Satisfied that I am under his care, Anders and Joe also leave. Sodie closes the door to the medical suite behind everyone and faces me.
“What was all that posturing about?” I ask.
He chuckles. “What posturing?”
“Between you and Shadow.”
“I don’t trust him,” he states plainly.
I frown. “He’s your commanding officer. There has to be some level of trust?—”
“Hewasmy commanding officer. He’s no longer part of the guard.”
“Is this because of me? Because of what happened?”
He shakes his head. “No. It’s between him and me.”
I sigh. “What the hell happened between you two? I really hate secrets.”
“You don’t know? I’m surprised Emily didn’t tell you. I’m sure she knew the whole story since they were…” Sodie pauses, choking on his words.
“Since they were what? Why are you being weird?”
He emits a long breath. “Since they were close, before she passed.”
“Well, she didn’t. So, just tell me what has your panties all up in a twist,” I jest.
Meeting my direct gaze for a moment, he grabs a rolling stool in the corner of the room and squats on it slowly. “I’ll make you a deal. I tell you why I have a problem with Shadow if you tell me why you’re really doing all of this.” He waves both arms in the air, encompassing the room, the building, the show.
I offer my uninjured hand to Sodie. “Deal.”
Chapter 14
Fighting Fear
SHADOIW
Seven Years Ago
My studio apartment on the training grounds is dark, except for the light of the full moon coming into the large picture window that overlooks the grounds. I chose this particular apartment for its direct view of the moon. However, the moon’s usual serenity and calm are ineffective tonight. The cold gray stone floor against my bare feet sends a chill up my back, and gooseflesh puckers the skin on my naked chest.
With a drink in hand, I turn away from the window and pad over to the simple round table in matte black that matches the cabinets in the little kitchenette and island counter with the gray quartz countertop. Everything in this apartment is grim and dark like my mood. I place the glass on the table and sit in a nearby chair, noticing the studio’s empty and lifeless appearance. What would Jessica think? Would she appreciate the minimalistic design or see the room of a cold and heartlessbastard? She deserves someone better. Even Anders would agree.
I silently berate myself over my recent conversation with Anders. I didn’t use my magic to gain power over that weakass motherfucker. I saw an opportunity to eliminate a threat, and I took it. I took it for her. Why can’t he see that?
He’s hidden who he really is for years. Hell, all magic wielders do. I won’t just sit back and allow nonmagical wielders to threaten her life or anyone else’s, especially when I can do something about it.
The more I stew on it, the more my brain conjures different ways—better, nonmagical ways—I could have responded. I hate myself for what I am, an inhumane bastard. Maybe, just maybe, if I could understand different perspectives, empathize with others, I wouldn’t be here now, beating myself up over what-ifs.
My skin prickles with the familiar push and pull inside of myself. This rage has consumed me of late, growing stronger and stronger. I don’t know how to contain it. How do I prevent myself from becoming just like him?
Stop overthinking things. That’s how.
I rest my elbows on the table and grip my hair with both hands. “Go away! I don’t want your voice in my head.” My plea bounces off the walls of my bare apartment. I take a few steadying breaths to keep the rage at bay. I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to become him.
You’ve been ignoring me for months, and I’m sick of it. I have been your only companion for ten years, the one helping you to function in your catatonic behavioral state. If not for me, Dad would have placed you in an asylum. You wouldn’t have met Anders. I’m the one who has looked out for you your entire life. Suddenly, you want to toss me aside, pretend I don’t exist?
“I’m like this because of you!” The voice falls silent. He knows I’m right, and there is nothing he can say about it. “I refuse to be just like you.”
