“I’ll be right back,” I murmured, planting a kiss on her temple.
She gave me a sated smile as I placed a throw blanket over her before she closed her eyes, her long lashes resting on her cheeks. I took a moment to stare down at her, my heart in my throat, before I forced myself away.
I went to my bathroom and removed the condom before disposing of it in the trash. Quickly, I did what I had to do before returning to her, not bothering to dress. If she were naked, then I wanted to be too.
I returned to her and lifted her into my arms as I sank onto the leather cushions. I had her on my lap, and she snuggled against me immediately, making me let out a soft breath. She rested her head against my chest, her fingers trailing softly along my skin, making my own goosebumps erupt.
“Tell me what is going on inside that pretty head of yours,” I murmured. “I want to know.”
“Do you?” she asked softly. “Why?”
I breathed out. I wanted to know everything about her. All her secrets. Her wishes. Her dreams. Every ounce of her there was, I wanted to know it.
“You are the most intriguing creature I have ever met. I find myself unable to resist you even though everything tells me I should.”
“I feel that way about you.”
I chuckled, a little relief flooding through me. “We might have a problem then, huh, my sweet girl.”
“Has this ever happened to you before? Where you have felt this way?”
“No.” I didn’t hesitate with my answer. She was it. I’d never done anything like this with a woman before. Sure, I’d been married, but it wasn’t love. Fucking was me visiting her at night, getting between her legs while she lay there and stared up at the ceiling. She never even touched me, although she’d certainly come for me and tell me she wanted it. Her lack of effort suggested otherwise, but I was desperate to make it work. So I continued to try. We’d had sons. And now, I was alone because I was a failure.
“You’ve been married before?—”
“No,” I said softly, tilting her chin up and brushing my lips against hers. The last thing I wanted her to do was think this was perfunctory. That I did this with all the women I was with. “That is my answer. My marriage wasn’t made of love. It was more like duty.”
“Will you tell me about it?” She shifted so she was looking at me.
I studied her for a moment, my heart in my throat, before I looked past her into a place I hadn’t been in years.
“I had an arranged marriage. I knew her. She knew me. We were good enough friends, but we didn’t love each other. It was a duty on my part. She loved another, and the pain of not having him was unbearable for her. I suppose perhaps she thought I’d be agreeable to sharing my wife, even if we did not love one another.” I paused for a moment and twirled one of her vibrant red curls around my finger.
“The Bratva murdered him. He tried to make a name for himself so he could win her away from me. She struggled with the news of his death, so much so that it spiraled her into a depression so deep that I could not bring her out of it. I felt angry and bitter because I had always wanted to be a good husband.She told me I’d never behim. I knew these words were out of despair and anger, but she said them to me every day we were married. I kept trying until it became too much. In a way, I regret that weakness because it transformed me into something even more monstrous. I cannot blame who I became solely on her. That would be irresponsible of me, but in my anger, I began to grow colder to all. Even my boys.”
I stopped talking and cradled her face, my throat tight.
“I fucked up, little hummingbird. I ruined her life by agreeing to the marriage. She killed herself after the man she really loved died. His name was Edward Bauer. A decent enough family, but nowhere near the caliber of either of ours.” I ran my knuckles along her jaw. “She thought it was the only way to get to him and be with him. I came in and found her lying in a pool of her own blood. I picked up the knife. Levin walked in on it. I didn’t want him to know his mother never loved me. That she hated our life so much that she would die to escape it. Maybe I should have told the boys. Maybe it would have changed things. He and Stefan believe I am their mother’s killer when, in fact, it was justlifethat killed her. A life she didn’t want.”
I stopped speaking for a moment, my mind on that ugly day. I hated remembering it.
“I was already a madman. The regret I had at not saving her or trying harder ate at me. I’ve never been good with emotions and feelings. Everything turned to hate. To anger. My boys…” my voice trailed off. “They hated me. Levin still does because I still fuck up. I don’t know how to be any other way with him. Perhaps I fear trying and being rejected, like his mother rejected me. And Stefan… He’s with his mother now, so it’s a moot point, really. Just another regret.”
I closed my eyes, but not fast enough, because a tear worked its way out. Fuck. I hadn’t cried in years. I dug deep. Worked my ass off. Became a monster because it was easier that way.
“I was not a good father, nor was I a good husband. I am fearful of the rejection. Of the hatred. I only know my cruelty and how it can build a wall that can protect the heart. Maybe in my way, this is how I try to be a good father by pushing my sons away. So maybe they will grow cold and not hurt as I have. It is not often that I think of ways to explain it. I don’t like how it makes me feel. I just.. I wish for a different outcome. A second chance. Levin is all I have left, and he hates me, but perhaps it’s for the best. He is a strong man, and for that, I am proud.” More tears slipped down my cheeks, and I looked away from her, not wanting her to see how much I hurt.
She leaned in and kissed my lips. My cheek. She brushed away the tears and held me tightly. So many emotions crashed through me, I thought I was losing my mind. I’d never felt so damn many at once. I didn’t even recognize them all.
But one thing was certain.
She was at the center of every single one of them.
“If heaven had a face, I’m sure it would be yours,” I whispered. “Sweet Rosalie. You are a rarity. I am honored to share these moments with you. Thank you for that. I-I have never been in love, but I imagine it feels like this.”
The words practically choked me, but I said them because they were the truth.
“I think you could hate me,” she whispered.
