“I don’t understand.” Staring at him, I went over the evening in my head trying to figure out what brought this on. Granted, the blowjob in his bathroom was unplanned, it was like I’d been visited by my Lilith and not surprisingly, I’d enjoyed being free to do as I pleased with him, for once.
Turning away, he dragged a hand through his hair. “Caleb told me about the whole fake fiancé plan.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know how I’d react when he found out, this wasn’t it. “I’m sorry, Shay.”
He turned back to look at me and I balked at his glazed eyes. “Do you have any idea what I’ve gone through in the last six years, Blue,” he was trying not to sound angry, but I could see he was barely holding it together. “Fuck. I died a little every time I thought about you, to the point I didn’t think I’d survive.” He shook his head, his laugh caustic. “Griffin was the only person who knew, who saw what I was going through. That day he died.” He paused, his throat working several swallows. “It was supposed to be me, Blue. I was supposed to be on that ground, my body blown in half. Not my fucking friend, my fucking brother. Because he knew how much I wanted to die. But even in death, he cheated me. He never let me, Blue. He gave his life to save me,” he cried, his words shooting right through me.
I clasped a hand to my chest, falling to the wall behind me, the tears blinding my vision. Shay wanted to die. He’d lost the will to live, and I could’ve prevented that. And Griffin, my guardian angel. Oh, my God. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered over and over, not sure what I was apologizing for.
“I couldn’t fucking live with myself. But seeing you again, gave me hope. That moment I saw you in the restaurant, nothing mattered more than a smile from you, and you didn’t give me that. I pleaded for you to say my name, but you denied me that too. But this.” He shook his head. “Pretending with Caleb even after I fucked you, thrice.” He dragged both hands down his face. “Did you hate me that much?”
“No,” I sobbed, shaking my head. “You don’t understand.” I searched for the right words because this needed to make sense to him and me. “I was scared to love you again because I knew we couldn’t be together. When I walked away on your wedding day, I died too. Then Dad stepped in, and he made me live, Shay. He helped put me back together again and I lived. But it took one phone call to get me to Germany. Just one and my heart cried from here to there and back because I broke all over again. Then you arrived here, and I panicked because you’re one person I can’t say no to, never could and probably never will. You broke me, Shay, but I gave you permission to do so. To give me strength, I used Caleb as my shield.” My chest ached from the pain on his face. Once more we were killing each other.
I turned away because in my heart, I knew I couldn’t tell him about his son, I couldn’t let Griffin experience this pain.
Shay grasped my arms, swinging me around. “Look at me, Blue.” When I did, he kissed my tears. “I hurt you so many times, no amount of apologies can make up for it. Not in this lifetime and the next. But this.” He pointed to our chests. “What we did since I arrived here, it’s not going to change. Nothing’s coming between us again, ever. I promise. The world be damned, baby, but you belong to me.”
“Ryleigh?” I whispered, hiccupping on a sob.
He sighed, shaking his head. “She never did, Blue. It was always you and me. Ryleigh knew it from day one, she’d never own my heart, not even a scraping of it.” His laugh was soft, lacking mirth. “She knew we were never a couple made for marriage to each other rather a marriage made us a couple. The day I told her I’d marry her, I was crystal clear it was in name only. I made no promises to be the perfect husband or that she’d get anything more than my name.”
Now I understood what he meant by ‘no promises’ that week before the wedding. “But you’re still married to her.”
He shook his head. “We divorced and I promised to support her. She willingly agreed, then she married Brax and now I don’t need to support her.”
This couldn’t be true, could it? I took a moment to digest everything, searching my head for anything that could come between us again, my heart expanding so wildly, I feared its imminent explosion.
As if he read my reluctance to believe him, Shay palmed my cheeks, bringing his nose to mine. “Blue, you were the one girl I tried to escape, yet with each breath, my heart begged not to let go. And I did. I chose what others would think, over you. I laid my heart at your feet since the day you were born, and you took it with you when you disappeared. This time, it comes with my soul. This time, it’s forever, baby. If you’ll have me.”
I stared into those beautiful gray eyes, taking a moment to savor the love in there, knowing that come what may we were choosing this path together. “You belong to me?” I sobbed.
He slipped his arms around my waist, drawing me close. Then he tapped my nose lightly. “Always, Blue.”
“Promise?”
“Until the day I die, baby.”
Our lips met in the sweetest of kisses that had tested time and boundaries both forbidden and taboo. Did I care? No. Because Shay Donovan was my forever.
If only I hadn’t walked away...
