He nodded. “Brax there’s cold beer in the fridge, give us a couple of minutes, will you?”
“Sure.”
I watched him go inside the house before I stared at my father, my eyes questioning. “Why?” I grumbled.
At fifty-four, my father was still a stuntman, a strong one at that too. Like he’d said a thousand times, it was in his blood and when he met his death, it would happen during a dangerous stunt. Yet, when it came to his children, he was soft-hearted, caring and always understanding. It gutted me that at my age, he was still trying to hold my hand. I knew he’d never let go, even if I begged.
My aggression didn’t faze him. “Join me?” He gestured toward the garden path that led down to the river.
After Skye left, sober me couldn’t go down there without her ghost trailing me. Couldn’t say the same for drunk me though and the odd occasions I did, found my feet leading me to her hideout where I’d fall asleep until Dad came looking for me. Sometimes I’d swear he knew that I’d made Skye mine before she left me without so much as a fucking goodbye.
Grinding my teeth against the memory, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my sweats and fell into step beside him as we walked down the pathway.
Following Griffin’s death three years ago and my injury that wasn’t fully conducive to rejoin the special ops team yet, I’d resorted to helping our local mechanic at his garage. While it wasn’t ideal, it took my mind off shit that haunted me at nights. Visions I wished I could unsee. Dreams I implored to leave me the fuck alone. Instead, they got worse to the point I’d become more and more fucked up with each passing day.
Griffin became my one source of comfort after Skye left and Ryleigh lost the baby. And as if fate decided I wasn’t tortured enough, she’d taken my best friend too. Now, I was an empty shell, floating from day to day that began with lackluster mornings and no end in sight. Same shit different day, only the mood swings worsened and kept under control with hardened gym workouts.
If Dad was interfering, it meant I was now reaching a level of aggression that could become dangerous if left unattended. I recognized it but did I want to do anything about it?
No. I just didn’t care.
“Son,” Dad drew me out of my musings. “Men are equipped to handle tough shit all the time, soldiers more so. No guts no glory, right?” He glanced at me for confirmation. I said nothing and he continued, “you give off yourself willingly for your country, for your family, for love.” He stopped walking, his gaze roving over the scenery before looking at me. “The last couple of years have been difficult for you. Losing Julie, deployment, stringent ops that messed with your head then loosing Skye, the baby, Griffin, your injury. It hasn’t been easy.”
“Your point, Dad?” Anger had become my roommate for so long now, I didn’t know how to sound normal.
He exhaled on a long-drawn-out sigh. “Shay, you were the one person in my life that made my days worthwhile. Everything I ever did had a reason. And he is standing right here, right now but no longer with the spark I knew so well. Alive but dead on the inside.” He slipped his hands into the pockets of his slacks and turned fully to face me. “What would it take?”
“For?” I kicked a tuft of grass, avoiding his gaze.
“For you to live again?”
I looked up this time catching his pained expression. Regret slid through me. He didn’t deserve to be stuck with the asshole I’d become. “I don’t know how to,” I muttered, facing the truth that had been keeping me under for years.
“Would you let me help then?”
Something I didn’t recognize twisted in the pit of my stomach. “I’ve become an intolerable bastard but you’re still here. Haven’t you helped enough already?” I dragged a hand through my hair, gripping the strands so tight, my scalp tingled.
His laugh was soft. “If I walked away for every bad word, mood swing or disgruntled argument you unleashed then I’m not worthy of being called a father.”
Those words slammed into me, hitting hard. I ground my teeth, the weight of guilt crashing down on me, the recurring pound in my head thumping louder. “Would you even know how to?”
Reaching into his shirt pocket, he produced a folded piece of paper. It took a moment to recognize the pink notepaper Julie had used, to write me letters. I frowned, lifting my gaze to meet his.
“I used to be a non-believer of everything happens for a reason, son. But this.” He fingered the edge of the paper for a second. “This changed that perception and I’m just sorry I didn’t do something sooner.” I felt that eerie tingle down my spine yet refused to acknowledge it. “Three days before you returned from tour to announce your engagement to Ryleigh, I found this letter in Julie’s bedside drawer. It was lodged in a crack and why I hadn’t seen it before.” He stared at the piece of paper for a long while and I gave him that moment of silence. “The envelope it sat in was addressed to me which also included a note for me.” He looked up then, his eyes crinkling with a soft smile. “The morning of her accident...” his voice broke, and I watched him swallow hard before he spoke again. “Julie apparently had a weird dream that prompted her to write this. She intended for you to get this that week and my note instructed me to send this to you then, but I guess sometimes life is unpredictable or maybe everything does happen for a reason.” He held it out.
My body tight with anticipation, I took the piece of paper and opened it. Two sentences in, I didn’t stop the unbidden tears.
To my sweetest boy,
If you’re reading this, it means that either my weird premonition I had last night, came true and I’ve moved on or your father sent this to you earlier than he was supposed to. Should the former be true, only you will understand these words.
Her life began with the softest of cries. My life will end with her hardest of cries. Help her forget it’s resonance, Shay. Fill her days with laughter until she cries. This time with joy only you can bring her.
She will never find a love like yours. Unconditional. Unequivocal. Unshakable.
My wish for you is to follow your heart wherever it leads you and if you ever reach that moment when you need to break your promise to me. Don’t hesitate because I forgave you the moment you agreed to it.
Remember, if only is just two words, they don’t define our future only regret can.
