Later in the afternoon, the three of us survey the old stable building. Looking at it closely, we see it’s in good condition. It just needs clearing out and cleaning.
‘What do you think, dear?’ Mary says.
‘You’re suggesting we move Petals here?’ Lucy says.
‘I hadn’t realised how untidy it is,’ Mary says doubtfully. ‘Maybe it isn’t such a good idea.’
But as Lucy glances at me, I see the excitement in her eyes. ‘How much would you like for it?’ she asks.
Mary mentions a sum that’s less than half what we currently pay for our workshop. ‘But I wouldn’t ask you to pay anything for the first month – it’s going to take some clearing up before you can use it. And of course, you can have free access to what’s growing in the garden.’
There’s no question of turning it down. It’s far too good an offer for us to refuse. As we walk back to the house, Lucy’s excitement is palpable. ‘It’s perfect, Mary. It really is. You are sure about this, aren’t you?’
‘I am, dear. It’s awfully selfish of me, really,’ Mary says. ‘It means you’re both going to be here most of the time.’
‘Oh, I think we can cope with that.’ Lucy still looks slightly stunned. ‘We have to give a month’s notice on where we currently are,’ she says. ‘I think we should go ahead and do that. Elisa’s wedding is in three weeks. The timing should work perfectly.’
‘Elisa?’ Mary asks.
‘Our reality TV star bride,’ Lucy says. ‘Dreadful TV show, but she’s lovely. Really into ethical flowers and food.’
‘How nice, dear.’ Mary looks slightly confused. ‘Well, you two just let me know when you want to make a start and I’ll ask Joe to come and help,’ she says.
‘I’m sure Ollie will lend a hand, too,’ I say. ‘Are you sure this isn’t too much, Mary? When we’re busy, it gets a bit crazy.’ I have a sudden thought. ‘We’re going to need somewhere to meet brides.’
‘We’re not exactly short of space, are we?’ Mary glances towards the house.
And just like that, as Elisa’s wedding draws closer, I find myself about to turn the page on a brand-new chapter. But that’s how life goes. We close doors and open new ones. Different people come into our lives. Pain doesn’t pass, though; the most heartfelt kind stays, bound infinitely into the deepest part of us.
I will forever miss you in the here and now, Lexie. But more and more, I feel you around me. Still asking your questions, your desire for a kinder world enduring. My letters to you are healing; the more I think of you, the more I understand. And you’re changing me, too. I feel it in my bones, though in what direction, I’m not sure yet.
19
BEFORE
Dear Lexie,
It was the best time, wasn’t it, the three of us sharing the house we moved to? It was the kind of life I’d always wanted for you, a safe place for you to come home to. We’d been through enough to know there would always be ups and downs. But I don’t think any of us were prepared for Ryan to turn up.
We were eighteen months into our new lives. The three of us settled. Having just come back from Mary’s walled garden, I’d just got out of the shower and was pulling on clothes when I heard you call out.
‘Mum? Dad’s just turned up.’
And in that grain-of-sand second, my sense of peace was shattered.
I heard your footsteps on the stairs, before you pushed my door open. ‘Don’t let him in, Mum.’
I registered the anger on your face. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t.’ My voice was grim.
As I opened the door, I’d prepared myself for one of Ryan’s outbursts. But the Ryan who was standing there was clean shaven, his hair freshly washed. His skin was clear, his shirt ironed. My overriding thought: he’s sober.
‘Why are you here?’ I asked.
‘I know you don’t want to see me, Edie. And I don’t blame you. I was just hoping we could talk.’
Stepping outside, I closed the door behind me. ‘Do you have any idea how much we’ve been through?’ I said, quietly furious that he’d dared to come here. ‘We’ve moved on. The kids are in a good place. There’s nothing to talk about.’
He was silent. ‘And that’s it? Even though we’re still married?’
