In other words, I was just like his parents. They felt important and pleased with themselves too, but their “good deeds” were also destructive. The idea that I was like them made me angry—at myself.
“You’re worthy without all that. You didn’t need to put in a new gym for the Juniors.” He sighed. “This is going to come out eventually.”
“Maybe sooner rather than later. I think that Mr. Gowan is going to get fired when his divorce goes through. I also think that what I did is probably illegal but I’ve been afraid to find that out. It just blew up—no, I made it blow up into something huge. Everyone was so happy about all the improvements and I didn’t want to stop. I loved how you were impressed and now I’m embarrassed about that.” I hugged Polyphemus. “I’m screwed.”
Ronan put his hands on the wheel but he didn’t immediately drive away. “Not necessarily. Maybe we can come up with something to get you out of this.”
“We?”
“Yeah, I’ll help you. You’re the girl who texted me about taking supplements and got me that heart rate tracker. You kept making smoothies and you always showed up at the gym ready to go. You hung out and cooked with me, and we managed to eat what you made.”
“Hey!”
“No, I appreciated that. And I also appreciated that you didn’t treat the tryout like some fairy-tale bullshit. You understood that there was a real chance it wouldn’t work, but you made me believe that it would be ok either way, if I made it or I didn’t.” He paused and looked at me. “So now it’s my turn to help you and we can figure a way out of this mess. Maybe it will be you quitting or having to do something hard, like dealing withhuman resources or some Woodsmen front office VIPs. Maybe it will be the police.”
“Judas Priest.” I rubbed my eyes.
“I think the team would keep it under wraps. Would they want the bad publicity of punishing someone for making improvements? It’s not like you were stealing and they were very embarrassed when the petition came out last fall, complaining about how the Juniors got treated.” He shook his head. “We can deal with it. But you can’t ever do this kind of thing again, ever. Never. Be honest, ok?”
I nodded, miserable and too embarrassed to look back at him.
“There’s nothing that you have to prove, not to me or anybody else.”
I nodded again.
“We’ll go home,” Ronan pronounced, and now we did drive. He parked behind my car, as per our plan, and I took Polyphemus while he carried in my bag. But the minute we got inside, he dropped it. He grabbed both me and my crocodile off the ground and carried us to the couch, and he didn’t listen when I told him to be careful not to hurt himself.
“Right here,” he said as we sat together, the two of us on his lap. “This is the warm-up…hold on.” He helped me wrestle off my outerwear and then settled me again against his chest. “This is the warm-up I was talking about.”
“I’m actually warm, too.” Morgan Hurley had been right about cuddling—it was much better than wearing two coats. I put myhead on his shoulder. Was it strange for roommates to be acting this way? If so, I didn’t particularly care. I probably wouldn’t be mentioning it at lunch, though.
“Are you still worried about the Woodsmen?” he asked.
“Yes. I have been since I had Mr. Gowan sign my first purchase request for a new refrigerator for the kitchen area.” My anxiety had been like a low-level hum that had increased in volume and pitch as the months had passed, while my asks had gotten bigger and my job had gotten more precarious. I shouldn’t have done it, which I understood. “It was a mistake but the outcome was good.”
“Anything else you want to share? Any other problems I should know about, in the name of honesty?”
I knew that he was kidding—kind of kidding, although he might have been slightly wary for real. But there was one more thing, anyway.
“I appreciate you worrying about me,” I said. “Is that why you followed me?”
“I did?”
“At your barn party,” I reminded him. It was so long ago now. “When I left, you did, too.”
“I also wanted to hang out with you, but yeah, I was a little concerned. I think I sound crazy, but what happened to that girl at my college really stuck with me.”
“I’m careful but I do know that things can happen,” I said. “When I was a junior in high school, I was assaulted outside of our motel room.”
“What?”
“We were staying in a rough area, but bad things can happen anywhere. Afterwards, I struggled a lot.” That was when I got the lower grade that had prevented me from becoming the valedictorian, but at least I’d kept going to school. “My dad wasn’t sure how to deal with me so he sent me to stay with his sister for the summer, but it didn’t work out very well. It took a lot to get myself back together. He wanted me to be like a duck and let it slide right off but it turns out, I’m not very duck-like after all.”
Ronan didn’t say anything for a long time, but I could feel him breathing hard and I heard him swallow.
“I didn’t mean to dump that on you,” I said. “I felt a lot better after telling you about the fraud I’ve been perpetuating and…I don’t know. It seemed like I should say it.” If I was going to tell anyone, it would be him. He was my best friend.
“Yeah. You should tell me things like this. I want to know, but I don’t know what to do now,” he said.
