‘Ah.’
Erin is holding out on Lexi, and she can tell. There are things she wants to say.
‘C’mon,’ Lexi tells her. ‘Out with it.’
‘Well, just that it sounds like self-sabotage to me,’ Erin says. ‘He sounds like someone who’s not ready to be in a relationship and is coming up with excuses not to be. I’m sorry you got caught up in the middle of that. It sucks, and you deserve better.’
Lexi thinks, for the thousandth time that day, about how it felt to be in bed with Sam. That it seemed like he was ready to commit, ready to risk his heart, and she shattered it. She feels sad and angry that he’s hurt her, and she feels like an idiot for going after a lost cause, but she also feels really, really bad for hurting him when he was taking that risk for the first time in so long. When he was trying to do things right.
‘Did you sleep with him?’
Lexi knows that Erin isn’t judging. Erin knows she’s in the minority with the whole waiting for marriage thing. But she also really believes that sex is some kind of magical glue that binds you to someone irreparably and makes any break-up devastating. Lexi doesn’t know if she believes that– but in this case, maybe she does. He’d waited; he’d wanted do things right, to get to know each other first. How she feels with him is not necessarily a reliable indicator of a soulmate, but certainly a sign that points in that direction.
‘Yeah.’
‘Oh, Lexi.’ Erin comes over to her and hugs her. Lexi takes it in the spirit it’s meant: compassion, empathy. Erin knows it’s been a long time for Lexi, knows that for, ugh, eighteen months now– how depressing– she’s never made it into bed with a guy from the apps, because by date three (on the rare occasion they got that far) something had always revealed itself to be wrong. Erin knows Lexi was hoping for someone halfway decent to break the long drought with.
‘It was pretty damn great, actually,’ she tells her through her tears.
Erin laughs. ‘Well, good. At least there’s that.’
‘I feel like such an idiot.’
‘We’ve all been there,’ Erin says. ‘We’ve all been bad judges of character.’
Lexi nods, sniffling, pulling away from the hug to find a tissue. Inside her, a small voice argues that in fact she hasn’t been a bad judge of character, that she got it right, that Sam lashed out because she hurt him. But she tamps the voice down. She was right when she swore off men. When she swore off falling in love. She doesn’t have time to fall apart. She’s got a bookshop to rescue, in part thanks to him.
‘Screw him,’ she says. ‘You’re right. He’s not worth wasting any more energy over.’
‘You know what you need? An emergency karaoke session. I’ll text the others.’
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, Lexi knows that Erin is right. Short of being with Sam, that is exactly what she needs.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
‘I Will Survive’ has always been Lexi’s go-to karaoke song, and it’s never been more apt than this evening. Her friends whoop and clap in all the right places. They haven’t saidI told you so; they seem to just be glad she’s seen the light. They’re all convinced Sam is the bad one, the one who broke Lexi’s heart, the one who can’t hold down a relationship, and it’s easier to let them believe it. She yells the lyrics, and yells them even louder when Erin joins her. She feels like she’s on her way to having her best friend back– maybe it’s worth the trade?
It probably isn’t worth the hangover she wakes up with, though. Lexi winces when her alarm clock goes off, but luckily she’s anticipated this and laid out some bedside paracetamol for this very purpose. And by the time it kicks in, she feels better, and the catharsis of last night has kicked in, too. Screw him, she thinks. Who needs him? She’s got her shop, and her shop needs her. That’s where she should be putting her energy right now. She’s disgusted with herself for ever having let herself get distracted by a guy, and especially by a guy who’s the very reason her shop is struggling in the first place.
She stops at Peregrine for her much-needed latte, gathering her strength rather than grabbing that strength to go as she usually does.
‘I’ve never seen you not in motion,’ Alli says.
Thankfully, Sam isn’t there. Not that she’s thinking about him. And not that she’s worried about bumping into him. She is a strong, independent woman. She’s got this. It’s just that it’s maybe a little bit easier to be strong and independent and to have this when he’s not around to look deep into her soul with those green eyes of his.
Lexi takes several deep breaths as she leaves Peregrine, crosses the road, and pushes the door to the bookshop open. She has seen the light: no more men, no matter how good the sex. She is strong. She is focused. She grins with all her yellowing British teeth at her colleagues tidying books and dusting shelves, getting the place ready for their first customers of the day.
‘Morning,’ she says brightly.
Hazel and Natalie exchange a look that seems confused. It’s brief, and Lexi is pretty sure she isn’t meant to have seen it.
‘I know I’ve seemed confused lately,’ she tells them. She might as well address the elephant in the room head-on, even though she refuses to give the elephant a name. If she did, they’d– rightly– question her loyalty, her judgement, her sanity. ‘But I’m back now. Head in the game. One hundred per cent focused. Ready to hear all your ideas. Ready to take on the world, and especially rival bookshops.’
They exchange another look. One that could be implying that Lexi is coming across as a little unhinged.Isshe sounding unhinged? Or are they just feeling whiplashed by the sudden gear shift?
In her office, she checks on a sleeping Pippin and starts brainstorming her Jane-themed ideas. She could waste hours down the Pinterest wormhole, and oh, look at that, before she knows it, shehaswasted hours down the Pinterest wormhole. In her defence, she’s found some good merch to sell, and some inspiration for ideas. They could have an annual Jane Austen Day: discounts on her books, panels by authors who’ve written retellings, giveaways on cute merch. It’s unhelpful that Jane Austen was born in December, the busiest time of the year, butPride and Prejudicewas published in January, a time of year we can all agree needs some joy injected into it. Not only that, but it’s theendof the month: by this time, everyone is ready to concede defeat on New Year’s resolutions about spending less and admit out loud that they’ve given up on Dry January. It’s a while away, but that will give them time to really plan it out, something to focus on and work towards.
She emails Megan to ensure they have an appropriate stock of relevant books, possibly even exceeding the usual amount. She also contacts Debbie, the merchandiser, so she can start looking for the really good stuff, from socks to mugs to notebooks. And then finally, Tessa, so she can begin assembling assets for announcing and promoting the event. By the time Pippin stretches, emerging from his mid-morning nap, Lexi is emerging too: a new woman, full of energy and ideas. It’s all going to be okay. She’s got an amazing team. They’ve got this.
