‘Thank you. I planted them myself – it must have been over fifty years ago.’ She smiled, almost secretively. ‘Shall I take you to see the garden?’
As she led us across the lawn, I took in the mature trees and sprawling shrubs, starting to get a sense of how the gardens must have looked once. Reaching a door in a wall, she pushed it open. I stepped inside and looked around, completely awestruck.
‘This is stunning.’ I couldn’t stop staring. The gravel paths needed weeding, as did the borders, but it had clearly been a well-stocked, much-loved garden at some point. I glanced at my friend. ‘It’s perfect, Luce.’
‘You don’t think it will be too much work?’ Mary said doubtfully.
‘Edie loves gardening,’ Lucy said. ‘Don’t you?’
I turned to Mary. ‘I love this garden. If you’re sure about this, I think it’s perfect for us.’
It was perfect for Mary, too. It clearly saddened her to see the garden neglected and she was happy to hand over its care. ‘I don’t want any money,’ she said. ‘It’s upset me to see this go to rack and ruin. But I do love flowers. Just bring me some, when you have any spare.’
Life was about to get a whole lot busier, because it was a no-brainer as far as I was concerned. The walled garden needed a huge amount of work, but as we’d already seen, there were treasures to unearth, plants to bring back to life. With the lull in weddings that autumn typically brought with it, I started work on the weekends I was there, you and Ollie sometimes coming to help, drawn by the allure of Mary’s homemade cakes.
If there was a cloud on the horizon, it was only now and then, when I’d catch myself watching you. Something seemed different in you that I couldn’t put my finger on.
It was around this time, the autumn of your sixteenth year, when you started spending more time at the animal shelter. ‘There aren’t enough staff to care for the animals, Mum. They need me.’ You felt responsible.
‘I understand, but you have your exams to think about, Lex. A few months, and they’ll be behind you.’
But you were already steering your own course. You’d discovered a bus that ran from close to school to half a mile from the animal shelter. And that’s where you were to be found, most evenings, caring for a sick pony or dog, cleaning out the stables there were never enough of. One evening I went to pick you up, you were nowhere to be seen. I found you eventually, curled up asleep in a haybarn, next to a poorly calf that had cuddled against you.
‘Lex?’ I gently woke you.
You opened your eyes with a start, blinking at me as you realised where you were. ‘Mum?’
‘Don’t you think it’s time to go home?’ I said quietly.
You turned to the calf. ‘I can’t leave him,’ you said. ‘He’s really sick.’
‘You can’t stay, Lexie,’ I said. ‘It’s getting late – and you’re exhausted.’ I took off my jacket and spread it over the calf; when it didn’t move, wondered how long it had left in this world.
You lingered, then so gently stroked its head with your fingers before leaning down and kissed it. There was such tenderness in your touch, such love. But I think you knew, too, that even if you had stayed, there wasn’t anything more you could do.
As we drove home, you were preoccupied, I assumed about the calf. When we went inside, I saw how cold you still were. ‘Why don’t you run a bath?’ I suggested. ‘I’ll put supper on.’
An hour later, the three of us were sitting at the kitchen table.
‘I’ve been thinking about uni courses today,’ Ollie said. ‘I’ve been reading online about Environmental Science degrees.’ He went on explaining the diversity of subjects it encompassed.
You turned to look at Ollie. ‘That’s really cool, Oll.’
‘I think so.’ Ollie looked at me, slightly anxiously. ‘I think I might apply, Mum.’
‘It sounds like a brilliant course.’ I smiled at him. It’s what I wanted for him, even though I knew how much I’d miss him.
When you were quiet, I wondered if you were thinking about the calf. After going to bed, I lay awake that night. Of course I wanted you both to go off and live your lives – at some point. The trouble was, that time was arriving fast and a small, selfish part of me wasn’t ready.
I tried to imagine how life would be when Ollie moved out, then you. Something told me you wouldn’t be far behind him. Slowly this new reality became absorbed into my everyday, one that was already expanding to encompass trips to check out uni courses for Ollie, evening runs to the animal shelter to collect you.
Of course I was proud of you both. Of your drive, your dedication to hard work. But I worried about you, Lexie. It was as though you were changing before my eyes. In the end, I put it down to you growing older. You weren’t a little girl any more. And you were already going after what was important in your life.
18
NOW
Dear Lexie,
