‘Sometimes things just happen,’ she says gently. ‘I know how you think – that you should be able to have some control over the lives of your nearest and dearest – even if it’s just to protect them. But the reality isn’t always like that.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ve always loved that my kids were free spirits. I think there’s just a lot of stuff catching up with me.’ I gaze around the workshop. ‘We should get started, shouldn’t we?’ I look at Lucy, know how lucky I am to have her. It’s the day before another big wedding; I’m thinking of the thirty table arrangements we need to assemble, of the large-scale installations we need to set up this afternoon.
Lucy catches my need to change the mood. ‘We can do this, no worries. It’ll be a breeze,’ she says airily.
7
BEFORE
Dear Lexie,
I often wonder how our minds work. It’s the way memories come seemingly from nowhere; vivid, fleeting glimpses that take our breath away. You told me once about one of your earlier ones that was standout. I remembered it too.
You were seven and Ollie nine. I came around from the deepest sleep to find the bed empty beside me, suddenly remembering that Ryan was away on a work trip. It felt like Christmas as I sprang out of bed. The house was oddly quiet, no doubt down to the late night the three of us had had, watching movies until Ollie was yawning and you had fallen asleep.
I slipped downstairs and made some coffee. Then, opening the back door, I stood there for a moment. Without Ryan there, I felt a lightness that was unfamiliar. A sense of anticipation, as though I knew already, today was going to be a good day.
Suddenly cold, I pulled my dressing gown around me as I stepped outside and went over to the bench. The grass sparkled with frost as I watched the sun rise behind the trees, the sound of the brightest birdsong echoing around me. It was a rare moment of peace, in which I felt at one with the world; a feeling that was missing not just from my life, but from yours and Ollie’s, too.
And I knew why that was. It was the effect Ryan had on the three of us; how trapped I felt. How mostly I’d assumed that was just how life was now – how we were. Anything else felt impossible to contemplate.
Sipping my coffee, I was uneasy all of a sudden. I needed more moments like this. But it was a marriage in which time was in short supply. I had a sleeping partner; a marriage in which, in many ways, motherhood equated to single parenthood. In short, this worked for one person out of the four of us – and that was Ryan.
‘Mummy?’ Your interruption broke my chain of thought.
I turned to see you standing on the doorstep, Eeyore tucked under one of your arms, your eyes still sleepy, your breath freezing in small clouds.
‘Morning, sweet pea.’ I held out my arms. ‘Did you sleep well?’
‘I slept very well.’ Coming over, you climbed onto my lap. ‘Is Daddy at work?’
‘He is.’ Wrapping my dressing gown around you so that it enveloped both of us, I stroked your hair. ‘I think he’s coming home tomorrow.’
‘I wish…’ You sounded wistful. Then you looked at me.
‘What do you wish?’ I asked.
You looked away; hesitated. ‘I shouldn’t say it.’
‘Because it won’t come true? You can tell me,’ I said gently. ‘Telling mummies doesn’t count.’
‘It isn’t that.’ You were silent for a moment. ‘If I tell you, do you promise not to be cross?’
I hugged you closely. ‘Of course I won’t be.’ But I was frowning, wanting to know what was worrying you.
For a moment, you didn’t move. ‘I wish Daddy wasn’t coming back.’
I held my breath; in all my years of motherhood, nothing had prepared me for this. I opened my mouth to let that pent-up air come rushing out; with it, the words: but he’s your Daddy, Lexie. He loves you. Layering more guilt onto the guilt you were already feeling. But I stopped myself. ‘Why, sweetie?’
I felt your little body tense against me, then the shrug of your shoulders. ‘He makes everything different.’
Before I could reply, there were footsteps behind us and I turned to see Ollie standing there. ‘Hi, darling. Just woken up?’
Nodding, he came and sat next to us.
‘Ask Ollie,’ you said, matter-of-factly. ‘He’ll tell you it’s better when Daddy isn’t here.’
Ollie looked startled. ‘I didn’t say anything, Mum.’
