I turned to my son, raising an eyebrow at him. ‘Ollie?’
Turning around, he rolled his eyes, then launched your beloved Eeyore at you.
I gazed at my son. ‘Say sorry, Ollie.’
‘Sor-ry.’ He dragged it out, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
‘Good boy. Now say thank you to your brother,’ I said to you.
‘No.’ Holding Eeyore tightly, you shook your head. ‘He shouldn’t have taken him. I’m not going to say thank you.’
A sigh came from me. Your six-year-old reasoning had its own kind of logic that I couldn’t help but agree with. ‘You were good to give him back. But your sister has a point,’ I said to Ollie, before changing the subject. ‘Right… Why don’t we all get dressed and I’ll make pancakes?’
Remember how on Saturdays, your dad liked a lie-in? Pancakes were a sure-fire way to get you and Ollie downstairs quickly, to make sure Ryan didn’t get woken up. I went downstairs ahead of you – I could shower later. In the kitchen, I put the kettle on and started mixing batter, almost done by the time you intercepted me.
Dressed head to toe in the shades of pink you loved, you were still clutching Eeyore as you looked at the batter I was making, crestfallen. ‘I wanted to help you, Mummy.’
‘You can.’ I pulled up a chair. ‘Come over here. You can give it a stir. Then we’ll pour it into the pan together.’ I glanced at Ollie. ‘Sweetie? Could you get some plates out?’
You climbed up onto the chair beside me and grabbed the whisk. I held my hand over yours, but you pushed it away.
‘I want to do it,’ you said stubbornly.
Reluctantly, I let you. Then the whisk slipped out of your hand and the bowl tipped sideways.
‘Oh, Lexie,’ I said crossly. ‘Look what you’ve done.’
‘I didn’t mean to.’ A tear rolled down your face. ‘Oh, Mummy… Look at Eeyore.’
On the table, Eeyore was sitting in a pool of spilled pancake batter. Picking him up, I cleaned up his threadbare fur and handed him back to you, before clearing up the table and starting again.
‘Are you cross?’ you said in a small voice.
I stopped for a moment. I was irritated, yes. It seemed that I was forever cleaning up and tidying this house; that I rarely had a minute to myself. Then I imagined you grown up and gone, always having regrets because I didn’t appreciate what mattered most, which was simply the time we had together. If batter got spilled or a can of drink tipped over, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t important. ‘I’m not cross.’ My voice was suddenly husky. ‘These things happen, Lex.’ I paused. ‘It’s only batter. We can easily make some more. Shall we do it together?’
Between the three of us we made the pancakes, then sprinkled them with sugar and a few drops of freshly squeezed lemon juice, the tartness of which made you screw up your faces before you devoured them with gusto, then wandered off to watch children’s TV.
It was a couple of hours later by the time Ryan made it downstairs. Looking at him, I tried to conjure an image of the man I married; this morning, he looked bleary-eyed and careworn, so much older.
‘Breakfast?’ I asked.
‘Just coffee,’ he said.
Hearing your dad’s voice, you came running in. ‘I’ll make it, Daddy,’ you said excitedly. ‘Would you like toast? I can do it on my own. If you like, I can put jam on it.’
Seeing Ryan’s look of irritation, I tried to distract you. ‘Lexie? I don’t think Daddy’s hungry. Why don’t you finish watching that programme with Ollie?’
You pursed your lips. ‘I don’t want to.’
‘Do as your mother says,’ Ryan snapped.
I watched the colour drain from your face, as I had so many times before. You knew too well how this went. You were silent, your head down as you crept out of the kitchen.
I waited until you were out of earshot before turning to Ryan. ‘There was no need for that,’ I said quietly. ‘Lexie loves you. She wants to spend time with you.’ I was thinking of the day we’d spent at the animal farm. About my hopes that there was a chance things would change.
A look of guilt crossed his face. ‘Please, Edie. I don’t have the energy.’
‘You don’t have to do much.’ I tried to suppress my frustration. ‘She’d be happy if you sat down and read a book together. Or if you took them to the playground.’
