Silence fell again as Ari took his words in.
“You really... you really broke things off with Sasha?” she asked, hating how timid she sounded.
“Yeah, I did,” Tom confirmed. “I just... it would never have worked out, long-term. I didn’t love her, Ari. I never loved her. The only woman I’ve ever loved in my whole, entire, stupid life has been—”
“Please don’t—”
“—you.”
Ari took a deep breath, pressing herself more firmly against the tree.
“I really did love you,” Tom carried on, stepping towards her. “I was crazy about you. Everything about you. There was nothing about you I didn’t like or want.”
“Then why didn’t you come for me?” Ari asked, her voice breaking. Her stomach hurt with unexpected longing, her head hurt with building tears and she felt an angry sadness wash through her. “Why didn’t you come for me?”
“I—” Tom began, before he shook his head, stopping and taking a step back. Ari watched as he ran a hand through his hair, scowling at the ground. “I’m an idiot,” he said. “I was a mess after my father died. I was a messbeforemy father died too. You were the only bright spot. The only time where I ever thought I was getting things right.”
“By lying to me, and pretending to be someone else.”
Tom sighed. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for that. I’ll never forgive myself for it, so why should you? When I first started using the name Tom Miller, I was running from myself and the family background I thought was strangling me. The weight of expectation on my shoulders, from my mother, father, brother... even from myself... It was too much. Running away felt so easy,” Tom reflected sadly. “A fake name felt like a chance to get away from it all.”
“You never said what you were doing before you met me,” Ari said, sliding to the ground and wrapping her arms around her knees. “I knew so little about you. Istillknow so little about you.”
“There’s time to learn,” Tom said softly. “I’m not going away again, Ari.”
“I know,” Ari agreed. She gave a long sigh. “You have Reine now. What are we going to do about her, Tom? I meant what I said. I’m not going to keep her from you. I want you to spend time with her.”
“I’ll come to London.”
Ari chewed on her lip. The thought of Tom being in London, all the time, made her feel somewhat nervous, though she couldn’t articulate why.
“You’d move to London? For Reine?”
Tom paused. “Not just for Reine.”
Ari hugged her knees harder, looking away from the intensity of Tom’s gaze. The ground was still damp beneath her, and she was certain her dress was muddied and wet, but she didn’t care. The sensation of the wet leaves against her legs distracted her from the sudden rush of troubling thoughts that ran through her mind — thoughts that made her fingers tremble and lungs feel tight.
“Tom . . .” she started.
“Please, let me say something,” Tom begged, falling to his knees beside her. “Ari, you must know how I feel about you. How I’vealwaysfelt about you. I still love you, Ari. I will always love you.”
She turned to face him, resting her cheek on her knees. Tom looked different somehow, with dark shadows under his eyes, his face tense and strained. He looked pained, almost wretched. Ari sighed again, licking her lips, which felt dry and tight.
“I don’t know that,” she said tremulously. “I used to think that, when I knew you as Tom Miller, when I thought you would come for me and Reine. But now...”
“It’s still me,” Tom said painfully, reaching over to caress one of Ari’s hands. He only just brushed his fingertips over her knuckles, but at his touch Ari jumped.
“No,” she said sadly. “You aren’t the man I knew. You aren’t the man I loved. I’m... I’m sorry, Tom. I know how you want this conversation to go, but I can’t. I just can’t, and I don’t—”
“Ari, look.”
Ari watched as he reached into his pocket, pulling from it a shape she knew well. It was the fool to her queen of spades, she realised.He kept it,she thought in sudden anguish.He kept it.
“Before you say I can’t, before you say I don’t, please look at this. I’ve had this, carried it every day, for years,” Tom told hersoftly, handing her the card. Its weight was familiar in her hand, her fingers curling naturally around its edges.
“I’m still a fool for you,” he whispered. “I’ll always be a fool for you.”
Ari closed her eyes, hoping to stop the tears that were building.
