I could feel his eyes on me until he sighed and sat down again. “Eliana told me about the video your mother made and asked me not to say anything yet.” My head snapped up wanting to see his expression. It was primarily hate, yet his eyes softened when looking at me. “Come sit next to me, there’s something I need to tell you.” He patted the stool.
Curious, I wiped my hands on the dishcloth, slid his plate toward him and walked around to sit. At first, it seemed like he was delaying when he took a bite of his sandwich and slowly chewed. Patiently, I waited, biting into mine.
“Saint and I met in England in what you’d call grade seven in the USA. I was the nerd he saved from a couple of roughnecks on my way to school one day. He went on to become the star athlete and for some reason, we got along so well, we began hanging out. Pretty soon, I learned everything about his family history and the brotherhood, something I was sworn to secrecy. I respected him and his family’s tendencies. Winthrop castle became a second home to me. Grandma loved Saint and often called her his second son. She’d joke that if she had a granddaughter, she’d make her marry Saint’s son, if he had one.”
Dad laughed at that, his eyes taking on a distant look, and I was suddenly eager to know what happened between them. Yet the idea of grandma wanting her grandchild to marry Saint’s child had me smiling. She’d probably turn in her grave if she knew that her grandchild was actually in love with Saint.
“In our final year, Sandra arrived at our school,” he began speaking again, pulling my attention. “Very quickly, she got the almighty crush on Saint while I fell head over heels in love with her.”
So mother was in love with Saint. Interesting. Dad took another bite and I wanted to rush him to tell me more.
“Saint had an affinity for blonde women, and he wasn’t interested in Sandra. She’d tried many times in vain while I’d pacify her with chocolates and sweet talk. Regardless, she didn’t give me any attention. Then...” he trailed off, his jaw clenching.
“Dad?” I rubbed his arm lightly, aware that the next part must still affect him.
He smiled, linking his fingers with mine. “I raped Sandra,” he blurted.
“What,” I spluttered, shocked.
He rubbed his brow, shaking his head as if he needed a moment. I gave him that. When he could look at me again, I squeezed his hand with a reassuring smile. There must be a reason. I had to wait.
“We’d gone to a party one night and against my better judgement, I drank a lot. We all did. Sandra was moping over Saint turning her down again and I guess the alcohol in me made me bold. The facts are still hazy but somehow, she’d gotten Saint alone in a room when I walked in on them. Saint, naturally thinking I’d arrange the meet up, invited me in. He asked Sandra if she’d be keen to have her wrists and ankles bound, and her mouth gagged. She agreed and he proceeded to do so. When she was shackled, Saint wished me luck and left. I took advantage of the situation and forced myself on her.”
I slapped a hand to my mouth, stunned. Dad looked at me, his eyes misty with unshed tears before his lips pressed into a thin line. I figured he was angry with himself for the act.
“Why did you and Saint stop speaking then?”
He raked a hand through his hair and snorted a laugh. “Your mother, to get even and being the conniving bitch that she was, reported Saint instead of me to the principal for rape. She thought it was her way into the Sinclair riches. Saint denied it obviously and waited for me to come forward. Scared of being kicked out of school or worse, imprisoned, I didn’t. I figured with the brotherhood at his back, they’d make the rape charges go away.” Dad stopped speaking for a moment as if he were contemplating his next words.
Rising, I fetched him a glass of water and waited. Even though his confession scared me, it wasn’t enough to hate my father.
“The brotherhood did, but not without consequences,” he began speaking again. “Sandra fell pregnant. Her father was paid a large sum to convince Sandra not to name Saint as the father because she refused to get an abortion. She didn’t want to, and Saint left the school. Knowing I fucked up, I offered Sandra marriage. Although she agreed, she became bitter toward me and my baby, of course. It worked for a while until it didn’t.”
“Oh, dad.” Rising, I stood behind him and slipped my arms around his neck, dropping a soft kiss to his cheek. “Now I understand why my mother hates me so much. I stole her happiness with Saint.”
Rubbing my arms slowly, he nodded. I felt the tension in his stiff shoulders. “You didn’t deserve Sandra’s hatred, sweetheart. I wronged her, not you.”
“Water under the bridge now, I guess.” Nothing would change history so why bother living in the past. I had to focus on my future and what it entailed after this conversation.
“I tried apologising to Saint,” he said. “But his family warned me to stay away. So, I left school, came to the US, married Sandra and started a home. It was tough at first because she blamed me for her losing out on marrying a rich man like Saint. What she didn’t know was that Saint is a part of that brotherhood and he wouldn’t have married her. They have rules in place.”
“Rules?” I froze, remembering Saint’s words,‘there are rules to fucking a man like me.’All this time I assumed he referred to the BDSM lifestyle.
“Yes, sweetheart.” Dad sighed. “Even if you have a relationship with Saint, it can’t be long term. The brotherhood won’t allow it.”
Straightening, I sat down again, anxiety curling my stomach. “Surely, they’d overlook—”
Dad gripped my hands, his head shaking from side to side. “You don’t understand...” he broke off.
“Then make me, dad?” I squeezed his hand holding mine. “You know something about those rituals, don’t you?”
“Anything I tell you, puts your life in danger. The brotherhood is a very serious society that abides by rules, and they don’t take kindly to outsiders knowing their business. I was the exception because Saint trusted me and I let him down. Honestly, half my life I expected them to come for me after what I did to him.”
His words hit me hard. “That’s why you were anxious when you asked if I’d met anyone at Winthrop that first day of school here?”
He nodded. “Listen, Lee, you’re my child and I’ll always put you above everything else, even at the risk of watching you hurt. I know you’ll hate me but right now, I can’t in good conscious give you my blessings if you want to take this any further with Saint. I’d rather be the one to break your heart before he does because I know he will.”
Somehow, his words didn’t surprise or anger me. “I don’t hate you, dad and I never will. Honestly, I’m still torn where Saint is concerned, but I do believe he and I need to talk. After my mother’s fiasco, we needed space. And if I am to walk away, I think he needs to know my reasons why. I also think I need to give him a chance to tell me about his life, if he wants to.” All this time my heart had carried a heavy burden of uncertainty yet now, it seemed to sink all the way to my toes. Depending on the outcome after meeting Saint later today, I wasn’t sure if I’d be lying to my father, Saint or myself once I’d made a decision.
