‘Would you say you’re forgiving of Ryan because your own father was so much worse?’
‘Probably.’ I blinked away the tears that filled my eyes. ‘My baseline was pretty low, wasn’t it?’
‘It isn’t surprising, given what you grew up with,’ she said.
I wiped my eyes. ‘I’ve spoken to my children,’ I told Caitlin. ‘I wanted them to know that I’m aware of the impact of Ryan’s drinking.’
‘How did they react?’ she asked.
‘Angrily,’ I confessed. ‘They told me I don’t know how it is for them. I don’t, do I? None of us really knows how someone else feels. As they see it, either Ryan has to move out, or the three of us do. It’s the only way anything’s going to change.’
Caitlin’s eyes widened ever so slightly. ‘How did you feel when they said that?’
‘I said we had to think about their father. But it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. In their eyes, he doesn’t think about them.’ I shrugged. ‘I suppose the fact is he’s destroyed his relationship with them. He makes no effort – he’s never apologised. It’s all down to him.’
‘I completely see their point,’ Caitlin said. ‘They see their father’s abuse for what it is. The question is, where does that leave you?’
‘Well, I kind of have a plan,’ I said tentatively.
As the first days of 2014 stole in, rightly or wrongly – unbelievable though it seemed, in the turmoil of my mind, I still couldn’t decide which – I started to look for somewhere for the three of us to move to.
The first morning of the new term, I was awake as the sun rose. I showered quickly and dressed, waiting for you and Ollie to run out to catch the school bus, then leaving for work before Ryan woke up.
It was a cold, damp morning, a stiff breeze stinging my skin. The streets were coming to life, the shop windows already stripped of their Christmas finery, the roads still quiet so that I arrived at our workshop a good hour earlier than I normally would have.
Normal… I was starting to doubt the existence of such a thing; any sense of it seemed to have been obliterated from my world. Going inside, I closed the door behind me, switching on the light at the back and sitting down at one of the tables. Opening my laptop, I started scrolling through, looking for information about the divorce process, before searching for local lawyers.
By the time Lucy came in, I’d made a short list of three and emailed them.
‘You look busy,’ she said as she breezed in. ‘It’s freezing out there.’
‘Luce?’ I looked at my friend. ‘I’ve made a decision.’ I paused. ‘I’m leaving Ryan.’
She breathed out slowly. ‘Thank God.’
As I made us tea, my mobile buzzed with a call from one of the divorce lawyers I’d emailed. They’d had a cancellation and could fit me in later that afternoon.
So it was that after work, I found myself sitting in a small reception area at the solicitor’s office. Suzanne, my lawyer, was professional and to the point. My heart was heavy as she outlined the process. I’d never wanted my marriage to come to this. But I was realising as the meeting went on, it should have happened years ago.
When I got home, Ryan blanked me. Too emotionally drained to coax words out of him, I went upstairs. I could hear the TV on in Ollie’s room, while music filtered from yours. Ryan and I would have to talk, to decide what to do about the house. But tonight wasn’t the time.
I heated beans on toast for you and me and Ollie, made idle talk about our days. When Ryan couldn’t bring himself to speak to me, I was no longer going out of my way for him.
The rest of the evening passed in silence and with an early start the next day, I went to bed early. I half expected Ryan to come stumbling in, demanding that we talk. But much to my relief, he didn’t.
‘How did it go?’ Lucy asked the following morning.
‘Sad. But good.’ My heart was heavy at the thought of what lay ahead. ‘I’m doing the right thing.’
‘I won’t argue with that,’ Lucy said. ‘An enquiry came in last night. It’s for a fab wedding – next summer. A rustic wedding by a lake. They want us to meet them there.’
‘Sounds just our thing.’ But my enthusiasm was half-hearted.
‘It really is,’ Lucy said. ‘Don’t worry, Edes. I’ll do the meeting. You’ve got enough on your mind.’
It was true. My mind was filled to overflowing. And it was about to get much worse when I got home and Ryan was back early, waiting for me.
‘What’s this?’ he said curtly.
