“Aww, where’s the fun in that?”
I roll my eyes. “The cameras in the halls and rooms… do they capture audio, too?” I turn back to the CCTVs on the wall and find the room where I last saw Marcus and Wills. Owen and Dimitri have joined them. I scan the rest of the monitors but don’t see Shadow anywhere.
“Darwin installed cameras with microphones. I just turned down the audio so I could focus on editing.”
I nod, still studying the monitors.
“The feed from these cameras is also linked with the CCTV network in the guard office, and of course, we installed additional cameras without telling the production.”
“And everything is recorded?”
“Come on, G. Who do you think you're talking to? I may not be as good of an actor as you, but I can set up a fail-proof, hack-proof system.”
I turn to face Squirrel and smile. “I never doubt your work. I was just asking for some peace of mind. I overheard Marcus and Wills talking in the hall. It was mid-conversation, and they were interrupted.”
“Darwin’s team monitors the system. I’m sure they will report when they check in.” I study Squirrel for a moment. He’s starting to get squirmy, a sign that he wants to say something but isn’t sure he should.
“What is it?”
“I was thinking, in your interview, you seemed so unsure of yourself, shy almost. I was trying to figure out if it was an act or if it was real. I honestly haven’t seen that side of you, well, ever really. From the first time I met you, even when you pretended to be a boy, you just always seemed so confident, so much so that you intimidated the hell out of all of us when we were just recruits. It's why we started messing with you. We kind of wanted to shake you a little—find your weakness—so we knew you were just like the rest of us.”
“Like the rest of you?” I tease, but I think Squirrel took it the wrong way.
He turns his head. “Being in the guard meant everything to us. We were scared we wouldn’t be good enough to make it through the program. Then, this little shit shows up and kicks our ass in everything.”
“That’s funny because I remember feeling the opposite of confident. There were so many days when I just wished I was like the rest of you. I cried in private so many times.” Admitting how hard it was being in the guard for the first few months is difficult to admit. To them, they saw a little boy with a chip on his shoulder. To me, though, I was a little girl, scared and unsureof where she belonged in this world. I still don’t know where I belong.
He faces me as a big smile crosses his face from ear to ear. “Yeah, me too. If you tell anyone that I said so, I will deny it.”
I pinch my thumb and forefinger together and pretend to zipper my lips closed. “My lips are sealed.” Then, I cross my heart. “You know, to answer your question, it’s a little bit of both. Deep down inside, I always feel shy, awkward, and uncomfortable in my own skin. The confident side, most of the time, is an act—a mask I use on a daily basis. I wanted... I needed to let the Resistance see that vulnerable side of me, let them think that they shook me, took me down a peg.” I shrug, before adding, “Let them think they won, just a little.”
He nods in understanding. “You know we’ve always got your back, and it’s an honor to follow your lead.” When his eyes lift to my own, they shine with unsaid emotion. “We will finish this, and they will pay for everything they did. They can’t expect to take out one of our own without retribution.” A single tear trails down his cheek before he swipes it away. I look away, as if I didn’t notice.
We all remember Emily. She was one of us, a guard.
I glance at my phone for the time. Right on schedule, some of my guards, posing as production crew, walk into the room.
Before I acknowledge them, the raspy tone of my voice diverts my attention. Turning toward the monitors, I recognize this part of my interview.
Chapter 52
Private Moments
SHADOW
May 05, 2018
Six Years Ago
Ilinger in the shadows in the far corner of Jessica’s dorm room. She sits at her desk in one of my white button-down shirts. I can see that she’s not wearing her bindings underneath. The clacking sound of the keyboard stops for a brief moment before she continues to type.
Leaning against the wall, I fold my arms as I continue to observe her. Call me a creep, or a hormonal teenage stalker, like Emily does, but I like watching her from within the shadows. I love seeing the many different emotions that flit across her beautiful face—the way she smiles to herself when she’s satisfied with a new composition she wrote or the determination and stubborn lines that form when she attempts to master a new weapon. My favorite thing about lurking in the shadows is catching her by surprise, so I can steal a kiss or two.
Since that night after we, Toby and I, shared our secret, and she accepted us for what we are. I realized how fast we movedand how overwhelming it probably felt to her. We, Jessica included, agreed to start our renewed relationship slowly.
I focused on building our friendship and limited our physical contact to stolen kisses. Our bond has grown over the past several months. I smile at the memories we made together, how much we have both grown together.
Every day, I find myself falling more in love with her, and I can’t imagine continuing on this path of life, wherever it may lead, without her. She’s my future, and I can’t wait to see our relationship blossom when we no longer need to keep it a secret.
