I wiped my tears. “More brother than friend, I guess.”
I was surprised when she neatly folded her petite frame to sit next to me. “My husband. Served three tours in Nam and died in the line of duty like he always hoped for.” She pointed to the row behind me. “Five years now but still feels like yesterday. Both my sons are serving and every day I patiently wait for that call. Is it wrong, yes but sometimes its better to live knowing it could happen at any time than being unprepared like I was for my husband. Maybe it will hurt less, maybe it won’t. All I know is I have to pray for them.”
I stared out at the open expanse of land in front of me, decorated with too many crosses to count. “I have no idea what to do with myself, where to begin, how to begin. I’m a dedicated soldier, always have been but now in an army that can’t use me. They said I can come back when I’m healed. I don’t know how to.” I had no idea why I was talking to a stranger but something about her soothing smile comforted me.
“Son, do you know how many soldiers there are out there,” she asked. I shrugged, unsure. “Millions,” she replied. “Do you know how many of them don’t make it as far as you have?” I shook my head. “My husband once told me that there are thousands of soldiers homeless at any given time. They fear going back to their old lives, unsure how to begin, how to change, some too afraid their families would reject their nightmares. Some choose suicide that stems from depression over facing a life they once left behind, out of fear.”
Her divulgence left me reeling. I stared down at my fingers, numb from what those soldiers went through to choose poverty and loneliness as a companion.
She reached for my hand, giving it a tight squeeze. “Residual stress from combat deployment is common as my husband used to say. Soldiers are accustomed to harsh environments and resolute conduct that is demanded of them which they struggle to adapt or change once they return home.” She squeezed my hand again and smiled. I couldn’t bring myself to return the gesture. “And sometimes, they just find it difficult to ask for help,” she added quietly. “Take it one day at a time. Find something to live for. Let her, him or they become your guiding force. Your friend is in a better place now and while he might’ve deserted you as your heart believes, only you can choose where you go from here. It’s not an easy journey, but it’s not a hard one either if you have the right support.”
“Thank you for the advice.” My smile this time was half-hearted.
“He’s not the first loss you’ve suffered, is he?” Her perception surprised me.
“No.” I sighed. “But the first army companion I lost.”
“If we live forever, life wouldn’t be special. It is death that makes life special and understanding that, brings it into perspective. So that we stop wasting things, like time by not resolving old conflicts, not telling someone you love them, not living. Look at your friend, he has lived his life and now, he’s resting. Remember his last words to you and bring them alive, son.” Gradually, she stood and leaned down with a hand on my shoulder. “Start by mending your heart, even if it’s just doing what you think is right for you and those around you.”
Once more, I found her perception uncanny and nodded. “Thank you.”
“All the best and if you ever need a shoulder, you’ll find me here every day, at this time. It’s when Harold and I have lunch together. I’m Betty by the way and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind the added company of a strapping young soldier just to talk.” With a little chuckle, she walked away.
I watched until she disappeared over the hill then stood with a deep inhale, feeling a little more rejuvenated than when I’d arrived. “Thanks for bringing me here today, Griff. You always knew how to help and like Betty said, I will bring your last words to life, if it’s the last thing I do.” My chest tightened remembering his last words and how he died. I should’ve been the one in the ground, not him. The tears fell again, and I clenched my fists. “Rest now, bro, I’ll be back soon.”
When I got home, Ryleigh stood at the door, her face draped in concern. “You okay?” she asked as I climbed the stairs to the porch.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I dropped into one of the loungers on the deck and stared out at the view. It was beautiful out here. Bright green lawns covered by cherry blossoms among other trees, even with the huge dark gray mountains as a backdrop, it was calming. Serene. Somewhere in the distance, horses neighed, reminding me I needed to visit Bullet. Then I thought of what Betty said. Maybe she was right. To find myself or the peace I craved, I had to start with my heart first.
“You had another nightmare last night. Are you not taking your pills? And you left without any breakfast, I just thought...” Ryleigh trailed off.
“You thought what?” I asked without looking at her. The nightmares came and went. Somedays, I managed them and others, they controlled me. Thankfully, I was still levelheaded to remain calm. With hints of anger and annoyance peaking out, mainly in my body language or my words, never my fists. That I reserved for the punching bag.
“Dammit, Shay, I’m only trying to help but you’ve seriously become a stubborn asshole that won’t accept any help. I just want my husband back,” she wailed.
My head snapped toward her. “Your husband back? That’s rich,” I snorted.
She drew closer, her eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Why don’t you take a seat?” I pointed to the lounger opposite me. “Maybe we can have that heart to heart you so desperately wanted before I was deployed.”
“I’m fine here.” She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the rail.
“I think it’s time we divorced, Ryleigh. You have nothing I want, and I clearly have nothing you want since Brax has been warming your bed, how long now?”
She gasped, her eyes widening. “You knew?”
My laugh was sarcastic. “Not much happens in a small town where people don’t talk.” I shrugged. “But, since I’m not really interested in who you fuck, you can have at it, just not under my roof.” I found out just before I deployed, and it was Griffin who advised me to handle it on my return. He never liked Ryleigh much, so he counted her as unimportant for my sanity.
“It’s all your fault,” she threw back harshly. “I always took second place to Skye—”
I was out of my seat so fast, she jumped, backing up against one of the support beams, her face stricken in horror. Not sure if I was amused by her fear or her audacity to blame me, I clenched my jaw. “Firstly, don’t ever fucking mention Skye’s name. I told you there’d be no promises and I also told you, you’d have my honesty. It’s what I gave you andyouchose to stay with me,” I sneered. “Secondly,youwere advised not to go jogging but you explicitly defied the doctor’s orders after he warned you had a low-lying placenta andyoukilled out fucking child,” I hissed. “Third,youchose to fuck Brax behind my back instead of being honest like I always was.” I barked. “Now, about whose fault we’re in shit street, care to amend your analysis?”
She was trembling, and I wasn’t sure if she feared me, or she was angry because she’d just learned I wasn’t the dumbass she thought I was. “I never meant to hurt you, Shay.”
“You didn’t.” I shrugged. After Skye left and apart from losing my child then Griffin, everything else was of little consequence. “Go make a life with Brax, Ryleigh.” I didn’t give her a chance to respond and headed for the garage. I’d just dealt with my heart, planning to wait right here for Skye. Now to find something to live for.
If only my soul hadn’t died...
