Because even though I kept this secret, it was real. Whether you believe me or not, what I felt for you was real. I tried so hard to push you away, but I couldn’t. I knew I could never tell you the truth, and I could not live the lie forever. It was selfish to drag you along, and I’m sorry.
I know I’m a terrible person, but I’m not sure I can stop this because… well, I guess I can’t explain that strange pull in my chest. I’ve never felt it before in my life, nor have I ever been this close to someone with fire… and definitely not one of your strength. Honestly, our magics should be violently repelling one another.
I just never expected towantto be wrong about you. Not as a fire wielder, but as a man. I learned it at the inn, when I disguised myself as Maeve. I saw a similar type of hurt that I saw in myself. It’s why I approached you at the auction. It’s why I threw the dagger wide and let myself be captured. It’s why I stayed back with the Wraturo and kept my promise to stay with you until Severina. All of those times, I knew I was just giving myself false hope that you might change in the same way I have.
All because you counted my breaths, Cason. In that moment, I didn’t care that I’d get burned.
I wanted to set the world on fire with you.
And I’m not writing this in the hopes I can convince you not to kill me. If you do, I want you to know I understand. It will still hurt—gods, it will hurt more than any torture I’ll face—but I deserve it for what I did to you.
Regardless of how you feel about me, I do hope you take this last bit of advice.
I don’t know what is going on with the wall, but it will not be good. I don’t care if she’s my god, do not trust Ryia. She saved only the pure shadow-blessed and left innocents to suffer. She will bring chaos and death with her, and since she didn’t care about protecting the rest of Valisea even after they honored her, I doubt her destruction will only be reserved for the other five kingdoms.
Be prepared for war, and when it comes time, do not count. Let that glorious fire burn and do not stop until it’s all gone. And if I’m still alive, tell that bitch of a shadow god I’m coming for her.
Tell Serill thank you for the books and for his friendship. Tell Boelyn I’ve hidden three more buckets of water, unless he’s already found them. Then tell him I’ve hidden five so he lives the rest of his life wondering where the other two are. And if you’re really in the mood to get back at Gerrart for being an asshole and calling you tainted, tell him he was right to be afraid. A celvusa did break into his office, and even if it’s my last act in this world, I will find a way to use my magic to let that beast rip him apart. You’re welcome to join me in watching. I’ll bring snacks.
In the end, I hope you learn to trust what Serill sees in you. I hope that you’ll help him build a better world and find others who want the same things. Because there are people out there who will fight for that kind of world. If I, a cursed shadow-kind, can find two people like Elias and Farrah who see me for my humanity and not my magic, you can find an entire kingdom’s worth to see beyond your fire and multiple gods-blessed gifts.
You just have to be ready to accept the hand when it’s offered.
Since it’s hard to do a dramatic reveal in a letter I’m writing weeks ahead of time, here’s my last bit of advice. Keep the blood inside your body, do not ignore the shadows, and don’t die.
-Empress of Chaos, Nightmares, and Death
P.S. If I haven’t won my throwing knife back by now, remember that it’s my favorite and I will get it back. And I think you know that being dead or captured won’t stop me from trying. Should be an epic showdown, the dragon versus the shadow wolf. I look forward to it.
* * *
Four hells.
Cason sat on the bed, reading the letter over and over. She’d written this the first night in Aelstow. Before the courtyard, before the library, before she’d brought him dinner and forced him to finally talk to her.
Before the entire trip to Valisea when he’d actually started to love her.
She’d known how she felt about him from the start. She’d said she would break if someone captured him or used him against her. She’d beensobbingwhen she thought he was going to die. Begging him to stay alive.
No, he couldn’t fall for it. She was shadow-cursed. She’d used that cruel magic to manipulate him before.
Except deep down, he believed it. He’d seen the truth from her too many times. He knew she wasn’t lying about what she felt for him, but he was lying to himself. Serill was right.
Maybe you should be asking yourself why, after all this time, she still hid who she really was fromyou.
Conversation after conversation rang through his head. Brela’s friends standing up for her, making subtle remarks about who she was as a person. Her reminders that she wasn’t afraid of magic because it wasn’t the magic that was evil, but the men who wielded it with malicious intent.
And then Oni’s remark in the desert.Be the man she believes you are, Cason. When the time comes, I hope you’ll understand. She is not your enemy.
Brela had continued to reach her hand out to him, even after he had cursed her people at the auction. Even in Averlyn after he had said such cruel things to her. He’d shoved her away. He hadn’t been the man she believed he was.
Oh, gods. Hischain.
Cason shoved his head into his hands. How could he be so stupid?
How many times had hefeltthat pull toward her, the same one she’d been feeling since before he knew it existed? Everything she’d done… it was genuine. All of it was because she cared about him.
He hadn’t understood.
