‘No.’ She brings over a couple of mugs and sits down. ‘All I think about is babies at the moment. Please tell me. How are you?’
‘Well…’ I tell her about my plans and what triggered the idea. ‘I hadn’t thought about it until recently, but moving now seems to make sense.’
‘It’s a great idea. You won’t get any argument from Ollie,’ Jenna says. ‘He always says the house reminds him of Ryan.’
‘He does?’ I look at her. ‘I suppose it isn’t surprising.’ How could it not?
‘It reminds him of Lexie, too, of course,’ she says quietly. ‘Can I ask you something? Only… does he talk to you about her?’
‘No.’ Her question takes me by surprise. ‘What makes you ask?’
‘Now and then, we talk about her. I think he feels guilty.’
‘Ollie does?’ I say incredulously. ‘He has no reason to.’
‘He feels he should have been able to do something,’ Jenna says. ‘He knew Lexie had a drinking problem and…’
I interrupt her. ‘There was an incident – just the one. But Lexie didn’t drink – not in a way that was a problem.’
Jenna looks taken aback. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say anything controversial. I thought you knew about it.’
‘There’s been some misunderstanding here,’ I say quickly. ‘Lexie liked a drink. But she didn’t have a problem,’ I say again. ‘If Ollie thought she did, he was mistaken.’
Jenna’s eyes widen. ‘I’m sure you’re right,’ she says cautiously. Then she glances towards the window. ‘I think I can hear the car.’ She gets up and goes to the back door. ‘I’ll just go and see if Ollie needs some help with Harrie.’
Going outside, she leaves me alone, going over what she said, still confused. I’ve no idea why Ollie told her you had a problem, when you didn’t, did you, Lexie?
The door opens again and they come back in, Jenna cradling a sleeping Harrie. ‘I’m going to put her to bed,’ she whispers.
‘I’d better go,’ I say quietly. ‘Thank you for the tea.’ I can talk to Ollie about the house another time.
Ollie walks with me out to my car. ‘Sorry about that,’ he says. ‘It’s surprising how someone so small can entirely take over your life.’
‘We can talk another time.’ I kiss him on the cheek. ‘I came over to tell you I’m putting the house on the market. There are lots of reasons, but it feels like the right thing to do.’
‘I’m sure it is,’ Ollie says. ‘A fresh start will be good, Mum.’
‘I think so too.’ I look at him for a moment. ‘You won’t miss it, will you?’
He shakes his head. ‘The place always reminds me of how Dad was.’
‘I wish you’d told me before,’ I say gently. ‘I thought once he’d moved out and I’d done it up, it would be different.’
‘It isn’t just Dad.’ Ollie hesitates. ‘I suppose it’s Lexie, too. Sometimes it’s like she’s going to come downstairs, or walk in sounding off about something…’ As he hunches his shoulders, it’s like he’s a teenager again as he stands there.
I look at him, wondering whether to bring up what Jenna just said about you.
But Ollie’s distracted. ‘I should go and check Harrie’s OK,’ Ollie says. ‘Night, Mum.’
‘Night, Olls.’ Getting into my car, I glance in the rear-view mirror at him standing there watching as I drive away.
Did I miss something, Lexie? Something I didn’t want to see? Or maybe we’re all slightly blind when it suits us; when the truth is too painful. When it’s easier to tell ourselves a different story. I did so much of that when you and Ollie were young. Told you so many stories, skated around a truth I didn’t want to admit.
If Dad’s sick, why doesn’t he see a doctor? I remember you asking. Then, What kind of person doesn’t want to get well?
You thought it was a waste of a life not to want to help yourself. I tried to explain that in Ryan’s mind, there wasn’t anything wrong. That even if he managed to admit it to himself, he’d feel weak if he went to talk to anyone about it. Whichever way you sliced it and diced it, it was just too hard for him.
You summed it up:
