“Lots of men are tall, brown-haired and American,” Tom stuttered. “Why... why would you think I was—”
The words died in his throat as Reine reached out a small hand, placing her cool fingers within his own. Instantly, his hand curled protectively around hers, and he stared down at their intertwined fingers.
“Look,” Reine said, and she tugged on his hand, pulling him across the old and dirty room. Reine’s feet were bare, and Tom was suddenly struck with a desire to lift her into his arms.God knew when this hangar had last been cleaned, and there might be shards of glass, or broken metal, or slippery engine oil embedded on the floor.
“Careful,” he said, the word coming out in a broken cry, and Reine glanced down, looking carefully as she picked her way across the hangar.
She stopped in front of Doug’s old truck, rusty but reliable, which Tom knew Marnie had kept out of an unusual sense of nostalgia. Before the truck was a filthy and partially cracked mirror, which Doug had used for reflective engine work. If he closed his eyes, Tom could still picture Doug on the floor, his legs sticking out from the body of the truck, a mirror on his hand, asking Tom to diagnose the issue from the reflection before him.
Now, Reine pulled him to the mirror, pointing at the reflection, asking him to do much the same.
“Look,” she said again, and so Tom did.
The girl in the mirror had hair the colour of dark honey — different to his own, he reasoned. The girl in the mirror had tanned skin, as though she had recently seen the sun, he reasoned likewise. The girl in the mirror was nothing like him. The girl in the mirror was like her mother. The girl in the mirror was all Ari.
But then his eyes met Reine’s in their reflection, and he inhaled sharply.
The girl in the mirror had his eyes, he saw again. The girl in the mirror had his cheekbones. The girl in the mirror had his lips and smile and height. The girl in the mirror was Ari, but she was also him. The likeness was obvious, and Reine had recognised herself in him, just as he’d recognised himself in her. But there was more than that. When Tom looked at Reine, he wasn’t just reminded of himself, or of her mother. He was reminded of his study back at home in New York. He was reminded of a paintingthat hung on his wall, of a small girl clutching an unknown man’s hand, staring out at a cracked landscape.
He wasn’t seeing Reine for the first time, he realised with a profound sense of relief and gratitude. He’d seen her before. He had been looking at her every day for years now. In a way, she’d been with him every day.
“See?” Reine asked, and he looked down at her, taking in her presence with a renewed sense of wonder. The little girl looked almost proud, as if she had worked out a great secret, or solved a troubling puzzle.
“You’re my father.”
Tom took another deep breath, staring at their reflection, his hand still clutched tightly within Reine’s own.
“Yeah,” he agreed, and he squeezed her hand, watching their reflections. “Yeah, I am.”
Chapter 16: Cheese
Ari got as far as the door to her room before she had to stop and take one long, shuddering deep breath. Her lungs felt tight and her stomach queasy, and she laid one hand against both, trying to ease the discomfort in vain.This, she thought to herself miserably,must be what dying feels like.
But she wasn’t dying. Her heart still beat steadily, and her lungs still drew air, despite having taken what felt like a mortal wound to her soul. Ari sank unhappily to the floor, clutching her knees to her chest and trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.
Childhood sweethearts. Meant to be. You can imagine what happened next.
The same words swirled around and around Ari’s fevered mind, hurting her horribly and conjuring up images she had never hoped to have. It was all too easy in that moment to imagine Sasha — pretty, delicate and confident Sasha — wrapped tenderly in Tom’s arms, the place she had belonged since their shared youth, the place she belonged now, and the place she would belong forever more. A place only briefly inhabited by Ari, during Tom’s long but ultimately temporary sojourn to Europe. He’d been lost when Ari had known him — she could see that now. Lost and aimless and searching, his eyes always soft and sad. She’d tried to help him, by loving him and making love to him and holding him together in any way she could. It had been a futile task though, and no wonder. He’d never wanted her love, Ari realised. Not when he had Sasha to come home to.
Ari swallowed hard. Thinking back to those halcyon days in Europe, she could see now — with an almost blinding clarity — that she had offered Tom everything she’d wanted for herself, loving and needing Tom in a way she so desperately wantedto be loved and needed. Perhaps that need had overwhelmed him. Perhaps her love hadn’t been enough. She’d fixed Tom just enough for him to return home to Sasha’s arms, and his true persona of Tom Somerset, and Ari had been left in the wake. Their love, their relationship... It had all been for nothing. He’d used her for a purpose, and once that purpose had been served, she’d been easily discarded and forgotten.
For a moment Ari sat, staring sadly into the distance. This house was so large and impersonal, with shining walls and cold stone floors. Tom had grown up here, she reflected. He’d been a boy in these rambling halls — become a man in these endless rooms. This was his home, his world, and she felt so out of place in it. There was nothing for her here other than the man who’d abandoned her and his waspish fiancée. Abruptly, she longed to be in London, back at home in her little house. It was nothing compared to this mansion, just a typical London two-up, two-down, but it was hers. She’d worked hard for the money for the deposit, sacrificing her youth and nights out and — most cuttingly of all — any and all hopes of achieving her artistic ambitions. She worked harder still to afford her monthly mortgage, giving up weekends and holidays and precious time with Reine. Luis and Sebastian were still indignant about it, she knew. When she’d first told them she was looking for a house, they’d been casual almost to the point of ambivalence.
* * *
“A house?” Luis asks, scratching his head. “Why would you want your own house?”
“Yes,” Sebastian adds, gesturing to the living room of the flat she rented from them, “you live here.”
“I can’t stay here forever,” Ari tells them. “We all knew this was a temporary measure. Just until Reine and I were on ourfeet. Well, we’re on them now and it’s time for us to have a home of our own.”
“But you live here,” Sebastian says again, looking puzzled. “This is a zone one flat that you rent for a pittance. There’s a Le Pain Quotidien down the street and a Majestic Wine Warehouse on the corner. Why on earth would you ever want to leave?”
Ari sighs, watching Reine pull herself up into Luis’s lap. She sees him smile as the small toddler snuggles into his arms, burrowing her chubby arms into his cashmere cardigan, and she feels a pang of guilt for Tom.
That should be him,she reminds herself. Tom should be the one getting Reine’s cuddles and kisses.
“Well, a garden for Reine, for one thing,” Ari says easily, brushing off her sadness and walking into the kitchen to make tea. “She needs fresh air.”
