“What are you doing here?” I ask. My throat feels like it’s made of gravel, and my mouth feels like it’s filled with cotton.
“Elle thought you might want me here after what happened last night.” I replay her words in my head as I try to recall the night, but my head feels too groggy to function. “How do you feel?” she asks, interrupting my train of thought.
I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. My hair is curly and matted against my head, still slightly damp from the night before. I swing my legs out of the bed, but Cally stops me.“What?” I ask.
She eyes me carefully. “Are you feeling okay?”
I look at her and say tersely, “I’m fine.” She raises an eyebrow at me. “I just need to get moving and get my day started. I’ve been in bed too long.”
“You have nothing to do, so if you wanted to stay in bed, you could,” she counters.
Elle quietly steps out of the room. Cally turns her head at the click of the door closing behind her, and I use the distraction to get up and head to the bathroom. I grab a robe lying at the edge of the bed and put it on, the satin cool on my skin. When I get to the bathroom, my immediate thought is that I look like a fucking mess.
My eyes are swollen, and a pink mark now mars my forehead. I press a tentative finger to it, and I can’t help the sharp inhale of breath that comes with the pain.
“You were hitting your head last night, and one of the healers had to tend to it. The mark will be gone by the end of the day,” Cally says quietly behind me.
Fuck.
The bathroom door cracks open, revealing a somber Elle.
“I’m sorry if I scared you,” I say, looking at her reflection in the mirror.
She swallows hard and nods. “You did. You scared us all.”
Us all?“Who else was here? What even happened? I don’t remember much past crying on the floor.”
“You must have used a shield to keep me out. I didn’t even hear you crying,” Elle says. “When you got in the shower, I turned away to give you some privacy. I finally realized something was wrong when I didn’t hear the shower anymore. The room also felt…colder. When I looked over, you were on the floor of the shower, sobbing. It looked like you were trying to tear your skin off. I tried to get in the shower, but it was like there was an invisible wall, and I couldn’t get to you. Then you started banging your head on the floor, and I panicked. I ran to go find help. When I got back, you were still banging your head against the tiles, and your mouth was open like you were screaming, but we couldn’t hear anything with the shield.” Her words come quickly as she recalls the night.
“We?” I ask.
“Prince Marik. He was able to break the shield, thank the Mother. By the time he got here, your head was bleeding. There was blood everywhere, Mae. I immediately sent for a healer. Your magic must have turned the shower water freezing, and you were shaking by the time we got to you.”
I stare at her, mouth slightly open. I remember crying in the shower and wanting it to stop. I don’t remember hurting myself, though. I have a history of self-harm, but it’s always been manageable. It’s not something I ever talk about. The magic in my blood prevents scarring, so the damage I manage to inflict always heals quickly. Cally and Willa are the only people I’ve opened up to about it.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t…I wasn’t trying to hurt myself like that.”
Cally wipes a fallen tear from her cheek. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Wait, you said Marik came in?” She nods, and I put my head in my hands, trying to stifle the rising embarrassment of Marik seeing me naked and vulnerable. “How did he even know? How was he able to break the shield?”
Elle shakes her head. “I don’t know. I wasn’t powerful enough, but I guess he was.” She pauses but then asks, “What happened?”
It’s my turn to shake my head. “I don’t know. I mean, I do, but I don’t. This happens sometimes.”
“What does? Busting your head open?”
“No. I call them my episodes. Sometimes, I get upset, or I’m triggered by something, and it’s like this snowball effect. Something will happen, and then every little insecurity or thought attacks my brain at once, and it’s impossible to stop all the thoughts. I turn to self-harm to distract myself from them and bring me out of it. But it’s never… It’s never turned out like this.”
Shame is a constant companion after I give in to the urge to self-harm. This is a secret that I keep hidden carefully. It’s a weakness, and I don’t want anyone to think less of me for giving in to what feels uncontrollable.
“Elle, I’m so sorry if I scared you,” I say, almost pleadingly.
She shakes her head. “Don’t apologize. You did, but you don’t owe me an apology. Your magic is waking up, though, and you need to be careful the next time this happens. Your magic won’t intentionally hurt you, but if it feels like you’re under attack or if you’re in danger, it will sometimes act on its own to protect you. I think that’s what happened with that barrier. It was trying to keep external threats out to protect you while you were weak,” she says. “Hey, what happened with Asmo?”
I groan again. “How did you know about that?”
“Marik might have mentioned it.”
