‘Every minute of every day.’ I’m silent for a moment, aware I’ve told him hardly anything about you. ‘I’ll never stop thinking she should still be here – that’s the worst part.’
‘I can only imagine,’ he says gently.
‘She used to come with me,’ I say. ‘When I first started growing flowers here. Anyway.’ My emotions too close to the surface, I change the subject. ‘How are things with you? At home?’
His face darkens momentarily. ‘Not great,’ he says. ‘I used to think Tara was my soulmate. It just goes to show how wrong I was – and that in itself takes some getting your head around. I mean, thinking you know someone, then finding out you really don’t.’
‘Yes,’ I say quietly. ‘How long was she having an affair?’
‘Two years – at least that’s what she’s told me.’ His voice is flat.
‘That’s a long time.’ I frown at him. ‘You had no idea?’
‘I was never there – I was always working – into the evenings, and some weekends,’ he says. ‘She had all that time to herself. In a sense, I blame myself. I should have made more time for us.’
‘Did she tell you she was unhappy?’ I ask.
‘No. It came out of the blue. But communication wasn’t one of our strong points.’ Joe shakes his head.
‘And now, you must find it difficult to believe anything she says.’ I look at him. ‘I do understand that. It was like that with Ryan – not because he was unfaithful. But alcohol made him completely unreliable. He’d make promises, then break them.’ I pause, thinking of the dog I wanted to get that he agreed to then changed his mind. ‘You end up feeling so alone, don’t you?’
‘Alone – and just a little inadequate.’ There’s the faintest glimmer of a smile on Joe’s face.
‘Not our doing,’ I say firmly. ‘It’s all down to them – I learned that the hard way.’ Then, ‘What does your daughter know about what’s been going on?’
‘Too much,’ he says wryly. ‘Isla knows all my shortcomings – Tara’s philosophy is to get everything out in the open.’
‘When it suits her, presumably.’ I watch Joe’s face.
‘Exactly. I’m slightly more – private, shall we say. Tara’s theory is that it’s better for her to know – it will be less of a shock to Isla if we break up further down the line.’
I frown at him. ‘So she’s on the fence?’ I pause. ‘Excuse me saying this, but isn’t that crap?’
‘Yes.’ He laughs, a hollow sound. ‘I like your honesty, Edie.’
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I didn’t mean to be blunt.’
‘You were honest,’ he says. ‘And honesty has been somewhat missing in my life.’ He sighs. ‘We make things so complicated for ourselves sometimes.’
‘Life can be messy,’ I say. ‘Do you think you and Tara have a future together?’
He frowns slightly. ‘If you’d asked me a couple of months ago, I would have said yes, without hesitation. I was determined, through sheer force of will, that we would come through this. But now… I’m not so sure.’
‘That you will, or if you want to?’ I ask.
‘If I want us to.’ His eyes are honest as he looks at me. ‘I don’t want to be Tara’s second best. And if she can do this to me, she isn’t the woman I thought she was. The last few months, I’ve done a lot of thinking – none of it easy. I came to the conclusion that maybe our relationship has run its course. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to think I’m going to be OK with that.’
‘Cheers to that.’ Raising my glass, I chink it against his.
‘How about you?’ he asks. ‘Do you have much to do with your ex?’
‘Not so much these days,’ I say. ‘Inappropriate though it is, I know how guilty I’d feel if something happened to him.’
Joe looks astonished. ‘Why?’
‘I know how hopeless he is at looking after himself.’ I pause. ‘I’d actually reached the point where I stopped going around there. But then he called me and told me he’s having tests. It seems there’s something wrong with his liver – after a lifetime of drinking, not surprisingly.’
‘Doesn’t he have anyone else?’ Joe asks. ‘Like your son, for instance?’
