“It was years of his anger, of failing to help him. I should have forgiven him for what he was doing to us, but I didn’t understand. He had saved so many lives, and I could only think that he was ruining mine. I was an awful child. I pushed him too far, argued with him, with my mother. I just wanted to leave, to go back to the main house where I was happy.”
She’d thought that if she were enough of a nuisance, perhaps they would send her to live with Hadima in the main house. She was a terror. Ignoring her mother, hiding from her chores, talking back, and when she got lonely, she’d latch onto her mom and refuse to let go even as her father yelled for his wife.
“How old were you?”
She shook her head. “I think I was eleven when I begged my mother to let us go back to the main house, to let the rest of the family take a turn caring for father. I thought the Kleesolds would always help each other, never turn their backs on us.”
“What did your mother do?”
“She said the clan wouldn’t let us abandon him, that it was our duty. She said, ‘We don’t all get to be happy, little owl.’ That’s what she used to call me: her little owl. I tried, I really did. I could see it on my mother’s face, how much she wanted me to behave, to stop acting out. To be good. I think I realized too late how important it was. I promised to be less naughty, but she said it didn’t matter anymore. And then she walked away. And I never saw her again.”
“Your mother left?”
Iryana shook her head. Everything was spinning, and she felt sick. Some things weren’t meant to be said. It already hurt too much just dragging the words out of her.
“The magic of the blood is still resisting. It can sense your walls, and it needs to get past them.” The Keeper sighed loudly. “I am sorry, young one. If you want to be forged, we must hear those words. I must bind Noshtiz’s magic to you with them.”
Iryana stared at her hands. She felt like another word would end her. Why did she have to face this to save her family? It was cruel and unjust.
She could turn away, climb up all the ladders, slip out of the temple, and find a new settlement to take her in. Perhaps with enough time, she could forget aboutthe Kleesolds. But one thought of Misha’s face, and Iryana knew she would suffer through anything to save her. To save them all.
“My mother was wrong about it being too late, at least for her. She got out. I don’t blame her for that. But it was too late for me.” Hot tears streamed down her cheeks. “I had let her down. I was selfish and unfeeling, and I made him hurt her more.”
The Keeper opened his mouth, but shut it firmly into a hard, thin line. Shame filled Iryana.
“It’s why she left without us. Misha was only four; it wasn’t her fault. It wasmine. I wasn’t enough to make her stay. Gods, I messed up enough that even little Misha wasn’t enough. Then she was gone.”
Iryana looked at the Keeper, at how his head hung. His voice was rough when he finally spoke. “What happened after she left?”
“When the family eventually realized my mother was gone, they took Misha back to the main house. I stayed to look after him until he died two years later.”
“Did you go back to be with your clan after that?” he asked.
“For a few years.” She shrugged. “But I couldn’t go back to the way things were before. I wasn’t the same. I couldn’t just laugh and pretend like those four years never happened. I was so jumpy and anxious, and no matter how hard I tried to fit in, no matter how hard Hadima tried to make me, it just made things worse. I was broken, and I—”
Iryana swallowed, taking another breath to strengthen her nerves.
“I couldn’t forgive them for leaving me there. For abandoning my father and pushing him away when we needed their help. I did try, I really did. But I just kept ruining things. Making them worse. I even got my cousin killed.
“I focused on my studies, my duties, and I said my guardian vows at sixteen. But then I made a deal with my grandmother, and I moved back to our little cottage. I think she could tell I didn’t fit with the family anymore. I knew it was best if I kept as much distance as I could. And I lived there until this spring, when Karvek brought me into the brigade.”
Iryana wondered if the Keeper was going to demand the secrets of her mission, how she planned to betray the knowledge of the temple to help her family. But that wasn’t what he asked.
“Have you forgiven them for abandoning you?”
Iryana flinched. “It wasn’t their fault; it’s the oaths we take. A guardian’s duty is to their people over their clan. Over their family. I just—learned that the hard way.”
“Then why?” His voice was almost as hard as hers. “Why did you live alone for years?”
Why.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
An unhinged laugh caught in her throat as she looked over to the Keeper.
Why?
“Because I am just like him! He had been good, but he hurt everyone around him and pushed them away. He couldn’t help it because he was broken. I try not to hurt people, but if I let them in, they can see that something is wrong with me.” Her voice rose to a scream that echoed through the chamber. “And if I let them get that close, they end up dead! Or they will leave just like my mother did!”
