“I’ve hidden behind a disguise for so long, pretending to be someone I’m not. No one knows the real me, not even me. Get it? Incognito.”
I concealed my surprise with a gentle smile. Wasn’t I just as guilty of wearing a mask? Yes, but I hid my true self from her, for her. I cringed at the deception, more so the sadness on her face yet her voice—it held undisguised uncertainty and confusion. Barely minutes ago, I’d assumed she was happy, content. Clearly, she was going through something others couldn’t see. She veiled her true feelings from everyone. Tenderness jerked my heart as anxiety kicked me in the gut. I wanted to make it all better for her. How? “I’m sure you were a nice person.”
She glanced at me and laughed. “And how would you know that?”
I shrugged, not sure what to tell her. “My optimism, I guess. And judging by the person you are today, I doubt the loss of memory can manipulate a personality change.” Even though I uttered the words, I didn’t believe them because so far, each encounter with this woman was proving to me that her traits were different from those my wife shared. Was it a good thing or bad? I couldn’t tell. Was she losing her old self to the new? I hoped not. Then again, sometimes different was better. Seven years was a long time to go without discovering the person you really was.
“Well, I wish I had some of your optimism. Refill?” I nodded, filling our glasses. “Sometimes I wonder about my past, whether it was better than it is now. Then I laugh it off accepting that what’s lost, isn’t coming back.” A note of wistfulness filled her voice.
“Ash,” I sighed, wishing to take her in my arms instead of sitting a couch length from her, watching the changing emotions on her face. Giving no thought to my actions, I moved closer and took her hand in mine. She didn’t resist but glanced down at our linked fingers. “There are lots of people in the world that want a second chance at life and maybe you were given that.”
She lifted her gaze to mine. “True. But I always wonder if I lost something or someone special. Then again no one came looking for me, so maybe there was nothing or no one special.”
My chest tightened. I was going insane and she didn’t even know it. Sitting next to her, hearing the slow cadence of her breathing, knowing that she woke every morning burdened by a past she longed to know and knowing that I could end her misery with a simple confession. Folding a leg under me, I turned fully on the seat to face her and rested my arm along the backrest. “Maybe there was someone. If your love was true, you will find your way back to each other.” I palmed her cheek. “Do you know what serendipity is?”
“Serendipity?”
“Yes. When you find something so beautiful that makes your heart dance without you looking for it.”
She laughed. “How is the same person so crass yet so poetic?”
“I do irritate the crap out of you, yet I make you laugh, don’t I?”
“This might sound silly, considering I don’t really know you.” She sipped her drink as if choosing her words. “I’m not usually comfortable around men but for some reason, I think in you I found someone I can express any emotion. Anger, misery, happiness, laughter, and...” she trailed off on a sigh.
“And?”
“Nothing.” She glanced away, a woman without memory had secrets. Intriguing. While I was going crazy inside, wanting to know, I didn’t push for an answer. Waiting for when she was ready to share more. “Thank you for that.” She looked at me again, her blushed replaced with a neutral smile.
“I haven’t really done anything but be an arrogant ass.”
“And yet it got you into places others could only dream of.”
I chuckled at the sassy lift of her brow. “Earlier, you mentioned you don’t remember your name. How did you choose the one you have now?”
She lifted her shoulders in a slight shrug. “A week after I woke from the coma, the doctors asked me to choose one since they needed something to call me. At first, I looked up a couple of choices the nurses brought me and nothing stuck. Then one morning, for no rhyme or reason I uttered Ashrika out loud. They asked me if it was my name and I wasn’t sure. I kept it.”
“Do you think it’s your real name, though? Have you had any flashbacks about it?” Considering how close to Krisha, it sounded, I figured her memory had picked something similar in sound.
“Not sure and no.”
“When you rushed into my arms you mentioned it happened again, what did?”
She looked at me blankly for a moment then shrugged. “I have this recurring dream. Dr. Landers seems to think its memories of my attack that hides within my subconscious.”
“Does it scare you?”
“I’ve learned to handle them better now, knowing it’s just a dream and Landers says they might recede with time, probably when I find the happiness I seek.”
My heart ached once more, wondering if I could somehow ease her into believing her life would change. Problem was, I couldn’t be certain that I was the one who’d change it, for the better. Still, I planned to try.
She stood and her hands flailed as she stumbled. I jumped up, gripping her hips to steady her.
“You okay?”
“Either I’m dizzy from the knock to my head or I’m tipsy. Take your pick.” She chuckled.
“I’ll go with tipsy.” I grinned.
