My heart contracts painfully. “You know it’s for the best. It’s too confusing otherwise.”
“Yeah.” He holds my gaze. “Yeah. For everyone.”
I hear what he doesn't say. That it will be too confusing for us too, acting like this is a real relationship when the expiration date is already built-in.
Before I can reply, he’s wrapping both arms around me, his chin dropping to the top of my head. “I know you're right.” A long exhale against my hair. “I'm just feeling selfish. I've only got you for a little while and I want to have you all the way. Not in pieces. Not hidden, like some dirty little secret. That’s not what this is.”
I give him a wobbly smile. “Well, mission accomplished on the ‘having me all the way’ part.”
“You know what I mean, baby. I want to put my arm around your waist when we're walking down the street. I want to hold your hand in front of people. I don't want to act like you're just the nanny when you're…” A rueful smile crosses his face, complicated and warm all at once. “When you're the queen around these parts.”
I press my face into his chest.
“So what are we doing here, Walker?” It’s easier to ask the question when I’m not looking directly at him. “Is this a summer fling? No strings attached?”
“Is that how you want to think of it?”
I don’t know. I thought those were supposed to feel light and easy and flirty. Sweet as cotton candy and just as fast to melt away.
This feels so much bigger than that. So much deeper.
But who am I kidding? I’ve never had a boyfriend. Maybe italways feels like this. Like the other person is your whole world and you can’t imagine life without them.
That’s what all the love songs are about.
And then comes the breakup album.
“I feel totally out of my depth here,” I admit. “You know I’ve never done this before. Never had something that was no-strings-attached or had a serious relationship or any of it.”
He tips my chin up with two fingers until I meet his eyes.
“Let me tell you something,” he says. “No strings attached is when you have a good time, you walk away, neither one of you loses sleep over it. I've been losing sleep over you since the first night I met you. This is all strings for me, Sadie. Hopelessly tangled up in them since day one.”
“I've been losing sleep too,” I say. “But Walker… I leave in less than two months.”
“I know. Trust me, baby, I think about that fact all the time.”
He looks pained by it. My heart hurts for him. For both of us.
I try to explain myself better.
“My whole life, the only person I could count on was me,” I admit. “When my daddy left, I learned I couldn't count on him. When Momma fell apart, I learned I couldn't count on her. Every time I've needed something the answer has been the same. Figure it out yourself, stand on your own two feet, don't need anyone because they won’t be there for you anyway.”
He's listening. Still and present, his eyes on my face.
“That job is the proof,” I say. “That I did it. That I kept my promise to myself to build something that no one else can take away from me. I can't give that up. Not even for…”
Not even for this.
He looks at me for a long moment.
Then he brings his hand up and cups my face with both palms, his thumbs moving slow along my cheekbones.
“I would never ask you to,” he says. “Not in a million years. That dream you built? You go claim it. You strut down those city streets like the fucking badass you are, and know that you accomplished everything you said you were going to do.”
He brushes a strand of hair away from my eyes. “I've been where you are. Young and hungry and wanting to prove something. I did it. It was worth doing. And I don't want to be the reason you don't get to do it too.” He holds my gaze. “Go to New York. Build your life. That vow you made to yourself, you keep it.”
“Then where does that leave us?” I whisper.
