‘How long were you together?’
Acknowledging the seriousness of the relationship Luis paused before replying, ‘Six years.’
They were school sweethearts. Like in the movies. After graduating from university, Luis proposed. At the proper time, Danny thought, the correct time, the perfect time, with their whole life ahead of them.
‘How did you do it? Propose, I mean? How did you propose to her?’
Luis looked upwards.
‘Does it matter?’
Danny had spent so long thinking about the process he was now curious about every engagement, even ones that caused him pain.
‘It might.’
Luis reluctantly recalled the scene.
‘It was in the summer. At night. We were on the beach beside Castillo de Santa Catalina in Cádiz. The ring belonged to my grandmother. She left it to me in her will. Along with a letter hoping I would give it to Isabella one day.’
Danny asked, ‘Did you go down on one knee?’
Luis nodded.
‘Yes, I went down on one knee.’
It was as traditional a proposal as could be imagined. Danny marvelled at the scene.
‘You put the ring on her finger, didn’t you? I fucked that part up. But you snatched the box from my hands. What could I do? Snatch it back? Now that I think about it, did you take it from me because it felt wrong?’
Luis was quiet for a time and then answered, ‘Yes, it felt wrong. In my gut. I took the box away from you, because I was trying to stop it from happening.’
Finally, Danny understood what had happened in the Highlands. He could play back the proposal, making sense of the hesitations and expressions.
Rejoining Luis at the table, Danny asked how long the engagement to Isabella lasted. Luis said it was only for one summer. Trying to guess why it might have ended, Danny wondered if this was the point at which Luis came out.
‘Danny, I never came out. Not in the way you mean. During my time with Isabella there were hook-ups with guys. Behind the sand dunes. In the public toilets. I thought to myself, I can keep this side of me out of sight. I need occasional relief. That’s all. I can’t build my life around it. Those encounters were about sex and nothing more. I never asked for names. I never told them my name. I searched for visitors and tourists who would leave town after a few days – men who would disappear. Despite my precautions it was a small town. Someone told someone who toldsomeone else. After the engagement was announced there was a party.’
In a quiet voice Danny amended the word.
‘An engagement party.’
Luis accepted the point, remembering that he had opposed one for the two of them.
‘It wasn’t planned. We didn’t rent a bar, send out invitations or spend any money. Her parents were happy for us. They opened some wine. They rang some friends, shared the news. It happened naturally.’
Danny repeated the phrase.
‘Naturally.’
Luis accepted his mistake – his words revealing the depth of his internalized self-loathing.
‘A few days later Isabella was taken aside and told not to marry me. That I was not right in the head. That I was a man who had sex with men. That our marriage would end in misery, disease and tragedy. For a week she was distant. I asked her to tell me what was wrong. She confronted me.’
Danny guessed, ‘And you denied it?’
Luis nodded. ‘Yes, I denied it. I said someone was trying to destroy me because they were jealous. I begged her to stay with me. I was on my knees, snot coming out of my nose, promising to do anything, claiming I would never even look at another man, assuring her it was a grubby part of me that I could suffocate and bury. I would be the best husband shecould possibly desire, a perfect man, I would work harder than any man on earth, I would adore her, care for her, if she married me. It was one of the lowest moments in my life. I was a condemned man pleading for a stay of execution. I knew if she broke it off I would be destroyed. Everyone would want to know why the engagement had ended when we were the perfect couple. Another woman? That would be one thing. But men? In the bathroom and on the beaches? That would be the end of me.’
Danny was amazed.
