28. Only Love Can Hurt Like This – Paloma Faith
Skye – 18 years; Shay30 years
Wordlessly, Shay let me lead him away. As we walked, hand in hand, down the aisle with Dad at our rear, I had no idea how I placed one foot in front of the other or maintained a straight face and even managed a smile or two. Shay’s gentle squeeze on my hand when I glanced at him told me he was aware of my agony. All too soon we reached the altar and I forced myself to act the perfect sister.
“Hey, baby girl, the stage is already set, what say you and I tie the knot after these two.” Griffin jerked a thumb at Shay.
I felt Shay’s grip tighten around my hand and looked up at him. The rigid cut of his jaw spoke to his annoyance.I’m yours, silently I begged him to read the message in my eyes.
“I’m already promised to another, Griff,” I joked.
He pouted, clutching his chest. “Break my heart, why don’t you.” Then he smiled, his gaze drifting between me and Shay. “I’m sure he’s worth every kiss, Skye.” Something in Griffin’s tone had me wondering if he suspected Shay was that guy.
I let go of his hand and just before he stepped up onto the platform, I dusted imaginary flecks off his suit jacket. We exchanged a look that said a thousand words and lifting onto my toes, I kissed his cheek. “See you soon,” I whispered and stepped back for Dad to shake his hand.
When they hugged, Shay looked at me over Dad’s shoulder, his expression an anguish I felt running through my body. I offered him a smile, hoping it would help alleviate the helplessness. With pain lodged in my throat, I swallowed hard, praying like hell no one noticed. Griffin did. I glanced at him. Slowly, he shook his head, his eyes softening, and in that moment, I knew he knew my secret.
I was in love with my brother.
Unsettled, I dropped my gaze, accepted Dad’s hand and let him walk me to the front pew. Grandma sat there and as I took my seat, she gave me a look that was neither hostile nor friendly, more like ‘you know what’s best for him, Skye.’
All around me, a happy buzz rose in crescendo, and I suddenly wished for the same peace of mind these people possessed right now. Keeping my eyes fixed on my fingers, I managed to stay my nerves until Ryleigh entered the church. Guilt consumed me and I didn’t know how I hadn’t collapsed in a heap on the floor, with the way I shook. Unconsciously, I gripped Dad’s hand like a lifeline.
“Are you okay, Angel? You’re trembling.” He slipped a hand around my waist, keeping me tight to his body.
“Yeah.” Shame washed over me, and I replied without looking at him. Overcome with the fear of a breakdown, I avoided Shay’s eyes too. Yet, my mouth still burning with his taste, my lips still swollen with his kisses, my body still warm from his touch, warned I’d lose that battle to ignore him.
Despite my tense body and chaotic insides, I managed to sit through the ceremony until they reached the ‘I do’ part. I heard everything the pastor said to Shay, panic rising as I felt our time start to tick out until a piercing hyperawareness sprinted down my spine. I tried to push it aside but that feeling I was wasting valuable time forced me to look up for the first time since I left him at the altar.
Gray eyes roved over me while he held Ryleigh’s hands ready to accept her as his wife. I didn’t have to ask to know what he was searching for. It was written all over his face. He wanted me to stop him.
How could I?
Then his gaze slid to Griffin, something I didn’t understand passed between them before both men looked at me. My resolve shattered, my chest filling with an abrupt heaviness. The promise I made to Shay to be okay with everything crumbled to pieces and I quietly died on the inside, stifling the ache to go to him.
Giving no thought to my actions, I stood and walked out of the church without a backward glance. Not out of embarrassment but out of fear of what I’d see on Shay’s face. Voices buzzed around me were immediately drowned by the sound of my heartbeat roaring in my ears. My pulse raced with the dread someone would come after me. Still, I kept walking until I reached my car.
The valet attendant, one of the boys from school, came racing after me. “Hey, Skye, you forgot to take your keys.”
“Thank you.” As I took it from his outstretched hand, I could see he wanted to talk more. “I need to go.” I unlocked the door and slid behind the wheel. When the car pulled away, Dad appeared in the rearview mirror. He was trying to wave me down. I didn’t stop.
The further I drove, the harder the tears fell. No matter how much I swiped at them, they wouldn’t stop. I had no idea how I drove the distance I did until the airport loomed on the horizon. That sight had a startling effect on my heart. The sudden screech of tires and various honks somewhere behind me brought me out of the daze I’d dropped into.
“Oh, shit!” I checked the rearview not realizing that in my wimpy state I’d slammed the brakes in the middle of the road. Bottom lip between my teeth, I eased the car onto the shoulder. Several vehicles passed me, their drivers either hitting the horn or waving their fist at me, curses flying in the wind as they sped by.
Overcome with a serious case of emotion induced panic, I burst out laughing which slowly merged into more tears I couldn’t control. This time I dropped my face into my hands and let it all out because there was nothing else I could do.
That last look on Shay’s face when I looked up, the plea, the love, the need in it, splintered my fragile heart. It would’ve been a little easier if nothing had happened between us. Who was I kidding? There was nothing easy to a broken heart whether love was reciprocated or not. I could’ve stayed, worked it out but then that would’ve just been selfish of me. Even if I wanted to hate Shay, I couldn’t. He’d warned me he couldn’t give me more and I accepted it. I couldn’t expect him to turn his back on his child. He never did that to me, not once.
My hold on the wheel a white-knuckle grip, my body a shaking mess of sobs, I stared at the woman in the rearview mirror, not recognizing her. “This isn’t a fairytale, Skye.” I wiped my tears. “Your prince charming is not coming. He’s been captured by the evil queen,” I scoffed the last part, my laugh short and cynical. Then I shook my head. I was the evil one in this unchartered love triangle. I’d traversed lines I had no business doing. I took something from Ryleigh that never belonged to me in the first place. I broke her trust in Shay and she didn’t even know it.
No matter how much I tried to validate what I did was out of love, at the end of that long whine, I was the sick one. There was and will never be any justification. Love like mine wasn’t supposed to exist in this world, couldn’t exist.
Yet through the righteousness, I dug deep to find, all I saw was Shay. His touch, his kiss, that look of pure adoration in his eyes when his body moved over me, the hint of a smile that tugged his lips before they met mine.
A sting of agony hurtled through me, and I clutched my heaving chest, failing to stop the tears. “Shay,” I came apart at the seams until exhaustion claimed the tendons at my nape, and I dropped my brow to the wheel, knowing in my heart, I’d never get over him. Maybe one day I would but not today. Today I’d allow myself the disappointment, the pain, the loss. Today, the sun in the sky, the wind in the air and ground I trampled as I left the church, would bear witness to my anguish. Today, I’d say goodbye to the one man who held the key to my heart.
I lifted my head and opened the door, taking bottled water with me. Unscrewing the cap, I raised the bottle and let the cool water drench my puffy face, not caring that I wet the lace dress I wore. I didn’t plan on wearing it again. Why would I?
