‘I don’t know what words to use. He was married to my mother. I’m his son. He was a pillar of the community. Daniel – I burned those books. All of them. I told your mother and no one else. They were evidence of a fraud.’
Danny wondered if his father was referring to the fraud of his grandfather’s death or the fraud of his life.
‘Why didn’t he burn them?’
It was a good point and one his dad had wrestled with.
‘I wish he had. Only recently I began to wonder if he wanted me to find them as a way of explaining why he left without saying goodbye. He was living two lives. He believed there was more value in his death than in a life like that.’
Looking directly at Danny he said, ‘You remind me of him. His gestures. His physicality. The way you would go for long runs, he would cycle for many miles. And I wasscared when I saw him in you. I thought history might repeat itself and that you would grow up with that same sadness inside of you. I tried to set you on a different course. And I see now that was the exact course my father was on.’
His father offered Danny the photo album. Danny studied his grandfather’s face for traces of himself.
In town they bought flowers from the supermarket. The only half-decent bunch remaining on a Sunday afternoon was a bouquet of mauve carnations. The three of them walked to St Michael’s cemetery, not far from the centre in the grounds of a nineteenth-century church. Passing the tombstones of the fishermen and sailors who perished off the coastline’s rocks they arrived at the grave of his grandfather. Danny laid the flowers and said, ‘Hey, Granddad.’
As if they were meeting for the first time.
Chapter Twenty-FiveA Suggestion
Arriving back in London late on Sunday evening Danny found Luis reading in his chair. All the lights were off except for an antique floor lamp – discovered in an auction, formerly from a department store. The unusual bronze stand branched around the bulb in the vague approximation of a heart. If it had been deliberate, it would’ve been tacky, but the impression was an accident of the design and Danny didn’t even mention his observation to Luis for fear the sentimentality might spook him. During the long British winters Luis read under it most evenings, making it one of Danny’s most successful gifts and seeing Luis under it gave him a misjudged burst of confidence.
‘I have a suggestion,’ Danny said, before hello. Luis placed his book on his knees, taking off his reading glasses,observing Danny’s energies were elevated, as though he had bounded up the stairs, eager to share urgent news. They had been messaging throughout the weekend so Luis was aware that the visit had gone better than expected and that Danny’s parents not only wanted to attend the wedding but also wished to meet beforehand, proof of a wedding’s healing power. There was an idea that Danny had held back from discussing on the phone, wanting to say it face to face and he blurted it out before he lost courage.
‘On the train back to London I was thinking maybe you should do the same. Return to Spain. Speak to your mother and your father. Invite them to our wedding. I’m happy to travel with you. I just thought, why not? I learned so much. This is a chance to—’
Luis closed his book with a snap, cutting Danny off. He stood up, moving out of the light and into the darkness.
Belatedly, Danny realized that he should have taken a few moments to better assess his partner’s frame of mind – to ask how he was, how his weekend in London had been. Luis’s parents had always been off-limits. A third rail in their relationship. Trying to backtrack, Danny said, ‘Luis, it was just an idea. If you don’t want to go to Cádiz, that’s your decision. I respect that. If you don’t want to speak to your mother or your father, I understand. I was scared too.’
When Luis replied his voice was clipped and cool. Danny was unable to see Luis’s face.
‘Do you know who you sound like when you talk about marriage? A convert who’s found religion late in life. Not only is marriage the answer to all your problems, it’s also the answer to all my problems – it’s the answer to every problem. Tell me. What happens if we follow every convention? What do you win?’
Danny said, trying to make peace, ‘I win you.’
But Luis rejected this as glib.
‘You already have me. You have all of me.’
The pent-up frustrations from the past few months broke loose as Danny answered.
‘Do I? Because it seems like you’re on the sidelines, watching me arrange everything, as if this wedding were only for me.’
Without missing a beat, Luis said, ‘This wedding is only for you.’
The two men were silent for a time. Their most serious arguments were often the quietest. Luis hadn’t intended to talk to Danny in this way, but perhaps this was the only way, provoked unexpectedly, the honesty of a reflex response. Trying to pull his thoughts into a calmer and more coherent argument, Luis said, ‘Danny, we live together, travel together, eat together and sleep together. The truth is that we’ve done everything together except for this marriage. Which you’re doing on your own, for reasons of your own.’
Misinterpreting this as an olive branch Danny moved closer.
‘So be more involved. Luis, that’s what I want. More than anything, I want you to be a bigger part of it.’
Luis shook his head.
‘I can’t be.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s not a wedding. It’s a midlife crisis.’
