Her grandmother’s face was as tired as it had been all evening, drained and sallow. But there was an eagerness in the set of her mouth. An intent focus to her gaze.
“I think I knew, even if I told myself I didn’t,” Vesima offered softly. “The family was not holding on well; your father fought every attempt to help him. He was so angry. It was tearing the family apart, and I let your father isolate you all up on the hill. I thought it would keep the rest of the family strong while he healed, and you’d all return when you were ready.
“Just like I keep thinkingyouwill return when you’re ready.” Vesima sighed, shaking her head and looking out into the post’s village. Perhaps toward Iryana’s house. “If I had known—if I had realized the cost, I would have kept you all here.”
Iryana curled in on herself, partly from the confusion and partly from the shame. “But you didn’t.”
Vesima moved closer, her steps labored.
“I knew your mother was hurting. Those last months before she left, she was a shell of herself. I thought she was just lonely and grieving the war like we all were. She hid how bad it was. I have been so mad at her since she left, for leaving you girls. I know she loved you all more than anything.” Vesima reached out and grabbed Iryana’s hand firmly, shock keeping Iryana from fighting it. “I think she must have reached the point where she couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t keep on living like that. I should have seen the signs. She chose to live, to leave.”
Live? Iryana stared at her grandmother, trying to make sense of her words. Did Grandmother think Iryana’s mother feared death at her husband’s hands?
No, Iryana realized. She was saying Iryana’s mother had to choose between killing herself or leaving. Iryana’s eyes burned as she realized how much she had added to her mother’s problems. Every time Iryana had refused to listen, pushedback at her father’s control, it was her mother that had paid the price. Tears started spilling over her cheeks.
She tried to pull away, but her grandmother held on to her hand with surprising strength.
“If I had paid more attention…” her grandmother trailed off, her weathered thumb rubbing against Iryana’s hand.
If I had behaved better, Iryana thought.
Her grandmother was watching her carefully. “A mother wants to protect her children. Every parent does. But your mother was not okay. She was not in a state where she could take care of herself, let alone the three of you. I won’t excuse what she did; she shouldn’t have left. But your mother—well, I suppose she was sick too, in a way. But she loved you; there is not an ounce of my heart that believes she left due to a lack of love for her children.”
“Love isn’t always enough,” Iryana said bitterly.
“Perhaps not, but family should be. We should have taken care of you all, kept it from getting so bad. I am so sorry, Iryana. I will live with that regret for the rest of my life. The rest of the family will too, now that they know.”
She wished they didn’t know.
She had always wondered how aware the rest of the family was of her father’s treatment of them, but she had never thought it really mattered. They had seen her father’s anger before banishing them all to the cottage. They should have known it would only get worse. They knew what the poppy did. The clan hadn’t been there for them like she had naively thought they would when she was little.
All the regret in the world couldn’t change things now.
Her grandmother squeezed her hand. “You are a Kleesold. And we have a family to save. Come back inside so we can decide what to do next.”
Iryana considered refusing; she didn’t know how to face her family now. But her heart was in shreds thinking of her mother, and she wished she could apologize to her sisters. She couldn’t leave. No matter what it took, she would save the Kleesolds. For her sisters.
She wouldn’t leave them like their mother had.
“Okay. Let’s go back.”
Back in the hall, the plates and platters from dinner already cleared away, Iryana found herself sitting next to her grandmother. The family was reserved. All eyes were on them, other than Iryana’s uncles, who were avoiding looking at her.
“We have a lot to discuss,” the First said, voice clear. “A lot to think about after tonight. But for now, we need a plan. Iryana needs to head back soon.”
That seemed to return a bit of energy to the room. Iryana took a moment to focus, to push all her emotions and anxieties away.
“Hadima said you had a plan,” the First opened for her.
Iryana found herself more collected than she’d expected.
She explained Karvek’s recently acquired strength, his mission to continue amassing power. Told them that Karvek was looking for a spy, a traitor. She didn’t tell them about Pyetar’s involvement, though.
“I have an idea. The start of one at least.” Her throat was tight, but she forced herself to continue. “Karvek will never let his soldiers see any weakness. A traitor would be dealt with privately; he wouldn’t dare expose such a failing. That means Karvek will deal with it himself, so we can get him alone. And then we have to kill him. A surprise attack, he is too strong for anything else.”
It was such a risky plan, but she didn’t know how else to scatter his forces, to give someone better a chance to wrest control.
“I can tell Karvek that I came back here with a suspicion that the 18th’s liaison was involved. That I, uh—questioned him. Found out where the informant had arranged a meeting or something. I have to work out the details. But when Karvek goes to meet the informant. I will be there instead. And I’ll kill him.”
