‘If you’re going to have a go at me, I’m not in the mood,’ he says.
‘That isn’t why I’m here.’ I pause in the doorway. ‘I was hoping you might have a moment to talk.’
I follow him into the sitting room. The flat has large rooms and sash windows, and could be a lovely space for someone who cared enough. But for Ryan, its sole function is to provide a roof over his head.
‘I’d offer you a drink, but there’s no point.’ He sits down. ‘Please.’ He gestures towards the sofa.
‘Ryan…’ Suddenly my mouth is dry. I have no reason to be nervous; the house is no longer Ryan’s. But over the years, I have learned to expect anything from Ryan. I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve put the house on the market.’
‘That’s up to you.’ But a look of surprise flickers in his eyes.
‘I thought you should know, in case there’s anything you want…’ I tail it off, then add, ‘I also want to tell you I’m not going to be coming around here any more.’
He stiffens. ‘I’ve never asked you to.’
‘No. I suppose I’ve wanted to make sure you’re OK.’
‘Appease your guilt, you mean?’ he says cynically. ‘It’s not like I haven’t tried to make things up to you. And I’ve proved I can be sober – when I want to.’
‘When you want to? It wasn’t enough, Ryan.’ I can’t believe he thinks that after everything that’s happened, there’s still a chance for us. But I’m done arguing. ‘Nothing changes. Not really.’ I glance around the room. ‘I realised some time ago, I’m not responsible for your life.’ I watch his face, have no idea what’s going through his head. ‘I’ve already moved out of the house. There are some things of yours in the garage – a couple of boxes. Let me know if you want anything else.’ When he doesn’t speak, I get up. ‘That’s all I came to say.’
He doesn’t ask me where I’ve moved to. He just frowns. ‘That’s it?’
‘Yes.’ I pause. ‘You don’t need me, Ryan. We’re a habit – that’s all. I think it’s time you and I both made some new ones.’
I leave him sitting there, a stunned look on his face. Letting myself out, I close the door, suddenly realising how ludicrous this is. I cut ties with Ryan after the last time he attacked me. Losing you was the only reason I started coming back here.
I’m not sure if it’s contrived that by the time I get back to Mary’s, she’s already gone to bed. I go into the kitchen to find Joe sitting at the table with an album of old photos.
‘Hi,’ I say quietly. ‘I don’t want to interrupt. But if you need to go home, I’m here now.’
He glances at the clock. ‘To be honest, I think I might stay. Gran said you’re in the east wing – she’s always called it that. I’ve always teased her about it! Anyway, just to reassure you, my old room is in the “west” wing – not that I use it much these days.’
I look at him, surprised that he thinks it might bother me. ‘Have you ever thought about moving back here?’
‘Yes. And no. Obviously, there’s my work.’ He’s silent for a moment. Then he sighs. ‘It’s complicated. Isn’t it always?’ He pauses. ‘Can I pour you a glass of wine?’
Over a glass of red, he tells me about his wife’s affair. ‘She says she’s not seeing him any more. We’re trying to move forward – together. We have a grown-up daughter – Isla.’ He shakes his head. ‘The trouble is, when it comes to betrayal, I have a major block. I don’t think I’ll ever trust her again.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say quietly. ‘Isn’t easy, is it? When someone lets you down?’
‘Did it happen to you, too?’ he asks.
‘Ryan wasn’t unfaithful.’ I pause. ‘He’s an alcoholic.’ To my horror, tears prick my eyes. ‘It’s where I’ve just been – to see him. We haven’t lived together for a long time. I moved out with our kids about ten years ago.’
‘I have no idea what that must have been like,’ he says kindly. ‘Just that you must have been desperate if it came to leaving him.’
‘I should have done it sooner.’ There’s a lump in my throat. ‘He did a lot of damage.’
‘And you still feel responsible for him?’ Joe asks.
‘I did… Crazy, isn’t it?’ I force a smile. ‘But not any more. I’ve told him I won’t be going around there again.’ I shake my head. ‘He put the kids through so much. Ollie won’t have anything to do with him.’
‘Maybe it was a healthy decision. Ollie’s a really great guy,’ Joe says. ‘You must be proud of him.’
‘I am. So proud.’ For a moment, it’s as though my heart will burst. ‘He and Jenna, his partner, have just had a baby. Harrie. She’s gorgeous.’
‘Grandma told me.’ He smiles. ‘Between you and me, she’s besotted.’
