And I haven’t faced it. But I’m not sure I’m strong enough.
For the rest of the day, Lucy treads carefully. We say little to each other, preparing as much as we can for the wedding that’s coming up. When we close at the end of the day, my conversation with Lucy hangs over me as I drive over to see Ollie.
‘Mum.’ He looks surprised when he opens the door. ‘This is a surprise.’
The paleness of his face echoes mine. But like me, Ollie is missing you, I think. ‘If it isn’t a good time, don’t worry,’ I say hastily. ‘I just thought I’d pop in and see you.’
‘It’s always a good time. Are you coming in?’
‘If you’re sure. I won’t stay.’
He stands back to let me in. ‘Is everything OK?’ An anxious look flickers across his face, a hangover from childhood, a look I know too well.
‘Hi, Edie.’ Jenna, his girlfriend appears behind him. ‘It’s cold out there! Come in.’
‘Thanks.’ I step inside. ‘I won’t stay long. I just thought I hadn’t seen you both in a while.’ It’s been three days, that’s all; feels so much longer. I kiss Jenna on the cheek. ‘How are you?’
‘We’re good.’ She places a protective hand over the roundness of her belly, then smiles as she glances up at Ollie. ‘Aren’t we?’
Gratitude overwhelms me that Ollie has found someone who loves him so much. ‘It isn’t long to go, is it?’
‘A few weeks. I can’t believe it.’ She pauses. ‘We’ve been busy since you were last here.’ She smiles again. ‘Do you have time to see the nursery?’
‘Of course I do. I’d love to.’ This nursery is a big deal. After miscarrying last year, they put off decorating, felt it was tempting fate to assume this pregnancy would go full term.
I follow them up the stairs, then into the small bedroom next to their own. Inside, the walls are freshly painted a warm pink, the cot adorned with tiny animals. The curtains, too, are pink, scattered with tiny flowers. As suddenly it clicks, I turn to gaze at them, incredulous. ‘You’re having a girl.’
Jenna nods. ‘We found out just over a week ago.’ Her eyes are shining. ‘We had planned to wait – but at the last scan, we thought it might be nice to know.’ She hesitates. ‘We were going to keep it a secret, but we wanted you to know.’
Another person in our family. Another girl. A strange feeling comes over me. Even now, I remember the day you came into my life. My beautiful baby girl for whom I wanted the whole world. I gaze around the nursery, so lovingly prepared. These are magical days, anticipating the beginning of a new life. I feel a pang of sorrow that you won’t be here to welcome her.
‘Are you OK, Mum?’ Ollie sounds concerned.
To my horror, a tear rolls down my cheek, followed by another; on top of the day I’ve had, I can’t stop them. ‘I’m fine. Take no notice.’ Wiping my face, I try to smile at them. ‘They’re happy tears! I can’t wait to meet her.’
As I turn to go downstairs, I feel Jenna’s hand on my shoulder. ‘Oh, Edie,’ she says gently. ‘I know you’re missing Lexie – especially at this time of year.’
I take her hand. ‘Thank you. I’m just sad she can’t be with us.’ It should be a time of unbridled joy, though I know how much Ollie wishes you were here. ‘This is a wonderful time in your lives. Enjoy every second. This baby – your baby – is so lucky to have you both.’
In their large, light kitchen, while Ollie makes a restorative cup of tea, Jenna diplomatically leaves us alone.
‘Thank you for showing me the nursery,’ I say softly. Then, before I change my mind, I add, ‘I’m so sorry, Ollie.’
As he turns around, he looks surprised. ‘What for?’
Hedging, I pick up the cup of tea he places in front of me. ‘Lucy and I had a chat earlier.’ I make light of it. ‘I suppose she said one or two things that made me think.’
Ollie frowns. ‘What about?’
‘About you, when you were growing up.’ My voice wavers. ‘She was right about a lot of things.’ I pause. ‘What Dad did, it wasn’t right. I should have been a better mother, Ollie. I’m sorry I wasn’t.’
‘You were the best mum.’ But there’s something in his voice. ‘It’s Dad who should apologise.’
‘You’re right. He should.’ A lump sticks in my throat.
‘Don’t worry. When it comes to him, I expect nothing.’ Ollie’s voice hardens. ‘When the baby’s born, nothing will change, as far as I’m concerned. He won’t be welcome here. And please. Don’t try to talk me out of it. Jenna and I have discussed it at length. She completely agrees. It hasn’t been easy to distance myself. But for my own sake, I’ve had to.’
Reaching across the table, I rest my hand on his. ‘I understand. It’s the right thing to do.’
