I reached for her, taking her into my arms. “I waited too long after the video call.”
“I deleted your texts without reading them.”
“I know. Eights told me when he sent a picture of you in the saloon the morning after.”
“I thought it was pretty self-explanatory.” She tried to pull away, but I tightened my arms, making sure her cheek was against my shoulder.
“It was. I fucked up.”
“I can’t deal with fuck-ups. I’m too tired.” She picked her head up, shifting back to look me in the eye. “I’m serious. I don’t know who I am anymore. Everything’s changing, and I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
The sadness was back in her eyes, and I understood. I couldn’t blow smoke up her ass. She might have been young enough to be my kid, but she’d lived a life, and it had led her to the same mistrust I had.
“Let me bring you peace, the way you soothe my chaos.” I slowly spun her as we swayed to the music. The song was something soft, but neither of us really heard it.
“I won’t leave the club, but I’m not stuck here. You want to travel, I’ll go back on the road as a nomad. You want to stay here, we stay here, but I need you to give me enough time to show you that this isn’t all bullshit.”
“Maybe.” She laid her forehead against my sternum, wrapping her arms around my neck. “You make me want to feel,” she mumbled.
Chapter twenty-one
Doing The Historical Thing
Roxy
A week ago, I’d let a few walls crumble. I hadn’t raised my voice, but I’d made sure he heard me, loud and clear. It was a first, and though I hated confrontation, I was proud every time I replayed it in my head.
Neither of us had given in. We were both convinced we were right. When Cactus left that night, I thought he’d fade into the background. I’d been wrong, thinking I wasn’t worth the fight. It’d started again the next morning with a new text thread. Cactus never pushed beyond my limits, but I was a fool if I didn’t think he was trying hard.
I’d underestimated how much thought he’d put into this. Cactus was a smart man, and while he didn’t play emotional games, he gave me exactly what I needed. He’d order lunch from the saloon so he could visit for a few minutes. If he didn’t make it into town, he still checked in. The little things made the difference, like when he walked me to and from the motel. We’d spend the trip swapping stories about our day, like normal people. He never stayed over thirty minutes, and it worked. Our silences said more than words ever could, but when he was gone, the quiet wasn’t comforting. It was hollow.
Cactus had shown up during the re-enactors’ visit this week, waiting for his lunch. He’d seen the lunch crowd and had stood in the corner with his backagainst the wall. I hadn’t seen him walk in, too busy keeping the kids moving, but I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling someone was watching me. This time, he had winked as he walked out the door. I wasn’t invisible in a room of parents and tourists, but the person I had wanted to notice had. My smile was brighter and wider the rest of the day.
Doc wasn’t the only one who noticed. The girls had tried to get the details out of me, but all I had said was, “Everything’s good.” They’d pushed, but I’d held firm. I wouldn’t listen to their biased opinions. For two emotionally stunted people, we were crawling. It was good for now.
Lying in my bed, I stared straight up at the popcorn ceiling. There were blobs I didn’t stop to analyze too closely. It was Saturday, and while I would have preferred to be working, Lulu and I always let the high school girls get extra hours. Today, I didn’t mind. I needed a break from prying eyes continually poking where their noses shouldn’t be.
I picked up my head, searching the ledge where I kept my groceries. I hoped that if I stared at it long enough, the coffee would brew by itself. It was a dream. Microwaving a pack of instant coffee wasn’t appealing. Staying in bed and turning the TV on seemed like the best plan.
I was flipping through the channels when there was a heavy knock on my door. Cactus normally picked my lock, so if this was one of his new tactics, he’d let himself in. I ignored it.
No one needed to know I was a woman staying by myself. They could suspect, but I’d never advertised my status. I constantly saw the four men who’d been hanging out on the balcony. They’d say hello when they saw me, asking how my man was. I lied and told them he was amazing and thanked them for asking.
Another heavy knock beat on the outside of my motel door. I still ignored it, but when I heard scratching against the lock, the corners of my lips turned. Those sounds could mean only one thing. Lying on my side, I pulled the blanket up to my chin, settling in to wait.
The door popped open, and there he was, blocking out the outside light. His eyes found mine, a smirk settling on his lips. “Get dressed,” he said, standing in the doorway.
“What happened to ‘Hi, how are you?’” I shuffled deeper under the covers.
He stepped into the room, letting the door slam shut behind him. “How come you don’t have the chair underneath the handle?” Cactus pulled it out from underneath the small desk, taking a seat to prove his point.
“Baseball cap? No club cut? What’s wrong with you?” If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought he was a regular guy, out for the day. It wasn’t hard to see how handsome Cactus was for an older man. I allowed myself one quick look, and then I shut those thoughts down.
“You didn’t answer me.”
“Why would I jeopardize my safety by telling a biker?” If he wanted to break down the door, the chair wouldn’t stop him.
He raised his eyebrow at me, shifting his ass so that his legs spread open.
