During the past weeks Skye had carefully weaned herself from Billy.His progress had been phenomenal, and there wasevery indication he would walk again.Billy didn’t need her anymore, and for her sake as much as his, she’d spaced her visits farther and farther apart.Whatever differences Bill and Betty had experienced before were working themselves out.From what she understood, they were working with a marriage counselor.For all Skye knew Jordan had his hand in that as well.
Skye changed into her jogging clothes once she was home.She ran more and more now, and a forty-mile week was not uncommon.Running dulled her senses until she was so exhausted, it didn’t matter what thoughts her mind entertained.If anyone questioned her desire to pursue the sport, she explained that she was considering running a marathon.To prove her point she competed in the Bay to Breakers city run the third Sunday in May.She’d made respectable time, and was encouraged.At least running had helped her overcome the horrible apathy she’d experienced after last seeing Jordan.
The overcast skies didn’t discourage her, and she set her pace, attacking San Francisco’s hilly streets with a vengeance until her lungs burned and her calm muscles quivered.A loneliness beyond anything she’d ever experienced over all the years she’d lived alone came to prey on her mind.Before leaving Peggy’s that afternoon, Janey had insisted on showing her the freshly painted bedroom being readied for the baby.Bright daffodil-yellow walls decorated with Disney characters met her.The bassinet was ready and filled with tiny sleepers and booties Peggy and Janey had lovingly prepared.Skye laughed and chatted for a few minutes, examining each piece while Janey beamed with pride.But as she left, walking across the street to her car, the tears came.They were a surprise then, and she quickly wiped them aside without Janey or Peggy noticing.
Now she understood.The reality hit her, hammering into her stomach.She would never marry.She would never bear a child.When she went to bed tonight and every night for the restof her life she would be alone.There would be no Jordan with whom to share the intimate details of her life, no Jordan to listen to her silly songs.Her songs.She almost laughed.How very grateful she was to her music.It had been difficult in the beginning, when she’d felt bone-dry of any creative ability.All her efforts had been channeled toward presenting a cheerful façade.Now she was grateful for her time at the hospital; it helped fill the void.Sally had done her best to force Skye into the dating world and wanted to set up another date with Steve King, but Skye declined with the promise that she would, given time.
Completing her run, her lungs heaving, she slowed her pace to walk the remaining blocks to the apartment.The hot water of the shower soothed her upturned face, but not her heart.Without Jordan she would need to relinquish the deep womanly desire for a child.Peggy’s rounding stomach was a knife twisting at her soul.The euphoric experience of being a mother would be denied her.She’d relinquished so much in her life, she thought bitterly: Glen, her father, Jordan, and now children.
She dressed and forced herself to eat half a sandwich.Although she had no desire to attend the Wednesday evening church service, she refused to allow any bitterness into her life.Her trust was in the Lord, she affirmed aloud.
Skye was grateful for one thing: Jordan had never returned her father’s Bible.This was probably a subtle punishment that served its purpose in the beginning.Now she was glad he’d kept it.The time would come when he would be ready to accept Christ, and her father’s Bible would be there.She prayed that when he read it he would remember her fondly.
For the most part, her anger at his deception was gone; the hurt remained deep and painful, but that, too, would pass with time.It would be very difficult to hate someone she prayed for, and she often found her prayers centering on Jordan.
The church was quiet and peaceful, offering solace.So much had transpired this day; emotions, awakenings, realizations.She wouldn’t hide from her feelings again as she’d done after Glen and her father had died.Slipping into the wooden pew, she bowed her head in prayer.It was true she must relinquish Jordan and the desire for children, but the exchange was a fair one.Jordan had done so much for her, and she would always be grateful God had sent him into her life.
The pastor’s words cut into her thoughts as the service began.The congregation sang a few choruses, and then Peggy and Brad slipped into the pew beside Skye.The Scripture lesson was on Matthew 19.Skye flipped open the pages of her Bible to the Gospel.
“Again I tell you,” the pastor began, reading, “it is easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to enter into God’s kingdom.”
Uneasily Skye felt her stomach begin to twist, and she sent Peggy a confused look.
Peggy shrugged, her eyes as perplexed as Skye’s.
“To fully understand this verse,” the pastor began to explain, “one must realize that the eye of a needle was the name of a gate, and it was possible for a camel to gain entrance, but first any cargo must be unloaded.”He continued by making the comparison between the camel’s cargo and our worldly goods.“Next the camel was forced to get down on his knees.”
Skye’s attention was pulled from the pastor as Brad began scribbling a note.Peggy intercepted it and added a message before handing it to Skye.
Speaking of going to my knees, would you take Janey this weekend?I want to be alone with my wife, the note read.Peggy’s message was an added postscript.I hope you’re listening to the pastor, and before you ask, no, I didn’t have anything to do with his choice of topic.
Skye took her pen and scribbled a note back.If you two don’t quit writing notes in church, I’ll report you to the elders.And yes, I’d love to have Janey.
She rose early Saturday morning.She’d have to get her running in early since Brad was bringing Janey to her apartment around ten.She followed her normal course, which offered a variety of terrains: flat, steep, curvy.She managed the eight miles in less than an hour; rivulets of perspiration rolled off her body as she stepped into her building.She wiped the sweat from her cheekbones before stooping down to extract her key from a small compartment in the side of her shoe.
“Do you carry your whole purse in your shoe these days?”
The words struck her like a blow, depriving her lungs of oxygen.She straightened, slowly.
“Jordan,” she managed.She wasn’t ready to see him again; she needed time to school her reactions, to prepare herself.
He was dressed casually in dark corduroy pants and a charcoal-gray shirt that matched his eyes exactly.It was the first time she’d seen his left arm without the cast.
“Can I come in?”he asked.“Or will that defile your love for your dead boyfriend?”
Her back went rigid, her fists clenched tightly as she opened the door and stepped aside.Nervously she ran the back of her hand across her forehead before walking inside.
He followed her, closing the door.“I’m returning your father’s Bible.”
She nodded weakly.She’d rather he kept it, but to tell him that would reveal her love.Instead she mumbled, “Thank you.”
He laid the Bible on the table in the entryway and hesitated before pulling an envelope from the Bible.“Your niece wrote me a very interesting letter.”
She searched his face.“Yes, I know.She wanted to thank you for the doghouse.”
“This didn’t have a thing to do with the doghouse.”He exhaled sharply.“She said you loved me.”A muscle twitched in his jaw.“Is it true?Do you love me?”
Skye felt trapped.She couldn’t lie to him, not again.“Yes.”The lone word was wrenched from her.
