BEFORE
Dear Lexie,
Ollie was right. I’ve been in denial; you’re not with us any more. But there are times I hear your voice; that a tiny feather flutters onto my path or I hear a piece of music you loved. As if, in some way, there’s still a connection between us.
And I know you’ve gone from this life. It’s just that it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to come to terms with that. But the new year is around the corner. Time, perhaps, to start to take the smallest step forward. To allow myself to feel my grief for you. To find a place for it in my life.
I’ve always loved the freshness of a new year. That feeling of new beginnings and having a blank canvas; drawing up a list of what you wanted the year to bring. The year you’d just turned eleven and Ollie was thirteen, we were still living with Ryan, and Lucy and I were hatching a plan to start our business together.
I’d had a series of part-time jobs over the years that so far I’d fitted around looking after Ollie and you; was reluctant to take on anything that meant I wouldn’t be there for you. But as she outlined her idea, I realised it really could work.
‘You’re thinking mostly weddings?’ I asked. ‘Do you really think we’re good enough?’
‘I know we are. I’ve booked on a course.’ Lucy’s eyes were shining. ‘And you already know the basics.’
Thanks to one of my part-time jobs, I’d learned the nuts and bolts of wiring flowers, conditioning, bouquet-making. ‘Go on,’ I said cautiously.
‘Well, there are other flower shops that sell day-to-day flowers – I was thinking if we had more of a workshop-type of place, our overheads would be lower. We could be flexible about when we worked. We could have a TV and music in there so that we can bring the kids in!’
In one sentence, she’d covered all my possible objections. But I was still trying to be practical. ‘We’d need a lot of bookings to pay for premises,’ I said. ‘Do you think there’s the demand?’
Lucy rolled her eyes. ‘Do you have any idea exactly how many wedding venues there are around here? I’m talking upmarket places – country house hotels, private estates, castles even… So, the bit I haven’t told you about is using our place to start with – we can use the summer house. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s big enough for a table for us to work at – and it never gets too hot in summer… But it means there’s no risk.’ She hesitated, looking at me. ‘What do you think?’
We even decided on a name: Petals. As far as I was concerned, Lucy and I had to do this. I knew as well that you and Ollie would be happy with the idea. You’d always loved coming over to Lucy’s with me. Ryan, however, hated it.
‘Why don’t you apply for a regular job? You must be mad if you think you can make money out of flowers,’ he said disparagingly. ‘It’s a waste of time to even try.’
‘The thing is’ – I sat down opposite him, trying not to show my frustration – ‘I won’t know, will I? Unless we try?’ I tried another tack. ‘It’s something Lucy and I love – and we’re good at it. The great thing is I won’t be working every day – and when I am, Ollie and Lexie can come with me.’
‘I suppose that’s about the only advantage,’ he said ungraciously.
Refusing to let his negativity get to me, Lucy and I designed a logo, then put together a basic website and a Facebook page. And so it began. Orders started coming in. At first, it was slow. But it soon picked up, and before long, we got our first wedding booking.
You delighted in the different flowers that came in, learning their names, breathing in their scents, while Ollie buried himself in computer games. But it’s what teenaged boys did, I keep telling myself. Yes, I ended up juggling. But mothers were expert at juggling. Wedding consultations, school runs, after-school clubs, flower deliveries… Life was busy. It was also a distraction from what wasn’t right in my life.
For a while, it was like I was sailing. Until one night, I dropped the balls when I came home and found Ollie in tears.
‘What’s happened?’ I asked gently.
He held out his tablet and I saw the shattered screen. ‘Oh no, Olls. How did it happen?’
‘Dad did it,’ he sobbed. ‘He got really angry with me.’
‘Dad?’ I looked at him incredulously. ‘Are you sure it wasn’t an accident?’
He shook his head. ‘He did it on purpose. He was really angry, Mum.’
‘Right.’ Getting up, I marched into the sitting room where Ryan was watching television. Standing in front of it, I glared at him. ‘How dare you?’
‘I imagine you’re talking about the tablet.’ Leaning back, he stared at me. ‘He spends far too much time on that thing. I’ve told him before.’
‘You had no right to break it,’ I hissed. ‘You need to go and apologise to him. Then tomorrow, you need to go out and replace it.’
‘Seeing as you’re the entrepreneur, why don’t you do it?’ He paused. ‘Only be sure to tell him that if I catch him using it too much, the same thing will happen next time. Would you move please? I was watching this.’
How would you feel if I smashed the TV? I felt like saying to him. Because to my mind, you spend far too much time staring at it. But it was pointless trying to talk to Ryan when he was in a mood like that. Biting my tongue, I went back to Ollie. ‘I’ve told him what I think. I’ve also told him to replace it. But if he doesn’t, don’t worry. I will.’
The next morning, knowing full well Ryan wouldn’t, I went out and bought a replacement.
