“Sorry, she’s excited,” Ezra said as Raum got inside after putting his own bag in the back. “She won’t bother anything.”
“I’m not worried,” Raum said with a soft smile, getting his seatbelt on and waiting for Ezra to do the same.
The drive to the hospital and the Threshold building took only a few minutes, done in companionable silence broken by Lilith commencing with shenanigans in the rear of the SUV.
Raum endured it in good humor, saying nothing when Lilith finally returned to the front of the vehicle, hopping onto the center console and then into Ezra’s lap, purring loudly.
He felt marginally better by the time he got out of the car after they parked at the Threshold building. He was still feeling overstimulated and emotionally overwhelmed, and he wanted some quiet time alone just to settle his teeming mind and heart.
Raum got out of the car instead of letting Ezra wander off to his room alone, but he didn’t mind at all. He carried Lilith while Raum carried Lilith’s bag as if he did so every day, not complaining a bit.
Ezra blanked out on the walk, coming to the door to his borrowed room by rote. He stared at the door for a second, thenabsently passed Lilith to Raum so he could dig out his key and unlock the door, opening it wide.
Raum let Lilith down and she pranced into the room, heading for the litter box in the bathroom. Ezra took his bag from Raum with a murmured thanks.
He leaned on the doorframe and tried to smile, but he was too tired and far too done with the day, though he was reluctant to leave Raum. A part of him wanted to invite Raum inside, but there was only one bed and no chairs, and he was in no mood or headspace for sex.
“It’s okay,” Raum said, and Ezra made eye contact for a second before dropping his gaze. Raum held out a hand and gently, with so much patience, took Ezra’s free hand in his and squeezed, lightly but enough that Ezra felt the strength in that hand.
Ezra returned the grip and held on, needing the connection, and thankful that Raum knew to offer it without Ezra fumbling to ask.
“Are you coming back to the library tomorrow?” Raum asked after a few peaceful minutes of silence.
“I don’t know,” Ezra replied, before remembering that his time was also his own and that more research was never a bad thing. “I will be,” he said more decisively. “I want to go through Simmons’ research material. He knew the skull was there. I want to know how he knew.”
“Can I come get you?” Raum asked. “I have a class tomorrow afternoon but my entire morning is free.”
“I…sure, yes please,” Ezra stammered out, tongue-tied and feeling a bit of eagerness cut through the lessening overwhelm.
Raum squeezed his hand one more time and slowly let go with a soft smile. “Nine okay?”
Ezra nodded. “Nine is fine. Thank you.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow then. Rest well, Ezra,” Raum said and he walked down the hall, looking back over his shoulder once before he was out of sight.
Ezra sighed, long and loud. “I’m in trouble.”
Lilithmreowedfrom the room, agreeing.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
EZRA
Ezra woke up an hour before he usually did, and he was regretting all his life choices, but he was too keyed up to go back to sleep.
He sat on the bed cross-legged and tried relaxing his mind, doing breathing exercises his psychiatrist taught him to help keep him from getting too wound up and then crashing afterwards.
Lilith lay on the bed in front of him, stretched out, her two front paws braced on his left knee and her tailthwappinginto his right knee, making it clear she wanted more petting if they were going to be awake at such a god-awful hour.
He breathed in for four seconds, pet Lilith in a long stroke down her side, held his breath for four seconds, and then breathed out for four. He did this several times, much to Lilith’s approval, but it wasn’t doing much for his anxiety and heart rate.
“I think today is a medication day, Lilith,” Ezra told his familiar, and he checked the time on his phone before crawling out of bed and heading for his bags. It was a bit early, but he would manage okay once he got the meds on board. He took his ADHD meds, and the ones for depression and anxiety, and a magical booster pill from a certified medical apothecary thathelped to increase the immediate effect and longevity of the medications he took. He really should take the depression pills every day, but he forgot a lot of the time. It was something he was working on.
The anxiety meds merely helped control his heart rate, and he went through some more box breathing, beats of four over and over until the meds kicked in and helped to slow his heart and ease his rising anxiety.
He wasn’t afraid of seeing Raum, or doing his job—but anxiety wasn’t rational, and trying to explain the ins and outs of his mental landscape was exhausting even to himself some days. His anxiety tended to kick in on days and moments when there was nothing actively stressful going on—as if his mind was so used to running on high that it needed to manufacture anxiety to get back to its usual operating level. And when things were externally stressful—like dealing with a curse about to blow up in his face—he was typically as cool as could be, and able to focus and work. Danger helped to focus his mind as well as his meds some days.
His brain never made much sense, even to himself.
