Watching them lower the casket into the ground, I gripped Julian’s hand so hard, I’d probably leave nail indents on his skin. He gave my hand a little squeeze. I tried to be strong and feared I’d sink to my knees any moment.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, he leaned closer to whisper.
I glanced up, just like his, my face lacked a smile. And where my red-rimmed eyes, puffy from crying all night was visible to all these people standing at my mother’s graveside, people I didn’t know, his were covered with dark shades. Despite the gloomy rain-soaked sky overhead, I understood his shades had nothing to do with the speck of sunlight peeking through the gray clouds but a shield to hide his tears. I was so grateful that he’d been the one to see my mom in her last days and I knew he’d share those moments with me.
My father stood on the other side of me. His scary rendition of what grief looked like on the face of a liar would probably scare the ghost roaming the cemetery right now. I couldn’t expect comfort from him because we didn’t share that usual intimacy between a father and daughter.
I thought of Zayne and what he must be going through. I wished he were here to hold me and calm me. He would find the right words to comfort me, to assure me that everything would be all right. Even if he didn’t have the words, his touch, his embrace, it was all that I needed. On many stormy nights, he would drop what he was doing just to make me feel safe. I missed him and I wished I had some way to contact him even if it were just to hear his voice. Since arriving here, I couldn’t sleep and only when I thought of Zayne and closed my eyes remembering his soft kisses and that beautiful smile, I’d doze off.
“Go on.” Julian nudged me.
I looked up at him and he tipped his chin toward the grave. They were waiting for me. Blinking back the tears, I took the single white lily, my mom’s favorite flower, he held out and inched closer, my feet dragging, heavier with each step closer. I picked up a handful of soil and stared at it for a moment, thinking how strange it was that while it was just dirt, it held such power to hide from you, the people you loved. Clenching my fist tight, I stared at the oak casket at the bottom of the grave, so beautiful in its design yet so lonely in its bed of dirt. I held my hand out and opened my fist and as the dirt fell my heart squeezed, tighter and tighter.
“I love you, mom,” my voice cracked on the first try but I swallowed down the lump and got it right the second time then I whispered, over and over until nothing but brown stains marked my skin. As the flower fell from my other hand, I placed my fingers to my lips then blew her a kiss.
The service ended and strangers approached me to either shake my hand or kiss my cheek. I wasn’t interested, all I wanted was to leave this place that had taken my mom. I felt Julian’s hands grasp my arms but after that, I couldn’t remember leaving the grounds. Back at the estate, I avoided the throngs of black-clad strangers walking and turning in a home that meant so little without my mom.
Instead, I found solace sitting in the white-roped swing under the big willow tree down by the river on our estate. And while I rocked back and forth, once more thoughts of Zayne and what he must be doing right now blanketed my mind and spirited me back to him and his warm comforting arms. As I looked up at the gray sky, I prayed that when I woke the next morning, I would be escorted to the plane and sent back home...my home where I belonged, where love wasn’t just black and white, it was beautiful with my Zayne.
20
Gianna (18 years)
“You...you can’t be serious.” Two days later, I stared at my father dumbfounded. I finally managed after a whole minute of trying to find the right words after me asking him if I could go back to live with Harsh and Bhavna. His response killed every single cell in my aching body. I’d barely recovered from my mom’s funeral and here stood this man demanding I listen to him.
“I’m serious, Gianna. Harsh and Bhavna are dead. Ishara too.”
Clutching my heart, slowly I sank to my knees, my world spinning out of control, tears I’d saved for my mom I now had to share for the only other people I loved just as much as her. “How...how,” I kept repeating.
My father drew closer and crouched in front of me, bringing his eyes level with mine. “I know this isn’t what you needed to hear right now, so close after your mom but I had to tell you. You have to understand that you are in danger, where the second I put you on that plane.”
“But you still did, didn’t you...you put me in danger.” My red-rimmed eyes speared daggers at him, wishing I could just stick a knife in his heart.
His lips pursed into a thin line before he stood. “By hiding you, your mother put your life in danger—”
“Don’t’ you dare,” I screamed, jumping up and shoving at his chest. “Don’t you dare blame her. You were the one that made her protect me. You and your sick promise to some old geezer who’ll probably die the second after he rapes me on my wedding night.”
