Unable to breathe, I pushed him away. “I need to take a breath, sorry.”
“God, I’m sorry. I don’t know my strength sometimes. Look, I have to sing in a couple of hours. Do you want to stick around?”
“I think I’ve had enough of people today, if you don’t mind. It’s been more than I usually deal with in a day.”
“I get ya. Would you mind if I texted tomorrow? We could do something if you’re not working.”
“Yeah, that’d be nice.”
I couldn’t get out of there quick enough, and the ride home took far too long. I closed the door behind me and sank to the floor, my head in my hands.
I stayed there until my arse went numb and the cold from the tiled floor had seeped into my bones. Darkness filled the hallway, and a chill was in the air. I couldn’t stay there all night.
Slowly, I got to my feet and turned on a light; its illumination was barely sufficient. I made a drink and headed to bed. I’d had enough for the day. Often, my therapy sessions would exhaust me so much that I’d sleep away the rest of the day. I needed to do the same now. I climbed into bed, eyes barely open, and drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.
But the following day, when Killian’s text hit, I ignored it. And the next, and the next.
What had I been thinking? I didn’t need a friend. I was happy on my own.
Lies I told myself. I’d got to twenty-eight with no need for a friend. I had everything I needed.
Except, after last night, I now knew what I’d been missing. The chance to connect with someone who wanted to know me, who’dtaken time out of his day to be with me. He hadn’t run, and that was a start.
After the fifth message, I plucked up the courage and texted him back.
Harvey: Sorry, I was sleeping. Sometimes it gets me like that.
Killian: Hey, it’s fine. Don’t stress. I was worried.
Harvey: No need.
Killian: Wotcha doing today?
Harvey: No plans. Gaming probably.
I had some housework to do, but that wasn’t even on my radar today. Julie would tell me to take it easy, that a day in bed was perfectly normal under the circumstances. I’d dealt with a lot yesterday and made more progress in a few hours than I had in years.
I’d spoken to a man, and not only that, I’d also gone out with him. I’d never done that. Okay, I might have had a meltdown when I came home, but I hadn’t cut myself, and that was an enormous step in the right direction.
Killian: Sounds good. You don’t work?
Harvey: Three days a week.
The bubbles bounced, but no message came through until, eventually, they stopped.
Disappointment flooded me, and I was surprised at the emotion. What was it he wanted to say? Why did he stop? No, it was for the best. This could only lead to disaster.
But then, the bouncing dots appeared again.
Killian: I’m free tomorrow if you are. Again, no pressure. We could do lunch or something.
I rubbed my sweaty palms on my thighs. I’d never been so nervous, and what I was about to do was the most nerve-wracking thing of my entire existence.
It could end in disaster, but it could also be the step forward I needed to get myself out of this mess of a life. I didn’t want to belonely, but the fear I carried inside was almost too much to bear. Only I could release myself from the pit. Only I could take the step forward. Only I could stop the hurt.
Harvey: You could come for dinner.
My trembling hands betrayed me, and the phone fell to the floor. I held my breath, hoping it wasn’t broken, and released it.
