: Too late
J,
It is nice to know what you think of me. Not that I was really in any doubt, but if those doubts had existed, it would have been a relief to have them assuaged.
A.
From: Alex Maxell
To:
Subject: My arrogance, apparently
Jessica,
At least, I assume it’s Jessica. Although I wouldn’t put it past you to be above having an actual full name. Full names are verynormalandboring,after all.
I actuallyamnever going to send this to you, because I am not careless enough to accidentallypress send. See how I haven’t added your email address into the required field? That is to doubly make sure that if Idoaccidentally presssend– say, because fury is preventing me from thinking logically – I am protected from my own stupidity.
One day, we will look back at this wholedébâcleand laugh, and laugh. (I’d normally add a thirdand laughbut wouldn’t want to offend your sensibilities by overdoing the Rule of Three.) What larks! We could have been rich and famous, both of us successful authors and perhaps even friends! But instead we are both stubborn and arrogant in our own endearing ways. It will make for a great story. Though perhaps we’d rather have the success, fame, and friendship*? I suppose we’ll never know.
*Yes, that’s an Oxford comma. Deal with it.
All my worst,
Edna.
(What is this relaxing of which you speak?)
From: Jess Martin
To: Lily Saunders
